Linda's Melanoma Journey

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day and Veterans Day are my two favorite holidays, holidays that I have always pretty much enjoyed alone. My wife and the girls favorites are Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Halloween, etc.

These two holidays are my favorites, because twice a year I could sit back and reflect on how grateful I am for all of the freedoms we have in this country that we take for granted. I also like to think about all of the men and women that have at one point in their lives donned fatigues and served this great country. I don't think as Americans we are able to grasp what a sacrifice it is to be in the military, unless you have actually served yourself. I am very grateful that I was able to be in the Air Force for four years.

Linda always understood my deep devotion to those that served our country. To some, me celebrating these two holidays as hollowed days may seem strange. My Linda knew me so well and always supported me and encouraged me in my beliefs.

So today is a little different on Memorial Day. I will go to a service at Oak Hill Cemetery to Honor our soldiers that have paid the ultimate price for our freedom. I will also be honoring my beautiful wife, and cherishing the love that she lavished on me these last ten years.

Please pray for our soldiers still in harms way overseas.

Thinking of Linda

2009-03-31T18:14:00.000-07:00

I went back to work last Wednesday. I felt ready to be at work. My co-workers from the Chief on down were very supportive and helped put me at ease. I was exhausted by the fourth day which was Saturday. That morning while driving to work I had to fight not break down and start crying. I know it is alright to cry, but once I get started it is hard to stop and I can not be crying at work. I was so glad that my first week back at work was behind me.

Last night on Monday I had a voicemail on the home phone from Linda's father John. It was late so I waited until today to call him. It was great talking to him. He mentioned the "Making Everlasting Memories" web site that the funeral home made for Linda. I looked up the web site today and it was so beautiful, it brought me to tears. Paige heard me crying at the computer and was a little concerned. I told her that I was fine I was just so impressed with the website.

I encourage anyone that follows Linda's blog to check out this website. Just type in Making Everlasting Memories and then a place will pop up where you can type in Linda's name.

Before I end this I would like to thank everyone for their support and prayers. I would also like to post that we were able to find the necklace of Linda's that Reanna was looking for. I know that she is truly happy.

A week without Linda

2009-03-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

It has been one week since our beloved Linda was laid to rest. Even now at times it does not feel real. I think that this is just a bad dream, and that when I wake up she will be back with us. But I know in my heart that she is gone, and that is when the pain and loneliness sets in.

I try and keep busy and stay focused on being strong for Reanna and Paige. I draw my strength from my family and friends. They have helped me all along, especially this past week. I am trying to be more active in the girls lives, and be the parent that Linda always tried to help me become.

Reanna is a very strong girl, just like her mother. She appears to be alright and also tries to stay busy. She spends time with her boyfriend Ben and also with her little sisters. I know that she will be starting work sometime soon at Great America. Please continue to pray for her.

Two days ago Reanna and I started going through Linda's belongings in our room. Linda wanted Reanna to have any of her personal property that she wanted. Reanna was unable to find a replica Tiffany necklace that she had given Linda as a gift. The last time any of us had seen it was a few weeks ago near our television in the room. She looked and looked and was unable to find it. She did not tell me, but I know she was very upset. I told her I would continue to look around in my drawers, hoping to find it. She said that she would continue to look in her room. I just hope that while Linda was conscious, she told a friend or family member visiting to put it in a safe place in our room, and that I will be able to locate it and give it to Reanna.

Life is not the same without Linda. We miss her so much.

2009-03-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

My Linda was laid to rest yesterday. Everything turned out beautifully. Linda's spirit was present and gave us the strength to get through the day.

The service Friday night was informal. Pastor Greenlee started out with a few words of encouragement. His daughter Stephanie then sang Amazing Grace and moved everyone to tears, it was so beautiful. I then spoke and few words and then invited anyone in the audience to share any special stories or memories of Linda. I was so encouraged while looking out into the audience, the chapel was packed. I know Linda was smiling down and encouraged as well. Several people shared touching memories about Linda. I then spoke again about Linda's great faith and what a loving wife she was. My co-worker and friend Terry Foskey then finished the evening with final words of encouragement and a prayer.

The Saturday service and burial was more formal, but just as beautiful. The pastor gave a beautiful sermon and then invited the immediate family to say any closing remarks. Linda's sister Lisa and mother Teresa said a few words from the heart. I then spoke about what a wonderful mother Linda has been to Reanna and how proud Linda and I are of her.

Linda's cousins Michael, Frank, and Brian were Pallbearers along with myself and my friend Joe. Linda's nephew Michael rounded out the team because I know he will always have a special place in his auntie Linda's heart. I also chose her nephew because he is a true American hero that has given so much to this great country while serving in the military.

We then escorted Linda to her final resting place. Her plot was a final gift to Linda from my stepfather Tony. He loved Linda tremendously and lavished many gifts on her while she was living. The pastor said final words and then Linda's sister Anna's friend Anthony sang two beautiful songs. We lowered my Linda to rest.

After the services we went to the Los Gatos Hills for a gathering/celebration to honor Linda's memory. The beautiful house was provided by Reanna's aunt Reyna and her husband Jay. Everything was so peaceful and the scenery was majestic. I lost my breath when I first walked into their backyard and beheld the splendor of the view. I know my Linda was smiling down on us, and me in particular because I stress so much, and she was once again letting me know that everything was alright, that I did not have to stress at all, because God and her were going to make sure that every detail was perfect. And it was.

Trying to get through the day

2009-03-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

Today will be a very hard day. Today we begin to lay to rest our beloved Linda. I have not seen my beautiful wife since she was picked up from our home on Monday. I hope I do not fail her. Please continue to pray for our family that we may have the strength today and tomorrow to make Linda proud.

The gathering/pot luck after the service on Saturday will be held at the following address. 23457 Summit Rd. Los Gatos, Ca 95033

Services days and times

2009-03-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

Reanna, Teresa and I thank everyone for all the phone calls and offers to help in any way. Even though we have not taken many people up on these generous offers, just knowing that people love Linda so much, and care about our well being as well, is a great help in this trying time.

I am posting the details for Linda's service. On Friday 03/13/09 from 10a.m. to 6 p.m. will be a viewing at Oak Hill cemetery. From 7p.m. to 9p.m. on Friday a service will be help in Chapel of the Oaks. On Saturday 03/14/09 at 1 p.m. will be a service with burial to follow about 2:30 p.m. A pot luck get together will be held shortly thereafter in Los Gatos Hills.

I will update tomorrow with more details about the pot luck or you can call the house to ask what dishes are needed.

No more pain for Linda

2009-03-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

My beautiful wife is now at rest.

Keeping vigil

2009-03-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Each day Linda's parents, Reanna and I keep watch over our precious Linda. Linda's sisters Anna and Lisa and Linda's friend Lorie also stop by and visit with Linda daily. We start early in the morning and end really late at night. I then wake up with her about every two hours through the night. We all are tired, but I know there is no other place any of us would want to be.

My cousin Sophia has also been stopping by each evening to see Linda, as well as be someone that I can lean on in this difficult time. We spend each evening sitting on my cot next to Linda's hospital bed, watching t.v. and talking quietly, with Linda constantly on our minds and hearts. This has been a blessing. I do not think I would have been able to hold it together so far without her.

Our main concern is keeping Linda comfortable and out of pain. This has been a struggle the last couple of days. Yesterday her nurse Angela increased the morphine patches, but it still took about 12 hours before Linda appeared comfortable.

Feeling Guilty

2009-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

My Linda has not been able to speak with us since the last post. This gives us so much time to sit near her and reflect. I try to focus on the positive, such as the many fond memories I have of her. But my mind keeps going back to somehow this is my fault. I blame myself for what has happened to Linda.

I try and think rationally and tell myself that cancer just happens, even to good people like Linda. But I feel that it should have been me, not her. Linda is the one with the pure heart. Linda is the one that does not judge people, but accepts them as they are. Linda is the one that always looks at the bright side and believes in the good of humanity. I am so negative. My wife's light has always been able to outshine my negativity. Even now with my wife in this condition, she is still the most beautiful, positive force I have ever come across.

Final gifts from Linda

2009-03-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was really hard. Linda was asleep and unresponsive most of the day. Her brother Raymond had arrived from Arizona. It took him 30 hours to get here. His car broke down in Los Angeles, and he had to stay in a run down motel, on the wrong side of town, until his car could be fixed the next day. Her brother finally makes it her safely, and Linda is so out of it that she does not recognize him. Raymond and I and Linda's parents sat in the room for hours, hoping she would wake up. Around 7:30 p.m. Linda's brother and father left for the evening.

I kept thinking for hours that Linda would be out of it like this until we lose her. The Hospice people told us that this day would come. I just wasnt prepared, eventhough we had been told. Later that evening her sisters, Anna and Lisa returned. They were in the room along with me and Linda's mother. All of us were down because we realized that we may not get another chance to tell Linda that we love her, or see her smile again.

About an hour later we all drifted to different parts of the house. I was in the kitchen on the computer. I was reading the comments posted from the first time that I blogged. I started crying because I could feel the love pour through the monitor. My Beautiful Linda touched so many lives through her blog. I guess that is why she insisted on me learning how to blog. From day one of dating Linda, all through our marriage, and even now my wife is teaching me, in her gentle and patient way. Linda's mother went back into the room for something. I could hear Linda moaning. I went to the bedroom and saw that she looked awake. I stood next to her and told her that I was on the computer reading the comments about her blog. A big smile appeared and she said, "See baby, I told you." I started crying and kissing her forhead, cheeks and mouth. I ran to the living room and told her sisters that she was awake. We all ran to the bedroom and spent the next 20 minutes or so laughing and telling her that we loved her, her doing the same. We then let her go back to sleep.

I know we do not have as much time left with Linda as we would like. But I am grateful for these final gifts from my Linda.

Taken a turn for the worst

2009-03-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

This is Linda's husband Sebastian updating her blog. My beautiful wife has taken a turn for the worst. She no longer has the strength to do this herself. On 02/26/09 the open wounds on Linda's upper left thigh began to bleed profusely, she was also in so much pain that all the medications had no effect. The hospice nurses told us to give her pain meds as well as anxiety pills every two hours until the pain subsided. The pain lasted the rest of the day and all night long with no relief from the pain meds. The next morning Linda wanted her parents, sisters, and Reanna and I in the room, she felt that she would be leaving us that day. It is now two days later and Linda is still fighting to be with us. Lots of friends and family members have been stopping by and calling to keep her spirits upbeat. Linda's parents and sisters have been helping Linda, Reanna and I get through this, we could not do it alone. We apologize for not answering any emails, but we do not have the time right now. This is my first post, it may take a few tries to get this down. I will update this daily with news of how Linda is doing.

How Could I Forget This?

2009-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

OK, for those of you that know me, I mean really know me, know that I'm an addict. I'm an addict to these little containers that contain what many of us call sparkle crack. Yes, you got it. I have been addicted for about 5 years are so. So what exactly is this "sparkle crack?" you may ask. It is a container that contains several grams of glitter, glimmer, glimpses, sparkles, just about anything you can think of that covers your face with makeup. I first got addicted by a dear friend name Sonja about 10 years ago when she worked for the company selling me just on their 18-scented body lotion, and then she would stick in a pot or two of the make-up in there with it. After Sonja moved out of town, something got me into the makeup and I was instantly addicted. After learning more about the makeup, and finding online chat-rooms with ladies worse off then me, I became obsessed. I started to buy as much of it as I could. Then I started showing up at the mall when they would have specials, started getting makeovers, etc. Oh, then when I found out there was a customer cruise - I was there! I met a lot of cool ladies and kept in contact! Then just last year there was a weekend trip to New Orleans, LA that I could not miss. I of course made Sebastian come with me. We had a good time, if you scroll down to about April or so of 08 (I forget when) you made read about it. Anyway, point is I still chat with some of the wonderful ladies that I met last year and they were so kind. They put a call into CEO of the company, and she was so kind enough to call me at home! I was so excited to get a personal phone call from her. Thanks from all the wonderful girls that I met that have always been so kind to me! I must say, I am just so bummed that unfortunately that day was a bad day for me so I could not say much. But thanks to Leslie for the call and all of the BEautiful Addicts!

The Holiday Weekend is Over

2009-02-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

It has kinda been one busy week. I have had a few more friends and family over than normal. I think it has been because a lot of people have been home for the holiday. I guess that's a good thing! It's been nice having a steady stream of people. I've also been been getting a good amount of time for sleep. Which has shockingly come in really handy. The extra sleep has been really helpful.

And I'm really appreciating hanging out with my friends more & more. What I like is that every one is stopping by for a variety of reasons. I want you to come by for what you want, first and foremost. Some just want to come and chat and say hi and keep the conversation's lighthearted. Others want to come and get a little more emotional and mourn a bit. Me, I'm here for you for all of that, o.k. You just come and be who you want to be, and I'll just be the same ol' me that I've always been, o.k. Or at least I'll try to be. But as for now, it's been a long day and I do need to get some zzzzzzzzz's.

Over a Year in the Works and I Missed It

2009-02-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

The Celine Dion concert was over a year in the works, and I was unable to attend. As thousands got up and out of the house last night and attended yet another one of her sold out shows, I was home in bed doing absolutely nothing. It's not like she's my absolutely favorite artists, but she is someone who I have always wanted to see in concert. Oh well, just one more thing I'll miss.

I must stay that recently one of the most annoying things is not being able to find things on my own. I know where just about everything is, but I don't have the time, strength or energy to give the EXACT location. As much as direction as I give friends & family to find it, they still can't find it. I can't explain how frustrating that is. I also hate being bed-ridden. I wish that I could at least walk around my house just one time. I have no clue what the rest of my house looks like right now. I don't know if it's clean, dirty, filled with dog hair? Well, that I'd probably say yes :)

My pain is getting better. It's still up & down, but for the most part its down. That is a really good for now. I hope everyone has a good remaining of the weekend!

Who Knows?

2009-02-18T20:26:00.000-08:00

Who knows how much time I have left? No one really. It could be a few days, a few weeks, a few months? But right now the pain in my body is so bad I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I wake up several times through out the night full of pain, begging and begging for some more pain meds. They just started me on the patches a few days ago, and upped the oxy-contin among some other pain meds that Sebastian and my mom have been managing. I haven't even been staying on top of them that's how out of it I've been. My food intake is also very mininal. I'm lucky if I get 3 bites of cereal. My mouth & lips are always dry and I have to force liquids. Everything going down my throat is painful.

I still read all my messages, but seriously I read them less and less, and obviously respond lesser. I hope all is doing well and please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.

Land's End's SPF Clothing

2009-02-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

I received a message from Land's End's that they would like to offer me and those who I come in contact with a discount on their new line of clothing that protects your skin while in the sun. The name of the line is Sun.Life and I thought you might be interested in the great deal below, which can also be used for this new line of sun protecting clothing. I wanted to be sure you were the first to know about Lands’ End 20 percent off promotion this Sunday and Monday. For two days only, Lands’ End will offer 20 percent off all merchandise (excluding overstocks, shipping and services). Simply enter the promo code and pin number below at checkout on www.LandsEnd.com and you will get 20 percent off your entire order. Promo code is AMERICA Pin number is 6289 (Starts 12:01 am Sunday, Feb 15th - Ends 11:59 pm Monday, Feb 16th) Please feel free to share this with your community. If you have any questions or feedback, please do not hesitate to contact me. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day. Mine was good. Yesterday Sebastian went back to work, and I was shocked at how good my day went. In the morning I had a visitor or two, and then a social worker from Kaiser came by to meet with the family and make sure that everything is going on track for the family, physically, emotionally, etc. I think they are really helping out alot. Then I had a another visitor or so and then my nurse. So it really was a nice quiet day and I was really glad. Then all of a sudden, 5pm come along and I'm not feeling good at all. I'm in extreme pain and it won't stop. Sebastian came home and gave me some more pain meds, but those took a while to kick in. By bedtime I was good. Then I woke up this morning to get a nice gift from my beautiful daughter Reanna :) I felt so bad, this was the first year ever I did not get her a valentine gift. I don't know how I forgot to ask someone here to do that for me. I'm starting to believe what others are telling me of how good a job I did. I still have some doubts, who wouldn't, but things like this make me believe she will be o.k. Today I had a visitor or two also, and at one point I was reading a card that my cousin Tina gave me, and it was a big blur. I was getting scared and then starting looking at both Tina and her husband Josh and they were both getting blurry. That had never happened so we called the nurse and she came by the house about an hour later. She spoke with the dr and they are not sure what the problem is yet, but if it happens again to call, that it is normal for those who have brain metastasis and they will give me a medication to help it. Hopefully that is all the bad that happens to me tonight and I hope I have a nice peaceful sleep!

No Weekend Getaway Needed

2009-02-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

As much as I'd like to get a way for a few days on our anniversary, this year was perfect staying home (as if I had a choice?? ha ha). But seriously, it was a really nice day today. I knew I was going to have a lot going on around the house, so I tried to mentally & physically prepare for it, and it went pretty smooth. I was able to fit everything in and not be too exhausted. Actually, I must say my mom probably did most of that, keeping a schedule of whose coming & going when.

But as I sit here and think about my day, I know that wedding anniversary's are mostly for a husband/wife, at least the way Sab & I celebrate it. Well, today it seemed a lot more than that. I feel like we included a lot of our most treasured friends & family too. To start off breakfast, my wonderful husband brought me a bowl of cereal (I can only eat 3 bites anyway, so that is my breakfast of choice nowadays) and some coffee. Then while Sebastian was doing stuff, my mom helped the nurse give me a bath and clean up my room, etc. Since my dad happened to be in town, he would stop by and check up on me all day making sure I had enough of everything, and then some. And while Reanna had a day off, she made mini cup cakes and then a huge cake shaped like a cup cake :) She is so cute. Later on that night Paige came over to stay a few days with us, so that is always nice. So this wasn't our typical anniversary, but I don't know if we can ever top it. There is nothing better than spending time with family.

Happy Anniversary to my One and Only

2009-02-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary to Sebastian. He is the love of my life. From the first second I saw him, I knew he was the one for me, and never second guessed. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was not perfect, but I don't know how you can get any closer to perfect than what we have. He is the most amazing husband anyone can ask for. He has always done so much for me, things I don't even ask for. If I'm tired and want to sleep in a bit on a weekday, he would get the girls up and get their lunches ready and take them to school for me. Then while at work he would grocery shop, buy household stuff as well, clean up and make dinner too. I never have to go to the bank to get money, every few mornings it's just re-filled for me, as well as my gas tank! Same with all my car work, he'll take it for a day and get it cleaned, tuned-up, the works. He does so much for Paige and Reanna all the time too. He is always there for them when they need him. As much as I'd like to say more, he doesn't know what I'm doing and is making me log off so that I get some sleep :) I'll try to finish tomorrow :)

Ha Ha, I'm back, he's vacuuming while I blog right now. What more can I ask for. He just made a pot of coffee, so I know he'll be back with a cup for me and then something for breakfast as well. He has always spoiled me more than I deserve.

This Anniversary is different though. Unfortunately we won't be on a weekend getaway to Santa Barbara, Napa or anywhere else we like to visit. Late last year we even started to make plans with the Applebaums to do a weekend cruise getaway to Mexico. Sab & I were kinda up and down because we really didn't know what my health would be like, but I guess I'm glad we didn't book the flight, or even get our passports for that matter. Yep, I do not own a passport. I've never left the US (except for Mexico & Canada when you didn't need them). Because I'll be here, at our house, just celebrating it together, well and with friends and family.

Some of my friends/family love Sebastian, some - not so much. But you know what. I love him with all of my heart. I love all of his good qualities, and all of his bad. His bad qualities take me a bit longer, but eventually I get there. For one instance, he hates when we leave the front door unlocked. He gets furious everytime. Now, I'm used to it, and so are the girls. After several years of training - 95% of the time they remember to lock the front doors. What can be so bad about that. So whether you choose to love him or hate him, I don't care. He's mine for life and that's what matters to me. I love you SEBASTIAN!

Never Gonna Know

2009-02-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

From day to day I never know what my day is going to be like. Tuesday I had a really bad day. So Tuesday night I came online and asked a few friends to come over and cheer me up on Wednesday, if possible. And yep, Wednesday was a better day. I think I was able to hold my food down all day! And I had a good amount of company too :) But then I woke up this morning and right as I woke up I knew it was not going to be good. It just got worse from there. The good thing was that one of my nurses Dolores, came over and gave me a bath, and I even got out of bed for a few minutes too, although that was very difficult. I wasn't sure if I'd ever try that again, and I did, and yeah, it probably was my last time this time. Anyway, she washed me, changed my sheets and was going to give me a little massage, but because of the pain of getting up, I'll save that for next time.

Throughout the rest of the day I just stayed on pain meds and napped. I had a few visitors, but had to turn most of them away. I'm feeling o.k. now, I hope I don't have to turn down any visitors tomorrow. I know how hard it is for people to adjust their schedules for work, kids, etc and I really appreciate everyone doing that to visit.

I have been receiving tons of feedback, and once again - thanks to all. I would love to reply to everyone, but time does not permit. So thanks to the ones on the top of my head, Anna Hogan, Rick, Marilyn, Kathie and many many others. Your words are so kind and informative. I hold them near and dear to my heart.

Not A Good Day

2009-02-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Today was not a good day. I've been asleep most of the day, and every single meal has come up so far. My pain is ok, but I'm fearful of taking my medicine because I don't want to throw it up. I know I have some drops, but I didn't want to resort to those so soon. I hope I can get a little better before I start getting worse worse worse. Please continue to keep me in your prayers.

Home Almost One Week

2009-01-31T17:26:00.000-08:00

It's been almost one week since I've been home from the hospital. I must say I feel so much better at home. The first few days I didn't have any visitors just because I needed to recover from that horrific hospital stay. For some reason I think being in the hospital made me worse. I just needed those few days to get somewhat near normal. But now, I don't know if I'll ever be normal. Right when I got home from the hospital it was hard to walk because while admitted they inserted a catheter because every time I got out of bed my heart rate would go up to 150+, sometimes 170. So there was very little strength in my legs, but it was possible. I would get out of bed at home about 1 - 2x a day, and then it got harder and harder. This morning I got out of bed so that I could take a sponge bath, and the pain was too much. I could not put any weight on my left leg at all, it was so painful I could not stand it. I'm hoping to be able to try getting out of bed again, but at this point, who knows.

Since Friday, or maybe Thursday - I forget, I've been having visitors. My mom has been arranging for friends & family to stop by and visit me for a bit. It's actually been quite nice. She got all of my contacts info from my cell phone, so she has been calling everyone at random while she has spare time. If she hasn't called you yet, and you'd like to come visit, call the home phone and ask for my mom, Teresa, and she'll set up a day/time for you to see me! You can try my cell #, but I'm not sure it will get answered :) I have really enjoyed having everyone over. Everyone has been so kind and generous and understands when it's time to go, it's time to go. That has really helped me a lot. Some come over and we sit and chat and laugh, and some come over and we chat and cry. It's good for me to get both laughter and sorrow at this point. What comforts me is that I'm not the only one who questions, why me? When they come over, they ask the same thing - why you? Why you Linda?

With my health this bad I don't think I'm going to make it to the Celine Dion concert in Feb. I'm so bummed, I've been looking forward to this concert since last year. Sebastian got me the tickets for our anniversary last year. The concert was to be in Nov., but she re-scheduled. Now we are stuck with 2 expensive tickets that will most likely go unused. One of the little things that sucks about cancer.

I'm Home

2009-01-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

This has been one hard week. My health has taken a turn for the worst. So this post is actually going to be a little short, even though there is sooo much to type. So I'll be as brief & informational as I can. On Saturday my left leg had got swollen, and the day before Dr Kwong told me he wanted scans to make sure there were no clots. So I was scarred and went to the ER. They did the scans and found nothing, but wanted more opinions so they held me. Everyday new things would arise and tons new tests were being ordered. Test after test, and I'm trying to get well to go See Dr Hamid. Finally, we had to sit down and discuss this whole week that had passed while I was in the hospital. Did I want to keep on doing that. Going after the cancer that's going after me? I know I'm strong - but according to the records, I'm doing by a long shot. So I have now decided to go for more drugs to keep the pain down, and stop fighting the cancer with chemo. It's gonna be hard, but I think I'd rater be that than more poking & prodding, I just can't handle all of these test anymore.

I'm home, just got here today, and hospice has come in and we already have a hospital bed in my room, along with a few other health care needs. I must say I'm having people over, but the less at a time, the better, and small time frames are preferred as I don't have a lot of energy. Also, if you happen to come by, please be noted we do not need anymore food, desserts, flowers or things of the sort, but thanks sooo much for offering. It'd be much easier if there were less of those things around for us all.

Emotionless

2009-01-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have gone thru so much this past month and am a bit shocked that I really don't have much emotions for the bad news I got from Dr. Kwong last night. I have always feared the cancer spreading to my brain, because I know that the outcome is very rarely good. I have feared it more than spreading to my liver. But when I got the news last night, I kinda already knew it, and I thought that hearing it would be bad, but for some odd reason, I just took it in. I don't know if it's because it hasn't sunk in yet or what, but this is not the reaction I would have expected from me.

MRI's Done Today

2009-01-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

This morning, while we were still sleeping, the phone rings at 9am! Who would dare call so early? Oh - it's Sally from Dr. Kwongs office. Glad I answered it. She got all the info she needed from Dr Hamid in Santa Monica and sent the info over to the radiology dept. So I called to set up my appointments. Just as I was talking to the radiology department they had a cancellation. At 10am. It's already 9am and I was still in bed. But of course I'm gonna take it. So we rush out of bed and get ready to go to the appointment. I hadn't eaten anything, so I had a quick english muffin before we left because there would be one MRI at 10 and the other at noon and I didn't want to starve. I was fine for the most part, but my body is really weird when it comes to my eating, medication taking, etc. So I was hoping I'd be fine. Of course not. I check in and as I'm in the waiting room, my english muffin starts re-appearing. Luckily I had a bag with me that I always carry. I was so mad because I hadn't taken my pain pills yet, which I knew I was going to need. Luckily they took a long time calling me and I was able to take 2 percocets and hold them down. First they did the brain MRI which was about 25 minutes long. We had some time in between the two scans, and I had to leave and get some fresh air. Sure enough, when I got outside I started throwing up again. I had some time to sit and rest, and then we went back to the waiting room. By the time my final scan came, I felt much better. This time they were scanning my left shoulder to see if they could see if there was any explanation for the recent pain. After my second scan, I went and got my lab work done and then picked up my contrast (a dye that you have to drink) for my CT scan tomorrow. I have to drink two huge bottles of something that doesn't look very good. I just hope I can hold it down.

Since those scans took a lot out of me, I was quite tired when I got home and have been resting ever since. At about 6pm I got a call from Dr Kwong that he already had my scans back. The results, as normal, are not good. The brain MRI showed that the cancer has now spread to my brain. Right now it's pretty minimal, but that is still news that I never wanted to hear. And the scan of my left shoulder showed that it has spread more over my clavicle, hence the reason for all the pain I've been having. It's to the point where I can not even pick up a glass of water and bring it to my mouth. I have to use my right arm for that.

Since the new scans show more cancer, Dr Kwong is referring me back to Dr Fisch to do radiation on my head & shoulder. So I might do the radiation before heading down to LA for chemo treatments. I just need to consult with both doctors again and discuss this with my family what is right for me at this time.

My Latest Appointment

2009-01-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

I had my latest appointment with Dr Kwong on Thursday. Everything seems to be going along as usual. He is in contact with the LA clinic making sure I get the right scans that I need. The scans have not been ordered, but I know they are contacting each other to make sure I get the right ones done. Once I do the scans (PET, CT & MRI's) I'll be going down to LA. It's just the time it takes getting scheduled to do the scans. Hopefully I can get in there right away.

Dr Kwong did prescribe me more pain pills, this time he gave me Oxycontin too, as well as the Percocet he's already been giving me. They have been helping a lot. I'm just afraid I'll get addicted to those! The only thing that has really worsened is the pain in my left shoulder. It is so bad that I can no longer lie on my left side, or put any weight on it. I cannot even hold a glass of water in my left hand. And as I washed my face today, I could not reach my forehead with my left arm, I had to use my right hand to wash the upper part of my face.Dr Kwong had it X-rayed, but no word yet. I'm thinking it's cancer related. And typing, not fun. Hence my lack of posting. I really want to blog more, but it's not so easy anymore. I might have to start having someone do this for me. But I'll do it for as long as I can.

I have not got back to any emails, I will as I can. Please bear with me :)

It's Everywhere

2009-01-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

As each day goes by, I'm noticing more bumps over my body. Some are painful, some are not. I've been noticing it more and more over the last week. I haven't told anyone except last night I told my husband. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. They are on my stomach, back, neck, head, legs, shoulders, everywhere. It's getting harder and harder to move. Every move is painful. I have the pain meds that help stop the pain, but movements in my body still hurt. To turn over, reposition, or just about anything else hurts. My left groin hurts so much now that I just lay down most of the day. I only sit up when I have to eat or drink. After that I go back to lying down.

I'm still waiting to hear from the dr in LA about the clinical trial. He has been on vacation and gets back today. I was going to call today, but I really wasn't in the mood for talking, so I will do that first thing tomorrow. Hopefully we can get my scans ASAP so that I can start the trial. The longer it takes, it feels like the weaker I'm getting. I want to be able to go there and not be so weak.

Jealous

2009-01-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been jealous of someone? I will confess, yes. There have been times growing up and even being an adult that I was jealous of friends and families for one reason or another. I get jealous because some people have all of their family here in town, etc. Where as me, my immediate family is all over the place. I don't even have 1 family member in town. They have all moved away. But I must say, after the last few months of being ill and always having to have someone around to help me out, I have no reason to be jealous. My family has totally pitched in and are here for me 24/7. There is not a moment when I'm home alone. They work with each others schedules and re-arrange them if they have too. Am I still jealous? No. Lucky? Yes.

What a Nice Christmas

2008-12-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

I had a nice quiet Christmas this year. Unfortunately Sebastian had to work, but Anna and Felicia had come over Christmas Eve, so on Christmas morning we all woke up to open presents! We all got really nice gifts. One of the highlights was Anna got Reanna the Wii, so early in the day she opened it and we played it. It was so fun, and harder than you'd think. I think it just takes some getting used to, plus I'm not that coordinated. By next week I'll be much better. After playing with the Wii, we just hung out and watched movies all day. When Sebastian got home he opened his gifts and not too long after Lori & Fred came over to visit for a while. Of course we brought the Wii out again and they played for a while too. I love that game, I don't know why we never got one sooner. It was getting late and both Lori & Sebastian had to go to work early the next day so we called it a night. It could not have been any better, I loved hanging out with family & friends.

The day after was not as good. I woke up at 8am and was nauseous as can be. Just a few minutes later I was throwing up. That continued all day long. I could not eat or drink anything. I took my nauseous medicine @ 5am, and it is supposed to last 8 hours, but obviously it did not work at all. So once again I could not take my pain medicine because it would not stay down. I was in pain all day long. My dad came over first thing in the morning, and I could not even see him for the first few hours after he got there. I was just in my bed resting. Around noon I was able to get out of bed and I went and laid down on the couch. I stayed there all day, just resting and sleeping. About 8pm the pain was unbearable, so I went back to my room. Sebastian gave me another nauseous medicine and I tried to take more pain meds. I still wasn't holding it down. Around 9:30 the pain was really bad, so I thought I'd try again. This time it stayed down. I was able to sleep through the night! Well, I do wake up every 4 hours to take more medicine. So far today I'm holding my medicine down, I think I'm gonna try and eat breakfast in a bit. Wish me luck, I'm hungry!!

The Silent Treatment

2008-12-21T18:22:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having to give everyone the silent treatment. I really hate it. If I talk after I eat or take medicine (which I'm always doing one of) I can't seem to hold it down. I get frustrated because you don't realize how much you talk until you can't. So if you call and I can't talk, please understand why.

What you might be accustomed to is getting the silent treatment from my husband. Don't expect that to change. That is who he is. If you came over and he stayed in our room, that is normal. It's nothing against you. He does that to everyone. So if you come to visit me, and not him, don't be offended if he does not come out and chat with you.

Christmas is Coming

2008-12-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas is less than a week a way. For a long time it didn't even feel like Christmas to me. Every year I help Paige & Reanna set up the tree, and then let them decorate it. I also love to help them put out the rest of the decorations in the house, etc. Then of course I send out cards to friends and family and go shopping for gifts with Sebastian, while hinting what I want : ) Then there's the wrapping of the presents, and deciding whose house we are going to, or if we'll even be at home. A few times we have even gone to the parade in downtown San Jose, and standing out in the freezing cold at 7am is definitely a reminder that Christmas time is coming. And all of the different Christmas parties are just spectacular. This year is much different. I did not help at all with the decorations, Reanna and Paige did all of the decorating. Then Paige & Sebastian did all of the shopping. So if you did not get a gift, it's not my fault - or if you don't like yours, don't look at me! Ha ha.. I also did not send out any cards.... so please forgive me. But as the presents build up under the tree and the cards from friends and family keep coming in the mail, it is getting to be more real. It just feels so weird to not be a part of everything that's going on around me. I feel like a hermit in my home. I'm not even making plans to go anywhere, as Thanksgiving was not as easy as I would have liked. So my plans are to just be home.

As far as my trip to LA, it was good. Of course our flight out was cancelled, so we had to wait an extra hour in the airport for the next flight. No biggie. But on the flight there right as we took off I got nauseous. It was kinda nice because they gave me ginger ale right away. And once again when I landed, I was nauseous again. So they got me a wheelchair to take me over to area where you get a cab. I asked the lady who pushed me if we can do that when we come back to leave, and she told us what to do, so that was good. On the way home we got to skip the security line! Saved us a lot of time, but then of course we were just waiting because we had gotten there early. Oh well. Right when we landed we went to our hotel and rested. I wanted to go eat at the Promenade in Santa Monica because we were right there, but was upset because I was still too nauseous. So we got up with just enough time to go to grab a fast bite and head to the clinic. Of course we go to the clinic and it's the wrong one. They have two offices, and I had the address of the wrong one. And we took a cab so we would have to wait for another one. But the lady in HR was kind enough to give us a ride due to the confusion. We finally got there and met with Dr. Hamid. At first I was a bit skeptical of what he would say or recommend. I don't know what he said or did, but I just did not have a good feeling. But when he came back into the office he had 2 different clinical trials that he was giving me the option to do. He was so certain in what him and his partners are doing in melanoma clinical trials. And the thing is, if the two trials don't work out, there are always more options. I really feel like he is the doctor for me. Both of the trials contain chemo treatments, so I know what I'm getting myself into. This is not going to be easy. Plus I'll have to be going to LA & back weekly to get the treatments. It will be a grueling time. I just pray that my body is up to this. I pray I have the strength to go through this again. The treatments will be starting in 2 to 3 weeks, it just depends which one I choose to do.

I have stopped updating this site as often as I would like to. I would like up update it about every 2 to 3 days. The only thing that's stopping me is that I really have nothing exciting to share. I hate to come here and type all of the pain I'm in, how tired I am, how much I sleep or don't sleep. There is really nothing good for me to report. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse as the days go by. The melanoma causes little black bumps under my skin that rise to the surface. It is extremely visible on my left leg. Over the last 2+ weeks there are new bumps popping up everywhere. My legs, stomach, back, arms, neck everywhere. They start small, but get bigger, especially as they rise to the surface. So far they are not visible when I'm fully dressed, hopefully they'll stay that way. Anyway, I want to hear from you. If you want me to update the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will. I just really want people to come here and enjoy it. I hate to only have bad news, then worse news. I would hate it if you started dreading reading here. So let me know what you want to see here!!!

Going to Santa Monica

2008-12-16T08:12:00.000-08:00

Today I'm heading out to Santa Monica. Sebastian & I will be going out there to check out the clinical trial. I'm hoping it's something that my body can handle. I'm not bringing my laptop so I will not update here until I get home, either tomorrow night or later if I can't do it tomorrow. I'll have my cell phone on me, so if you want to call me, you can definitely try!

The Little Things

2008-12-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

It's the little things that make me happy. There have been so many little things that people have done for me that don't go unnoticed.

On Thanksgiving my uncle Manuel and aunt Elisa drove over to my dad's house to visit me before they went on to celebrate their time with friends & family. It was nice to see them as I hadn't seen them since last summer and I don't know the next time that I'll be able to see them. And I am always getting lovely cards in the mail from them with well wishes. Matter of fact, I got a Christmas card from them today! It's the little things.

Every weekend my sister Anna comes by with food and new movies to watch. Lately I haven't bothered watching much movies, but it's nice that she brings them because I do get tired of TV. Yep, all I do is watch TV. I don't care if she has to work while she's here. Just her being here is nice. And she is so thoughtful. She knows what I like and she makes it happen. Right when I'm starting to get hungry, the food is already ready. She knows I hate to wait and always has it right there. She takes initiative and makes my life comfortable. I'm so spoiled by her, I hate when she leaves. I must say we have not always been the best of friends, what sisters are??? But when the the times are tough, she is right there. I could not have asked for more. Nor could I do better myself. I must say, she is a better sister to me than I am to her. I get a lot of emails saying what a good friend I am, but where I lack is my relationship with my sister. I wish there are things in the past I could have done different, but what's done is done. I love her with all my heart and always will.

My mom is here for me morning, noon and night. She keeps this house running while I'm down. She makes sure Reanna is taken care of, wakes up Paige in the morning and takes her to school & back, makes all of my meals plus dinner for everyone, does our shopping, house cleaning, and everything else you can think of. She is what keeps us afloat of our every day duties. I don't know what I'd do without her. It's the little things.

Today I got a call from my brother Raymond. I don't see him often as he's in Arizona, I only get to see him when he comes to the bay area. It's been a while so it was nice to see him last month over the holiday weekend. I was quite surprised today when he told me in our conversation how proud he was of how I raised Reanna. I hear that a lot (why wouldn't I? Just kidding....) but he really explained why. He told me that she was very good and respectful to her elders, parents, grandparents, etc and that lately he hasn't seen that out of kids her age in a long time. He said that I raised her just like my mom & dad raised us, and I must say his words could not be more kind than that. I don't know what it is in those words that made me so emotional, but I could not have been more touched. It's the little things like this that make me happy.

Good News

2008-12-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

I finally got a call from the LA clinic today. I go there for my consult on Dec. 16th. I do not know what the treatment there will be there yet. I'll find out everything at the consult.

It's been one long week. I haven't blogged much because I really do try to put my all into my posts, and I haven't have the energy to do so. I've had a lot of company and I've been giving my all to them. It's difficult to give my all to my family and blog at the same time.

My mom left on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I had no one here to help me. So my sister Anna and my dad really came through and stayed with me while Sebastian & Reanna worked. It really helps to have them here because there is so much that I have a hard time doing. They make my meals for me and help to keep track of all of the medications that I'm taking. They have to write it down for me because it's so easy to forget what I took when. Then when Anna had to go to work Sebastian took off two days of work to stay home with me. So now Anna's back here, and Sab is back at work. And then my mom is coming back tonight so no one will have to miss anymore work to be with me. That's a good thing!

I really haven't left my house in days. I wasn't feeling well on Thanksgiving, and had to go lie down and nap after a while. I was glad to wake when I did, because right after I woke was dinner time! YUMMY. My brother Ray made the dinner and it was really good. I was bummed because my appetite was so small that I couldn't eat much. I barely got to taste it all. Not too long after dinner it was time to head home. I was sad to say goodbye to my family and go home.

The next day Anna came over to take care of me, and then my brother stopped by for a few hours to visit before he headed home to Arizona. It was really nice to hang out with him for a while because I hadn't seen him in at least two years. Later that evening I felt a bump behind my ear that was starting to hurt. I asked Reanna to look at it if it was a pimple or something, and she said no, it was just a bump. The next morning my dad came over to help out. He even went out of his way and put a weather sealer on our new fence. Reanna also helped him out a bit.

That night the bump behind my ear got bigger and was hurting even more. Anna & my dad made me call the dr so I made an appt for Sunday. On Sunday I went to the dr and she was not sure exactly what it was but she thinks it was a cyst. So she gave me an antibiotic and it has been helping. The pain has gone away and it has really shrunk. The only problem is, I hate the antibiotic. Keflex. It is the worst medicine ever. When I was in Riverside they made me take it 4x a day. I hated it. I cried and cried and begged not to take it. I even asked if they had one that went through the IV. The nurse told me they didn't, all they had was the one they gave me. At least she told me I was not the only person to complain about it. She said a lot of people don't like it. Yeah, and I'm stuck taking it again. I must say, I haven't stopped crying about taking it either.

I wanted to go see my dr, but I knew he would be busy on Monday due to the long weekend. So I called first thing Tuesday morning and got an appt to see him. I showed him all of the bumps that were new and just brought up other issues I was concerned about. He really didn't have much to say other than what I'm experiencing is all normal. He did run more blood work and gave me more pain meds. He told me that everything was approved for the LA clinic and that I should be hearing from them soon (which I did hear from them today).

Change of Plans

2008-11-27T07:50:00.000-08:00

I was to go to my dad's house yesterday and stay the night. I just couldn't go and leave Reanna behind. So Sebastian and I stayed home and we are all going to my dad's today. We will be coming back tonight. Although she is 18 and a big girl now, I could not leave and have Thanksgiving without her. It just wouldn't be the same. I'm glad she is going to come with us.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling ok, but to be honest the last thing I want to do is be online. I come on for just a few minutes a day to check emails, etc but seriously I have been dreading it. It is just uncomfortable sitting here at my desk typing. I would use my laptop, but it is so slow. Anyway, I ordered a new laptop and it should be here soon. This way I can hopefully update more often, from anywhere in my house.

I have talked to Dr Kwong, and we are still waiting for authorizations from Kaiser, as well as some other stuff from the clinic in LA. I should hear something by Monday or Tuesday of next week.

I have had many visitors, and I thank everyone for stopping by. Roger, Tina & Nidelia came by and gave me some supplements that I have been using everyday. They really have helped with my energy level I have noticed. I'm not running marathons yet, but hopefully by New Years I will be. Then later that night Belinda and her aunt came over. Belinda gave me 2 shirts which I desperately needed. All my clothes are too big and shopping is not fun. The next day my Uncle Ralph came over with Chrissy, and also a surprise visit from my dad! I was so excited to see him. I didn't know he was coming. My mom was kind enough to make lunch for everyone! It was good. On Sunday Reyna stopped by and gave me a candle holder, with a pumpkin spice candle, my favorite for the holidays. And then Anna & Felicia came over with a WHOLE bag of new clothes for me! They went shopping and bought me tons of pants, shirts & tank tops. It was like Christmas. What did I do to deserve that? And then yesterday Rhonda came by and dropped of a ton of red velvet cupcakes. I haven't had time to try them yet, as my appetite is pretty small, but I'm sure they are delicious! And if you stopped by and I forgot to mention it, I'm sorry. Like I always say, I forgot. It happens. A lot.

For Thanksgiving Sebastian & I will be going to my dad's house. Reanna was supposed to join us, but she has tickets to the Sharks game tonight and can't go with us. So my poor baby will be home. I don't know what she is gonna do yet, but hopefully she'll go somewhere. I hate leaving her behind, but I know Anna & Fe are gonna come stay with her tonight, so at least I know she won't be alone.

My mom left home this morning. She won't be here all weekend, so unfortunately I won't be able to have any guests. It's just too much for me without anyone here helping me. So if you'd like to stop by, it will have to be after she returns, on December 2.

Thanks for all of your love and support, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Will I Ever Feel Well?

2008-11-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

For the most part I have my good and bad days. But it seems that lately I've been having more bad days. I rarely leave my house and I'm still in pain. Just yesterday my left leg started hurting really bad. I've just been taking the usual, Tylenol, and it hasn't been enough. So I started taking the stronger medicine, Dilaudid, and it just helps a little. It makes me feel more drowsy and lessens the pain a little, but it doesn't completely go away. I am glad though that so far it does not make me feel nauseous.

Tomorrow is a week that I have not heard from Dr Kwong. I have some questions for him, so I'll be shooting him an email tomorrow. Any new news will be posted here.

Just like last year, it is very difficult to make any holiday plans. My dad has invited me over, but I hate the fact that it's so close to the day, and I still don't know if I can make it. Then if I can, I have to stay overnight because I cannot go to/from in one day, that's just too much for me. So I don't know if Reanna can come with us because of her work schedule. I really hate not knowing what's going on from day to day and leaving others hanging.

I'm so glad that people have started coming by the house. I must say that I cannot remember everyone, as my memory is really bad. But this weekend my sis Anna was here visiting with Felicia & Lenora, and then she came back with my Auntie Linda & Jade, and then again with Anthony! It has been really nice having her around. And they know the routine already. If they want something, get it themselves because I'm not getting it for them! As hospitable as I am... ha ha... it's too much for me to get everything. They have to do it themselves. And then today Ruby & Roxanna stopped by, and it was good to hang out with them too. I hung out with them last month, and got sick the next day. I hope that doesn't happen this time :) Luckily for them, my momma was here, so they didn't have to help themselves. She served them food & drinks, I love my momma! So if you wanna be served, instead of serving yourself, come when my mom is here.

I must say I do get a good amount of emails and messages. I try to respond to all of them, but it is rather difficult. I DO READ THEM ALL. Please be patient with me and keep contacting me. One day I will get back to you. And I also said this in an email to Frances today, and I'll post it here. If you call me, keep calling. Even if you leave a message, don't expect a call back. I rarely call anyone. It's not that I don't want to call anyone, but who do I call? I've got a big list and it's easier to get a hold of me by being persistent. Don't give up. I will answer one day.

Not Much New Info

2008-11-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

I did get a call from Dr Kwong this week, but there really isn't much to tell. He re-iterated that I did not have the correct HLA type for the Stanford clinical trial. Then he gave me three other options. He said I can start a different chemo here at his location, which has a 10-20% response. Option #2 was to do a clinical trial in DC which is extremely toxic. Everyone knows how hard of a time I have with that. Or I can try another clinical trial in LA. I opted for the clinical trial in LA. I have no other details than that at this point. He has contacted them to get me in there, and I haven't heard anything back. Once again, as soon as I know, I'll post here.

I have been in fairly good condition since my last post. Just sore again. It's not that bad, I'm just taking Tylenol for now. But I'm staying home and not doing too much. I did go shopping this week, on Tuesday matter of fact. All of my clothes are falling off of me. At first I just thought they were loose. Then when I went to see the dr 2 weeks ago, I was down 30 lbs. Yep, I was shocked too. I have been eating normal again, so I don't know why there is such a dramatic weight loss. But I'm not complaining, I haven't been this skinny in about 14 years. But my mom has been here cooking healthier meals, so that could be one reason. Well, I know another reason is that I have no muscle left in my body. I don't recall if I've posted this before, but all of the laying in the hospital bed, resting at home, etc I've really lost most of my muscle. To get up and turn over is hard and exhausting. You don't realize how much muscle you have until it's all gone. Anyway, I was happy to buy some pants that fit good. All of my pants & shirts are too big. Well, except for my new ones! I can't wait to wear them. I didn't buy too much, because my weight is always up & down, so I'm not gonna spend a fortune on a new wardrobe, yet :)

The only problem with shopping is that I was so tired the next day. I have learned that I can only do max one thing a day, and only 2 - 3x a week. If I overdo it, I really pay for it. I have had a lot of friends want to get together, and to be honest, it's quite hard. Harder than I thought. If you all don't mind, I don't mind you coming to my house. That is better for me. Even that is not easy, but I will make do! I do lay down most of the day, it's more comfy than sitting. But if you want to come by, I'll sit up for a while. I always do when Lori or my sister Anna comes over. Both of them have really helped me a lot emotionally through this. They are always both here for me when I need them. One of the things I worry about most is my immediate family, and they both always reassure me that everything will be all right.

On that note, Reanna passed her driving test yesterday. She is now a licensed driver! Drivers beware!!!! I added her to our insurance today, and of course she's already out. She just drove herself to get her nails done. She already made a wrong turn, but that comes with the territory. She'll learn the roads soon enough.

Today I went out and got a massage. I really needed it. I did a lot this week (my standards, not yours) and was feeling really beat down. I went to pizza with my hubby, the Applebaums, my sis Anna & Anthony on Monday night, then on Tuesday I went to lunch and shopping with Sebastian, then yesterday I went to lunch with my mom, Reanna & Paige. Last night my whole body was really sore, and I was really feeling it. So I picked up the phone and scheduled a massage for today. It was so good. I don't know why I don't do that more often. I think I'm gonna make a habit out of going there from now on. Don't know what to get me for Christmas? InSpa gift certificate will do... any amount... ha ha...

No Clinical Trial at Stanford

2008-11-06T13:34:00.001-08:00

Sally at Dr Kwong's office called me this morning. My HLA type is not in the criteria for the Stanford clinical trial. So I was not accepted. As far as the next step - Dr Kwong has had his staff send over all of my records to the Stanford oncologists. They are going to review and will hopefully take me as their patient. I do not know when I find out the results to that, but as soon as I know, you'll know!

I Remember When....

2008-11-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

Challenger: My 8th grade history teacher, Ms. Taylor, kept the TV on the Challenger space shuttle all day. We had to watch it over & over. She told us it was going to be a big part of history.

Earthquake: I was working in the mall when the Loma Prieta hit. The walls were shaking, things were falling off the shelves and people were running everywhere. Minutes later the mall closed and it took almost 2 hours to drive 2 miles home. Everyone was safe. This was the biggest earthquake since 1906.

9/11: The radio woke me up to the news that the Twin Towers had been hit by airplanes. I immediately woke up Reanna and told her she had to watch it with me because it was going to be a part of history. We, along with the rest of the country, horrifically watched as the Twin Towers collapsed. America would never be the same.

Election 2008: I was so excited to go vote with my just-registered 18 year old daughter. No matter who won the election, history would be made. Around 7:30 pm we turned the news on so we could watch the progress of the election. At 8pm, they announced the west coast polls were closed. At 8:01 across the screen was a banner that read "OBAMA ELECTED" We were all bursting out of our skin in excitement. We watched both of the candidates speeches, and were truly proud of the outcome. I am truly proud to be an American, and a minority.

I Voted

2008-11-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

Did you vote? I hope you did. This morning I got up and got ready. At 10am, Sebastian, Reanna & I went to the polls and voted. Words can not explain how glad I was to see my young 18 year old daughter voting for the first time. I'm so happy to share the experience with her. I know I'm raising a young lady who believes her voice can make a difference.

The good thing is, there were NO LINES! We walked right in, signed in the log and got our voting sheets. We took a few minutes to fill them out and were out of there. After that, we went to Starbucks and got our free cup of coffee!

GO VOTE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO!!!

A Little Late

2008-11-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm a little late in my posting. I dressed up for Halloween, and wanted to do a Halloween blog. But that didn't happen. I had some back pain most of the day, and as the night came it got worse. I was home alone handing out candy, and at the time my adrenaline kicked in and the pain subsided. Once the rain started and the trick - or - treaters dwindled away, the pain came back worse than ever. I called the advice nurse to get a prescription from my doctor, but they wouldn't do that. So my mom & Reanna rushed me to to the emergency room. I was in so much pain, and the wait was awful. I was in pain, sweaty, clammy and everything else you could think of and they were making me wait. Finally they called me in, and right after they did, I vomited. I was so glad I didn't do that in the waiting room. My sweatiness & clamminess went away, but the pain did not. The dr came to visit me and gave me some nausea medicine and then morphine. After that, they did a few x-rays, and of course there was nothing they could see. The dr came back again, and since the pain was not gone, he gave me a bit more morphine. Right in the middle of the dosage, I vomited again. I guess I needed more nausea medicine?

They prescribed me more pain pills, dilaudid, which is stronger than morphine. I took those upon arriving home. I took them for about 24 hours then went back to tylenol. The only thing is the nausea has barely gotten better. Today was the first time I ate something solid since Friday. And all weekend I could barely hold fluids down. I can't wait to eat regular food again. I would post my Halloween pic, but I'm lucky I'm even doing this right now. Maybe later I'll do that, and then a pic of my mom on Saturday as it was her birthday! I felt so bad because I was so sick. Sebastian picked up a cake & flowers for her on his way home from work. He is the best.

New News

2008-10-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged lately because there is so much on my mind. I don't even know where to start. I just might have to do a few over the next few days to get it all out. But first, I know people are looking for an update. I met with my oncologist yesterday. He is looking into getting me into a clinical trial at Stanford. There are several at UCSF & Stanford, but almost all of them require a certain HLA blood type. I do not know what type it is, but of course mine is not the type they are looking for. So automatically I'm eliminated from a lot of clinical trials. Right now, for the advanced stages of melanoma (me) the only one in the area is the one at Stanford. The blood type is not the only criteria, so my dr is checking if I fit all of the criteria. He should be calling me by the end of the week to let me know if I'm a candidate.

I don't recall if I've posted it or not, but my appetite is back! YEAH! I'm eating normal portion sizes again. And my back pain is very minimal. I haven't taken any Tylenol since yesterday. I also slept really good last night, in my own bed! I must say, things are definitely looking up.

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Worse

2008-10-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a call from Dr. Gailani down in Riverside. He already received a copy of my scans from Tuesday and they were not good. The treatments have not stopped the cancer from spreading. So I will not be going down there next week. I guess the plus is that I didn't do the absentee vote on time, so now I can go and vote on November 4! I was worried that I was going to be in the hospital, and that both Sab & I were going to miss out on voting. Our votes count.

The last few days I have noticed a drastic decrease in appetite. I went to lunch with my dad yesterday, yes I was able to go, and couldn't eat much. I had about 1/2 of my side salad, and about 4 bites of my sandwich. I couldn't force another bite down if I wanted to. Same with lunch today. Sab & I had sandwiches, and I had to force myself to eat 4 bites. I hope my appetite gets better soon. For about 2 weeks I've also noticed my lack of strength. I try to get out as much as I can, which isn't often, but it's still hard. My legs, arms, stomach and back feel like there is no muscle left in them. Sebastian might get me some small dumbbells just to help me rebuild my strength. I still have my gym membership, but I doubt that have 2 lbs there :)

Worse Than I Thought

2008-10-22T10:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a worse day than I thought it to be. It started out ok, and got worse as the hours went by. Tylenol was my best friend yesterday! As was my mom, who made sure I was as comfortable as I could be. The aches and pain carried into night, and I even slept in today. Yep, I didn't get up until about 9:30am. For me, that's sleeping in! I'm normally up around 7am.

Today my dad is coming by. He & his girlfriend Barbara are driving down for the day to visit me. I think we are gonna go have lunch. I think I'm up to it, but I'll have to see when they get here. You see, ever since doing my chemo treatments, I have the worst gag reflex when I brush my teeth, and especially my tongue. Just thinking of gagging makes me gag, it's that bad. So I have to have my mind totally on something else when I brush my teeth to keep me from dry heaving. I know you don't want to here that, but it's true. I also try not to brush my teeth after I eat, so I don't throw up. Well, today I guess I wasn't careful enough. I ate my cereal and less than an hour later I brush my teeth, and got to re-visit my cereal. It was awful. I don't know if it was because I was so sick yesterday and it's coming back, or if I just didn't concentrate that well today. Either way, I hope this doesn't happen again.

I would like to say thank you to Bill, Sebastian's dad. I got the nicest card and gift from him this weekend, it was totally unexpected. It seems as if there are always angels surrounding me. Every time I'm feeling down, sick or sore, there is always someone that lifts me back up. I could not have asked for a better family, or friends that are like family!

I've Lost Count

2008-10-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

I went for my PET/CT scan this morning. I've done this so many times, I've lost count at how many this is. I'm praying the results are good and that I'll be back in Riverside for Halloween. I thought I would find out the results at the end of this week, but my appointment with my oncologist is next Tuesday. One whole week before I find out the results.

I've been getting out about every other day. It's weird. Some days are good, some are bad. I still haven't been able to fully recover and I never know what the day is gonna be like. I thought today would be a good day, and after my scan I got really sick and my body was aching. I got home and took some Tylenol, and my mom massaged my whole body. Every time she does that it relaxes me and helps the pain go away. What would I do without her?

No New Updates

2008-10-16T13:49:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted lately because I have no new updates. I go next week to get another PET scan, and probably won't find out the results until the end of the week. Of course I scheduled it for first thing in the morning, because I hate not being able to eat/drink all day. One time I think my appointment was at 2pm, and the appointment is close to two hours! I don't know how I made through that day without fainting. But I must say, I learned my lesson and get the earlier appointments now. Other than that, everything is going smooth. A few days ago I was having the worst back pain ever, that lasted a few days. But recently is has gone done. It is very minimal, and I sleep a bit better at night. Hopefully it's won't come back.

I try to get out once a day, but it's not always possible. Today, I'll actually get out 3 times - woo hoo! I just try not to over do it. I had to take Butter to the vet, because last week he had an ear infection. The appt was only 2 minutes! They just weighed him and then the dr checked his ear, and all is good. The infection is gone. I was surprised at how fast it went. Then I went to rent a few movies and grab lunch. I was too lazy to make anything, and my mom is not feeling well, so I didn't want to ask her to cook either. Then tonight I'll be going to ladies night w/Latinas y Amigas. I'm glad that I'm able to get out and hang with the ladies who do so much for me!

I want to say thanks to everyone who has sent me the nicest messages & emails. Thanks Austin for the poem. I totally got it and had tears in my eyes reading it. I know we don't see each other often, but that does not diminish our friendship or feelings for one another. You are like a brother to me.

I'm quite surprised that nobody has taken me up on my offer of stopping by or meeting up somewhere. The only person who has come by is Lori, and that's normal. She always comes by. I don't even have to ask her. I think that is why I appreciate her so much. She is busy with work and her daughter and the gym and church, etc, and she still comes by all the time and calls me all the time. And Sophia is coming by on Saturday, I can't wait to see her. I don't even remember the last time I saw her! Then there's Kathy. I barely met her, and she is always sending me the kindest, most encouraging emails and she has even offered to come meet up with me. I have just been bad and have not set up a time ~ Sorry Kathy! I will send you an email soon. I don't know what to think of it. I get a lot of emails from people with good intentions, but there is no follow through. Well if you don't intend on doing what you say, don't say it. I'd rather that. I'd rather get no e-mails than getting a lot of fluff. Actions speak louder than words.

Little By Little

2008-10-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

I'm recovering little by little. This time home is much better than last time after the IL-2 treatment. I did not get any arthritis this time. I can't say enough how grateful I am about that. I don't go back to Riverside until 10/31. Yep, Halloween. At least I get time to recover this time around.

I've also been getting out of the house and visiting friends little by little. My first weekend home I went to a bbq at my bosses house. I thought I would be there for about 2 hours, I ended up sticking around for about 5 hours. It was nice to see my co-workers and just hang out and relax. I sat the whole time so I didn't overdo it. I can't wait until I'm well enough to go back to work. Don't get me wrong, I like staying home :) I just like that it keeps my mind busy and focused on other things. Plus the people are so nice and understanding.

During the week I just stayed home. I think I went to Safeway once. That was my only outing. For several days the furthest I went was my mailbox, which is on my porch. I have some energy, but not a whole lot. I do hate staying home, but I also have a hard time just getting out. I was glad when Linda1 invited my mom & I to Capitola. I had been there before, and knew that downtown was not too big of an area. So my mom & I joined Linda1, Carolyn, Chris & MaryAnn on a day trip to Capitola. It was the most perfect day, not hot or cold. And since the area is pretty small, I got some walking in, but wasn't too exhausted. When we stopped and looked at the shops, most of them had benches out front so I got to sit down and rest a lot, which I needed. Here's a pic of me (Linda2) and Linda1 resting on a bench:

After Capitola there was a birthday party for my angel Serenity, she turned 11. I really wanted to go, but I didn't feel up to driving across town & back. So I missed her party. I was so sad. That was the first party of hers that I missed. I'm sure she understood. But on Sunday I stopped by and spent a little time with her. I took her to get a pearl drink (our fave) and then a game for her Nintendo DS. After that, we called it a day. It wasn't much time that I spent with her, but it's quality over quantity, right? I love my conversations with her, its like being a kid again :)

I'm trying to make time to hang out with friends & family this month since I have a bit more energy than I have in a long time. My weekends are slowly filling up. Everybody has things going on during the weekends! I'm free all week, obviously. So if you have time during the week, call me or stop by my house. Once in a while I won't mind getting out too, I just can't get out everyday. This Thursday I'm actually getting out to have lunch with my co-workers. If you are free, let me know so we can make arrangements to meet up! I'm open to just about anything.

I'm so touched that so many people read this. Sometimes I don't realize how many people are actually interested. Then I get emails that I haven't updated in a while ~ yeah, I've been lagging! Then I get other emails at how moved people are by my story. At times I think it's just me and my immediate family that are affected, because I talk to them and see them daily. It's nice to know that there are others out there who care.

People think I am strong. I don't think I'm as strong as people think I am. I am selfish. Very selfish. I am grateful. Very grateful. What makes me both selfish & grateful at the same time? The fact that if anything happens to me, I will not be in as much pain as those I leave behind. I cannot imagine losing a parent, a daughter, a spouse, a sister or a friend. All of which I am. Just the thought is frightening to me. I hope I never have to experience anything that painful. And I hope those around me don't have to experience anything that painful. I'm here for the long haul.

There's No Place Like Home

2008-09-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

I was so happy to arrive home yesterday. We got to the house right at 5pm. I know this because there was a lovely bouquet on my front porch. I was quite surprised and had no clue who it would be from, and it ended up being from my work. Wishing me a Happy Birthday. I was bummed, because I knew at 5pm everyone would be heading home and it was too late to call and thank them. But I called this morning - so that was good.

We got to Riverside Thursday evening, and it was an ok ride. I rode in the back most of the ride and layed down because of the pain. Luckily it was tolerable. First thing Friday morning we got up and did my lab work.

I feel like a platinum member down at Riverside too now. I know all of Dr Gailani's assistant's now, the crew who always insert my central line know me by name, as do the nurses. Everywhere I go it's like running into old friends. And they treat me so nice.

Sebastian knows I hate stuffed animals. But on my birthday he came in the door and brought me a stuffed dog that looks just like my dog Butter. It made me so home sick. I looked at the dog and couldn't help but fall in love. You see, Butter is my side kick. He has his own bed in our room, but every night at bedtime he comes and lies on my side of the bed right in front of my nightstand. He stays there all night, or sometimes he'll go inside my closet and sleep under my hanging clothes. But he never goes far.

Also on my birthday I had a visitor. My mom and her husband drove from Las Vegas to visit me. Once again, I do remember them visiting, but not much more than that.

This time around I got thru 8 treatments. The problem is my heart rate and blood pressure get too high, and they have to be able to control that in order to continue my treatment. A few times I got out of bed to use the restroom, and my blood pressure would skyrocket. So for two days they banned me from getting out of bed. That was not fun. Luckily it did not last long. Then the doctor told them to hold one treatment, which they did. Two hours before I was to resume treatments again, Dr Gailani stopped them and said that was it for this time. Eight is good, and he didn't want to over do it.

On The Road Again

2008-09-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sebastian & I are leaving again today to Riverside. I hope that I'm up to it. The ride is not that bad, but I'm afraid of the pain I'm going to be in.

I finally called Robin, Dr Gailani's assistant. I told her that I was in a ton of pain, and asked if this was normal. She said yes, that arthritis is a common side effect of the IL-2. Why do I never know these things ahead of time? Anyway, ten minutes later Sebastian was at the store buying me Tylenol Arthritis, because that is about all I can take (according to Robin). It helps, but just for a few hours.

My best friend Lori will be here watching the house with Reanna. Reanna is not coming with us this time, she has to go to work. I hope that they don't have any incidences like last time I left her. Lori, Reanna & Breanna (Lori's daughter) went to Valley Fair Mall. As they were pulling up, a guy was running out of the mall with a stack full of jeans in his arms. Lori goes "He's stealing!" and says "Come on" and they start following them in the car. She makes Reanna call 911 and give the license plate number, and Reanna & Breanna are scared! Reanna was saying "Lori, what if they shoot us!" And Lori was saying "They won't shoot" etc and kept following. Anyway, I think they finally lost the guys and went back to the mall. Well, the stack of jeans were not cheap. The jeans are about $250 each. Yep. Jeans.

We are still eating the food from Latinas y Amigas. And it's not just us anymore. A few days ago my dad & I had tamales for lunch. There was one left the next day, so Sebastian put it in Paige's lunch. Later that day, everyone was off resting, and Sebastian comes down the hallway asking if I saw the mess and left it? No, if I saw a mess I would have called someone to clean it. What mess??? Paige's backpack was about 4 feet from where she left it, and there was a plastic baggie and shredded corn husk in the hallway. Yep. Peanut ate the tamale. The whole thing. Here he is, returning to the scene of the crime.

Last night Reanna got a cake for my birthday. That was so nice of her! She also got me a gift card to InSpa, where I love to get pedicures & massages. Last week when the arthritis started, I told Sebastian I wanted to get a massage this week before we go back to Riverside. Well, I haven't been up to it, it's been that bad. But now when I get home, I have a gift card to go. Reanna didn't even know I had told Sebastian that. She is the greatest!

Time to go ~ hope you all have a good weekend and I'll be back probably late next week. L~

What A Weekend

2008-09-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

I think this has been the most horrific weekend by far. I have been in so much pain. I do not know if it's the drugs going through my body fighting the cancer, or if it's the cancer. Whatever it is, it goes down to my bones. I hope this pain goes away soon. Today is a bit better, especially if I'm online!

I forget so much lately. Sometimes I even go through and re-read my blog, and I read stuff like it's the first time. I have no recollection of what I have written. I guess that's a good thing I keep this then.

I do remember that Louise came to visit me in the hospital last time I was there, and I didn't see that in any posts. But much more than that, I don't recall. I'm sorry Louise, I wish I remembered more.

Thanks to Latinas y Amigas for the wonderful food again. We have already enjoyed the muffins from Natalie, Lucy's Famous Angel Hair Spaghetti and MaryAnn's Superb Pork Chops served with Potatoes & Bacon. We will be enjoying the rest soon. It really helps to have a home cooked meal after being away for so long. Hospital food ~ need I say more, and Taco Bell don't cut it after you've been in the hospital for so long. Oh yeah, another story I forgot to tell. The day I was discharged I ate breakfast, and it was ok. Then the lunch, no thanks. So I was just eating a few orange bites from the lunch tray. They didn't settle very well, and so up comes my oranges and breakfast. We are trying to get released asap to get driving home, but the dr was on lunch, etc and so we had to wait until like 2pm before we were finally discharged. I was so hungry, and as we left the hospital I asked Sebastian if I could get Taco Bell. Well, you have to know Sebastian to understand him. He was upset because we were going to get stuck in LA traffic. So I just complained a little that I had nothing in my stomach and that I didn't want to wait 3+ hours to get food. So of course he takes me and we get on the road. About 20 minutes in, I felt nauseous. I didn't want to throw up, as he would get upset (like I said, you have to know him). But it just was not the right thing to eat at the time. Luckily I didn't throw up, but I haven't wanted or craved Taco Bell since that day. I have been wanting home cooked meals, and thanks to you wonderful ladies, I have had them.

This weekend will be my birthday. I guess since Reanna's 18th birthday was in between treatments and we didn't do much, and Sebastians birthday fell on the day we were driving down, it's only fair that my birthday gets sacrificed too. Only I will be in the hospital, and be allowed no phone calls. I do remember they do not allow cell phones! And please, please, please do not disturb the ICU staff by calling. They are busy tending to me and other patients.

I'm Home, But Not For Long

2008-09-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

I got released from the hospital yesterday, and got home last night. I'm so glad to be home. The week went by so fast, but it's so weird because I had no outside communication. This time I was admitted to ICU starting day 1, and they allow no cell phones in your room. And if you get a phone call, they bring a phone to you to use very briefly. I think I got a message from a nurse that my sister called but I was sleeping. I don't know which sister it is, but I'm sorry I missed your call. I was in ICU because of the side effects. The whole time I was there they had me hooked up to a heart machine, checked my blood pressure every 13 minutes, and were always checking my oxygen levels. While still giving me IV's, infusions, pills, and every else. I had so may wires, plugs, etc if I yawned, they knew about it.

Starting out, they try and get 14 doses of the IL-2. They told me not to worry if I can't to all 14, most people only get 7 - 9 their first time. When all was said and done, I got 10 doses in. Once again, above average :)

The whole time I was there, Reanna stayed in my room with me. Poor thing, she probably got no sleep and what little she did was on this tiny seat that makes into a bed. Luckily, she is small. I would wake her during the night and make her push the nurse button. Between the nurses bugging me, and me bugging them, I don't think she slept. Now that I think about it, I don't think she was there to sleep.

Another good thing about being home ~ no more pill popping. I feel like all day & night I was popping pills. Just to look at them make me want to throw up now. There were a few times in the hospital when I actually did. Then the nurses would look through it to see which ones I was gonna have to take again. Glad that's not my job.

My recovery is not that bad. I don't have much nausea. But my whole body gets really sore. I'm extremely bloated, which they say should last more than a few days. The soreness comes and goes, and Tylenol helps it to go....

I go back next week. I can't believe it's so fast. But yep, next Friday I get to start this all over again. Why did I even leave Riverside this time?

Happy Birthday Sebastian

2008-09-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today is my husbands birthday! Since we are leaving for Riverside in just a few hours, we had a pie for him last night. Nothing fancy, it was just me, him and the girls.

Today I've been cleaning a little, so my house isn't too dirty for Lori when she comes and watches it for us. And packing a little too. I've got to go finish that up soon.

I also want to wish a Happy Birthday to Lucy! I wish I could join you beautiful ladies tonight, but unfortunately I can't. I'm glad I was able to make it last week, I had a great time. I'll be back soon ladies, save a seat at the table for me.

I'll be offline for a week, but Reanna might come and do a few posts for me if she has time. Have a great weekend. L~

I Love Kiehl's

2008-09-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

I know all I ever do is say thank you, but there are so many people out there who have helped me lately I can't say it enough.

Anyway, last week when I took Reanna to the mall to get her new Ed Hardy sweatshirt, I stopped by Kiehl's because I needed a new toner. I have been using their Avocado Eye Cream for YEARS, and will not use anything else. And I dabble in the rest of their products when I can, like the Silk Goom cream, when I have hair. It makes my hair look so shiny. The Sales Assitant, Zan, was sooo nice to me. I told her my skin was extremely dry due to chemo, and she helped me get a good toner and then the Creme de Corps lotion w/spf 30. OMG, it's so smooth & silky ~ and it smells good! I love it. I don't know if I can use anything else now. I must say Zan went above and beyond. She was so kind and caring, and geniunely interested in me. Before I left, she went to the back and gave me tons of samples for my newly extra dry skin. I gave her this website before I left, so she can read my story anytime. Well, that night she sent an email that she loved the site, and that she wanted to give me some scalp oil because with chemo comes dry scalp. Right when I read that email, I realized how dry my scalp was. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out your issues! So I sent her my address, and in today's mail came a box with a full size bottle of oil for my dry scalp and two lotions! I can't wait to use the oil on my scalp tonight. Every day it seems to itch more and more. Thanks to the team at Kiehls, Valley Fair ~ Camie, Kathy, Sha & Zan. I will definitely be going there more often! You ladies are the best.

While I'm at it, thanks to Selina & Marissa for cleaning my bathroom for me. If you know me, I'm a product junkie. I try everything. Then I get something new. I have so many products in my bathroom, it has taken over my whole tub. I couldn't even get into my bath. Selina & Marissa came over and got rid of everything that I no longer use, and cleaned my tub & tile area. I can now take a bath, in peace. And Sebastian doesn't get as mad because not as many things are falling when he's using his stuff! Thanks, I owe you too one.

My sister Maria came over and helped me out after my mom left. She was kind enough to even plant a tree in my backyard and got me a new hanging plant that we put in front of our house. Sebastian likes it because he stuck it where we had a longer plant, and you can now see our new mailbox. I think it's a guy thing.

Anna, Felicia & Jasmine helped me a ton with the BBQ. Thanks for helping me set up and clean up, I couldn't do it without the 3 of you. Oh yeah, Lenora too. I look at the picture she drew me before my first chemo visit every day. It's still on my fridge. I owe her some toys. Remind me before she comes next time, because I'm gonna forget!

Thanks To All

2008-09-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came to our BBQ. I enjoyed it, just wish I had more time to hang out with those of you that I didn't get a chance to. And I'm sorry for those of you that couldn't make it, hopefully we'll see each other soon.

I tried to take pictures of everyone, but I missed a lot of people :( It was a fun day, but very tiring. I'm still sore from Sunday. I feel like I had a good workout!

Thanks Uncle Manuel

2008-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

I was really feeling down and then my doorbell rang. I got mad, thinking who is it? My dogs were barking like crazy and I didn't' feel like answering, but I did to shut them up. I saw a man running to his van. I thought, cool, they scared him off. I was reading his van and was checking out what he was selling. Flowers? They don't usually solicit. Did I get flowers? I looked down at the ground, and saw flowers! I immediately opened the door and thought ~ wow, who would do this? Right when I'm feeling so sad. The guy said "I'm afraid of dogs!" and I said, "that's ok." But in my mind I was thinking "that's what they're here for, to send people away!" LOL... Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to my Uncle Manuel & family. You brightened my day more than words can say. You truly are the best. I'm sad you can't make it this weekend, but your flowers will be out for everyone to enjoy. The weird thing is, I just opened a chinese fortune cookie, and it reads: A present, over which you will shed tears of joy.

On a lighter note, I also just got a call from Robin, Dr. Gailani's assistant. I am still going to Riverside next week. As I said earlier, I'll be doing IL-2, 14 doses. I will get a dose every 8 hours. My treatment in the hospital will be a lot harder than the chemo, but going home will be much easier. She said most people leave the hospital and head to Del Taco. Me, I'll go to Taco Bell, I like them better. I'm sooo glad I didn't have to wait the whole weekend to find this out. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Poor Sebastian. He'll have to work on his birthday (Sept 4th) then get off and drive down to Riverside right after. No party, no dinner out. I'm sorry he has to spend his birthday & birthday weekend driving me down and visiting me in the hospital. If you are coming to our BBQ this weekend, please just wish him a Happy Birthday. Thanks everyone, and have a good & safe holiday weekend~

PET Scan Results

2008-08-29T13:41:00.001-07:00

I had my PET/CT scans on Wednesday, and went to see Dr Kwong today to find out the results. They were not good. There are more cancer spots on my liver, and there is even a little on my clavicle. I read a little bit of the notes, and I saw it even mentioned something weird in my left leg, which I already knew. At night time I get sharp pains in my leg, and once in a while I'll get it in the day too. In my left groin area, there was a huge amount lit (it lights up where the cancer is) so it has even spread there. I'm not sure if I'm going to Riverside now. I've called Dr Gailani and even paged his assistant, but have not heard back yet. I hope I hear back today. I would be totally devastated to have to wait for the 3 day weekend to be over for results. If I do go back, it will be a different treatment. No more chemo. Just high dose IL-2. I asked if I would be covered if I sought treatment elsewhere, and he said only if I could find somewhere where the results were proven. If I do any clinical trials, I won't be covered by Kaiser. He also said he will look into it for me. He is going to check a facility in NY, I forget what it's called, but it's the best in the country. I'm also going to do my own research myself. I won't give up, I will be my own advocate if I have to.

You Are Invited

2008-08-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

Yes ~ YOU! This Sunday Sebastian & I will be having a BBQ at our house at 12:30pm. You are invited to come and spend the afternoon with us. Stop by and eat and just hang out. Call, email, or comment here if you are coming so we know how many to plan for. We'll see you on Sunday!

Do Not Do List

2008-08-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

During my first visit to Riverside, Dr. Gailani gave me a list of things that I can not do. Some I just didn't understand.

Do Not Shave: I am not to shave any part of my body. My immune system is way down, and my skin is very thin. Any scratches or nicks could take a long time to heal.

Do Not Itch: Same as above. My skin is too thin, and can't heal very well if I scratch hard enough to break the skin. The thing is, when you don't shave your legs, they itch! No amount of Benadryl helps to solve that problem. I'm still having issues with this. Oh yeah - I also rub my legs hoping the hair will fall out, but so far it just falls out of my head. Why not my legs?

Do Not Have Sex: A little personal, don't you think? Actually, Dr. Gailani had his assistant tell me that, and I was almost comatose, so I don't remember the reason why. Some rules were meant to be broken, right?

Do Not Be Around Sick People: Yep, also my immune system. If I get sick, and don't get better fast, it's possible they won't let me go back and do my treatments.

Do Not Floss Teeth: My gums could bleed, and not stop. Best to not even try it.

Use A Soft Toothbrush: As a hard one could also make my gums bleed. Well, the only soft ones I could find are the toothbrushes for 2 - 5 year olds. I have Dora the Explorer.

Brain Scan OK

2008-08-20T12:28:00.001-07:00

My brain scan last week was o.k. Everything was fine. My dr was just being cautious.

Unfortunately my sister went home yesterday, I was sad to see her leave. I'm so bummed because I cannot find the battery charger for my camera. So I took no pictures :( I'll have to take tons when I go out to visit her now!

Right when I think I'm good, I'm not. I've been feeling really well this past weekend, and did just a little bit each day. Well yesterday I got knocked back down again. It was bad. I'm barely recovering from that. I don't know how come it happens? I wanted to see a few people this week, but I'm gonna pass because I need to get better. Hopefully next week I'll be able to see one or two friends I've been wanting to hang out with.

I'm Such a Sop!

2008-08-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

So when my sister Maria finally arrived at my house, we both started crying uncontrollably. It makes me think of how true the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Neighbors must've thought someone died the way we clung onto each other and hugged and cried. It has been really great hanging out with her, and to top it off my dad came down to visit also.

Last night, the Latinas Y Amigas stopped by and dropped off tons of food for my family & I. Right on time too. I was just scouring the fridge for dinner. The spaghetti hit the spot. Thanks to whoever made that. Yum Yum. I'm sure the rest of the food will be just as good in the days to come.

I also got a beautiful email from Amy this morning. Her words always bring me to tears. I truly have been blessed with good friends.

On a medical note: I have a do another PET scan (platinum club here I come) and CT before I can go back to Dr. Gailani's office. Plus my white blood cells are down, which are expected, so I have to go do more blood work today. I have also been extremely restless and my speech is really slurred. So I stopped some of my nausea medicine, and Dr. Kwong had me stop it all. It has been 24 hours, and it's still a little slurred. So now I'm going to get a brain scan, just be on the safe side. Luckily my nausea is good.

My Sister's Here!

2008-08-14T12:10:00.001-07:00

My sister Maria is on her way here, Lori just picked her up @ the airport. I can't wait to see her! I'm exuberant with excitement. I haven't seen her in about 3 years. I can't wait to hug her.

Thanks Amy K.

2008-08-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say thank you to Amy for all of your support. I got home from the hospital on Sunday, and Monday I saw there was a card from you (and others, thanks all) and I was too tired to open it. On Tuesday I mustered enough energy to open the card (doesn't sound that hard, but it really was) and it took me a minute to see what it was. It was the most beautiful card ever. I just started crying right there at the table. I could not control myself. You can see the scan below (just the cover). I can't tell you how much that card meant to me. Thanks Amy, you are truly a wonderful friend. Words cannot express my gratitude for you, even though you yourself have your own circumstances to deal with. Sometimes I wonder how I lucked into the best set of friends, family. Thanks to all for supporting my family & I during this time.

Missing Momma

2008-08-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

This time when I got home from Riverside, my mom was here to help me out. She helped with meals, making sure I had my medicine, and everything else in between. There's nothing like a mother's touch. And how soft and gentle she is. Every time she touched me, or stroked my hair (yeah, I still have a little left) I could feel her gentle touch. Funny, no matter how old you are, you still love the stroke of your mom's hands. She helped and made sure I always had fresh water and clean underwear. That's a mom for you! She has started her journey home, and I can't wait for her to come back and help out again.

My Baby's Growing Up

2008-08-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

So today is Reanna's 18th Birthday. How excited I am for her. She is really becoming more independent and it is a pleasure to see. She even went and got a piercing today. Check her out! I still could not do something that brave. Hard to believe that she is an adult. I want to watch and protect her for life. I just wish that her birthday could have been grander, like with a party or something. I'm still sluggish, and my words are still slurred, that we couldn't even sing Happy Birthday to her. I know she knows that we would if we could. I'm just so proud of her! I LOVE YOU REANNA. HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY.

I'm Home

2008-08-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm home from my second stint in Riverside. Right now I'm just too tired to post, too tired to talk, and too tired to walk. I'll post when I have more energy.

I Did It

2008-08-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

This morning Sebastian, Reanna & I went to Mimi's for breakfast, my fave. After breakfast we went to the mall to look for a wig store. We couldn't find it, and were running out of time so we stopped looking. We dropped off Reanna @ the airport so she can go come home. She has to go back to work, so she can't stay until next weekend. I'm going to miss her.

After we dropped her off, I went back to our room so that I can look online for a wig store in the area. I found one, and after calling found out it was closed on Sundays. So I found another place, and called. Denise, the owner, answered the phone. She said that she too was closed, and that she doesn't sell wigs anymore because she downsized her shop. So I got off the phone with her and started searching again. Then I thought to call her back and ask her since my internet connection here is soooo sloooow. She just mentioned the first place I tried. Then she said she lives nearby, and that she has a few left at home and she'd bring them by if I wanted to go meet her at her shop. Of course I wanted to see them. So we went and met her, and the first time I tried them on, they were just o.k. My hair was too fluffy underneath and it was hard to see what they would look like without all of the fluffiness. She asked if I was going to cut it or shave it, and I told her maybe when I go home. She offered to cut it down a bit so it would not get so tangled. She said that if I wanted to see her when I was released from the hospital she would shave it in a back room. I told her I was not there yet, but that she could cut it. So she did. She was so nice about it, and totally understood me. She said she has dealt with many women with cancer, and could totally relate to how I felt. So she cut my hair shoulder length and it was a little poofy. She asked if I'd like it thinned down because of the length. Of course! Everyone knows how curly hair is not good short. So she kept cutting & cutting & cutting. By the end, my hair was pretty short. It reminds me of a picture of me as a baby with short curly hair. I think that was the last time my hair was ever so short. And I didn't even cry. She was so wonderful. I don't think I could have done that without her. After she cut it, we tried the wigs on again, and I found one that I liked. It looked much better with my hair flatter. It's short, but I don't care. My husband likes it and that's all that matters.

We went out for dinner, and I went out without the wig. Just my own short hair. It was different for the first few minutes, but now I'm getting used to it. I'll probably start using the wig once more hair falls out. It's still pretty thin, but not too bad now that it's shorter. I know you want pictures, but not yet.... I gotta get used to this more!

The Adventures of Thelma & Louise

2008-08-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

This morning Sebastian, Reanna & I went to visit my cousin Chrissy in Long Beach. We got to see her cute little home, and meet Teddy, her adorable dog. Teddy ~ if you're reading this, we can't wait for you to come & play with Peanut and Butter. We hung out at her house for a bit, mostly so I can hang out with Teddy. He is such a flirt, he tried to kiss me right in front of Sebastian. Then we had to part ways and leave Teddy behind. We went and ate lunch at Famous Dave's. Yummy. It was really good. After Famous Dave's, we headed over to the Aquarium. It was really nice and the weather was perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. I really missed holding hands & kissing Sebastian today. But today was not about me! Since Chrissy is not married yet, I agreed to share Sebastian with her today. Wait, let me re-write that. Not that she's not married yet. She's not married, period. We saw the sharks, stingrays (and Chrissy got her chance to sting one back, twice!), eels, seals, and much much more. Bummer that the otters were sleeping. It would've been nice to see them swimming around. But who am I to complain, when you tired, you need to rest. From someone who knows. It took longer than probably most people, because we had to stop & sit for a bit. But it was good because we got to talk and hang out a bit. After the aquarium, we called it a day, and I got my husband back ;)

I talked to Lori today, and she checked my messages at home. I will be admitted Monday. I know it's crazy, but I can't wait.

No Treatment Yet

2008-08-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

So I showed up to Dr Gailani's office yesterday. I met with his assistant first and then Dr Gailani. After they both asked all the questions twice, Dr Gailani did not want to admit me. He wants to make sure that I don't have any GI infections. It's ok if I do have an infection, they'll just give me medicine to fix it. But they want to make sure if I have it or not. Plus he wants me to rest a little bit more. He was leery of admitting me again because I'm not 100% yet. He said it's like beating me while I'm already down. He wants me a little better so that my body can handle it better. He's off today, so I'll most likely be admitted on Monday. He told me to go to Disneyland for the weekend. I can barely walk around my house, and he wants me to go to Disneyland? Unfortunately that's not gonna happen.
It really messes everything up that I wasn't admitted yesterday. Now we have to fly Reanna home because she has to go back to work. Sebastian is gonna have to take another week off of work. And my mom was to fly out the day I got home to take care of me. Plus Lori is watching my house and Peanut & Butter. So everything is all messed up. Luckily everything is working out little by little.
About 1 1/2 weeks ago Reanna flat ironed my hair. So I didn't have to wash it for quite a few days. Finally on Wednesday I washed it. When I did, my hair fell out. A lot. Kind of like when it came out after my Interferon treatments, but more. I was planning on having her do it again, but was afraid it would pull out my hair more. Since I knew I'd be checking in the hospital yesterday, I didn't wash it. Of course I had to wash it today. Clumps and clumps were falling out. Just when I thought I was done, and my hair had already been rinsed, there was another huge clump. I was shocked and gasped. Reanna asked me if I was ok, because she was right outside of the bathroom. I just said "Yeah, it's just my hair falling out" The water pressure was not so good, so my hair was all knotted up. Reanna helped me brush it out, and more and more hair came out. I filled the garbage about 1/2 way will all my hair. If you see me now, it still looks normal. But I don't know know long this will last. Earlier today said he loves me no matter how much hair I have. He asked if I would still love him if he was bald, and I said "Of course!" He said he feels the same way towards me, and he said at least mine will grow back :) I told him I totally understand that. I don't feel like people will love me less, its just like a part of me will be missing. I don't think of my hair as my trademark (I think that my trademark would be my love of makeup ~ and I very rarely wear it lately, as it's takes too much energy.... so I'm not that vain!), but I am just having a hard time losing it. It falls out every where. It's on everything. I can only imagine how much will come out when I start the treatment again. I'm afraid to wash/brush it again, but I have no choice. I guess I shouldn't take it for granted while I still have it.

Blow Out

2008-07-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

We left town early in the morning, 4am to be exact. We stopped around 7am to grab a bite to eat and then headed over the grapevine. I was awake and talking to Sebastian, and watching the road. All of a sudden it sounded as if we hit something, but I didn't see anything, so I ask if it was a tire? He started to slow down and see, and the car got shaky. So we knew. Yep. We had a blow out. Luckily there were not too many cars around. We pulled over and waited for AAA to come out. It's scary on the side of I5 with all of the diesels driving by! We waited about 30 minutes, but once they were there they were fast. The funny thing is we didn't take our Mercedes because I blew a tire one time by hitting a small pot hole. Low profile tires blow easy. So all week Sebastian contemplated what car we should take. He kept saying, let's take the Explorer, it's safer. Proved us wrong. At least we made it here to Riverside safe.

Packing My Bags

2008-07-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'm packing my bags. I am going back to Riverside in the morning. I check in @ Dr Gailani's office at 2pm tomorrow. Another round of Advanced Bio-Chemotherapy. Since this is my second time, I kind of already know what I'm in for. The only thing that scares me is that this time will be much worse, because I haven't even recuperated from my last visit. I'm now getting out and doing a few things, but still very limited. I have others do things for me as much as possible. Bending down to pick things up is a chore. And now that I'm feeling better, I'm gonna go get loaded up with medicines again. But as all the doctors have told me, and Kathie even re-iterated today, I'm young and my body can handle it. I am strong and will get through these treatments, no matter how rugged it is. There is no wi-fi at the hospital, so there will be no updates until I get home, unless Sebastian or Reanna want to do it.

I hope you all have a fabulous week/weekend. I know I will! Forgettable, I'm sure.

Bye Bye

2008-07-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

The time has come, and we must say bye to Twinkie. I say this with a sad and heavy heart. Sebsastian and Paige took Twinkie to the vet this morning. I didn't hug her because I thought she'd be back. Oh how I wish I could pet her and give her just one more hug. And smell her stinkie breath (her nickname is Stinkie Twinkie) just one more time. I thought they were going to do bloodwork and call us back with results. But that didn't happen. The vet told Sebastian that she is up in age and suffering a lot. I wish he brought her back home. This is her house. This is where she belongs. With people who love and care for her. Our house will never be the same without her. She started out as our watch dog. But not only was she our watch dog, she was a member of our family. I grew to love her and would always stick up for her when Sebastian would get mad at her. Oh, how we are gonna miss her. I cant's stop crying. Will the pain ever end. We have never had to do this before. My heart hurts, as does the lump in my throat.

WE LOVE YOU TWINKIE.

Before & After

2008-07-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

My sister Maria was able to find a pic with all of us before! I know all my cousins are gonna be mad, oh well. Too bad. I wouldn't have posted it if you could see all of me :) I got the best spot, ha ha. The pic above is my sister Liza and her sister Debbie in the very back, then row 2 is Michael, me & Kenny, row 3 is Chrissy, my grandma & Vickie.

In the photo below its Kenny, Michael, me, Vickie & Chrissy.

Twinkie

2008-07-26T21:34:00.001-07:00

Here are pictures of Twinkie. I just love her! The first is of her in Butter's new bed. She had her own, and it was big, but she likes the smaller beds. Crazy, I know. The second is her in the kitchen, and the last is her in bed in our room. She has even gotten into the tiny brown one in the corner. Yep, she squeezed into that one too. I thought I had a pic of her in there, but I can't find it!!! When I find it, I'll post it.

ABC

2008-07-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

I feel most of the time I was in Riverside I was in a fog. I remember my first day there. We got there about 3am or so and checked into our room. We woke up around 8am or so and drove across the street to the hospital. We just wanted to find where we would be at. Once we knew where the Oncology Dept (The ABC clinic, which stands for Advanced Bio-Chemotherapy) was, we went to breakfast. After breakfast we showed up at Dr Gailani's office. Everyone there was so nice. The first lady just took me back and took my blood pressure, etc. It was low, and we told her that for me that's normal. Sometimes I'm normal, and a lot of times it's low, so I guess low is normal too...crazy, but it's true. Anyway, after that we waited a bit and then we got called into the physicians office. Dr Gailani's assistant came in and had my whole medical profile there! She asked me questions about my whole medical history, some stuff I had even forgotten about. But yep, she had notes on just about every visit I ever had, even pre-cancer. It was crazy! Then Dr Gailani came in the office and asked me all the same questions. They are really thorough and want to make sure nothing gets past them. It seemed repetitive, but in a way its good. While meeting with Dr Gailani, I learned that I have Metastatic Melanoma. For some reason I thought that metastatic was when it went to the brain, but I was wrong. Stage IV is metastatic. There was a chart in his office, and he asked me where I thought I was on the chart. Well, obviously I knew I was in the bottom stage. But I didn't know where. There are 3 stages of stage IV. I told him I knew it was in my liver, but the words that described them all didn't have any organs. So I told him I wasn't sure. He looked at me and told me I'm M1c. I'm in the bottom stage. There is no worse stage I could be in. Of course the statistics on the bottom stage was the very worst. Sebastian just sat there and started crying. My heart was going out to him. I did not want to break down in front of the doctor, and I think I kept my composure pretty good. But I kept looking at Sebastian and all the fear in his eyes. He was not taking everything very well. My dad was with us, and he was visibly upset also. The good thing is, he is a very good doctor, and he says that those statistics are not for everyone. His treatments are very good, and hopefully those statistics rise due to his work with melanoma patients! Right before leaving his office, Robin stuck her head in and introduced herself. She is extremely nice & helpful.

After meeting with the doctor, they took me over to the hospital section into the ABC wing. I didn't realize there was a whole wing just for his patients. I was very happy that everyone gets their own room. YEAH. I didn't have to share with anyone. So a few minutes after getting me to my room, they wheeled me down to ground level. They took me to this room with a lot of nurses around. It was where they inserted a tube in my neck. When I got down there, the nurse was really nice asking a lot of questions. He asked if he could pray for me, and I said of course. So right there while I was lying on the procedure table he prayed for me. It was really nice. After that, a dr came in and inserted everything. I was shocked at how many people were needed for this procedure. When I got my picc line, it was just one nurse practitioner. Here there was at least 5 people. I wonder if it was because it was in my neck versus my arm? And of course they used tape to keep it in place, and my whole neck got red and itchy. Anyway, after that they wheeled me back to my room afterwards and started hydrating me. The first day they just have IV's because they want to make sure you are properly hydrated. The next morning I started the treatment. Much after that is a fog to me. I really don't remember too much, mostly what my dad & Sab had told me. I do remember that on Saturday my cousin Chrissy (aka Louise) came out to visit me. She was supposed to bring a helmet and break me out, but she didn't! We did get in trouble though because they had given me chemo in my IV, and we left the ABC wing and were walking the hospital walkways. Little did I know that was a NO NO. With chemo in my IV, I can walk around, but must stay in the wing, which is very small. Guess I won't do that again. That night or maybe another night, I don't recall, but I had a high fever, 103. It wasn't coming down, so they made me got off the bed, and they stuck this cold blanket on the bed and made me lie down on it. Everyone who knows me, knows how much I love the cold. NOT. Then they laid 5 ice packs on me. It was sheer and utter pain. I hate the cold. They made me lie and sleep on the blanket all night. It was even connected to this a/c machine or something, so it was like 52 degrees. I was hating life. The next morning my temp went down, so they removed it. I was soooo happy about that. Later that day, my temp started rising again, and immediately they were being proactive and started putting ice packs all over me. I hate that, and I started moving them so that they weren't touching me. I remember the nurse got really mad and yelling at me, and I just remember thinking, I don't care. I'll move them when she leaves again. But Sebastian was there and he wouldn't let me move them. And he also took my blankets away! Luckily for me, my temp never got too high again. Most of everything else in between all that is forgotten. I do remember get a phone call or two, but that's about it. I think my sis Maria called me once, but I don't even know who else. So if it was you, I'm sorry!!! Even today Sab told me the day I was released we ate KFC back in the room. I do not recall that at all. He said I had a piece of chicken with potatoes & mac n cheese. I looked at Sab stunned. I do not recall eating chicken? I was asking what kind it was, what piece was it? Crazy how I've done things that I can't remember. Anyway, I do remember waking up first thing in the morning and Sebastian driving us home. I slept the whole way :)

The Party's Over

2008-07-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

Yep. My pity party is over. I really hate to be a downer, but that was just bugging to get out of me.

I keep looking at our beautiful boxer Twinkie. I love her so much. She is really getting up there in age, sometimes can't hold her food in very well, much like me! But she is so graceful. I have this feeling that she is in so much pain. But she humbly accepts it like a lady. Me, I'm far from that. When I'm in pain, everyone knows. I think even my neighbors can hear me yelling & moaning. I'm not as graceful as Twinkie. I hate to say we may have to put her down soon. She has been with Sebastian longer than I have. We are all having a hard time dealing with this. We are taking her to the vet next week to get her checked out. I hope she is o.k. I'll post a pic of her as soon as I can. She looks mean, but she is the sweetest dog. When you come to our house, she is very protective and stands at the door like it's her house, and she wants to know who you are before you enter. Once you're in, she's the happiest dog ever, turning in circles as if you are there to visit her. If you're eating, she'll put her cute mug in your lap, and she'll look up at you showing you the whites of her eyes. If you touch her, she won't leave. She'll stay there and expect you to pet her. She does not leave, even if we yell at her. She definitely runs our house. We love you Twinkie.

I've Been Robbed

2008-07-22T16:19:00.000-07:00

I've been getting better by the day. I'm still really tired and exhausted, and I'm even eating a little bit here and there. I just ate an oreo cookie! That is a big accomplishment for me nowadays. Before that's just a snack, but today it was a meal.

I've been thinking about why this has all been happening to me. I get so many messages that I'm so strong, courageous, etc. but for some reason I do not see that. I try hard to be positive, but sometimes the negative takes over me. I think today has been a negative day. Why has this disease come in and taken over? I read an email from Petra that she would buy a t-shirt if I published one from my July 5th post. So I went back and read that post. And I feel like I have more to add to it. Have you ever been robbed before? Well, years back our car got broken into and I felt violated. Like someone had gone into our personal space without our permission. Right now I feel the same way. This disease has entered my home without my permission. I am robbed of my time, my energy, my life. I can't even work right now. Like I want to? JK. I do love my job, and the people I work for and with. I don't even know when I can go back, or if I can go back. I look at my dogs and just wish I could walk them, but I can barely get from my living room to my bedroom without getting totally exhausted. And my friends/family. I love to talk/hang out, etc and even that is draining on me. My sister Anna came over the other day and I was really excited. But by the end of her visit, I was lifeless. I got sick less than two minutes of her leaving. Going to the dr's today to do more lab work was a whole days work.

So what's my point. I don't really have one. I just feel like I've been robbed. I want my life back. I just want to be with my friends & family and have no worries. I feel like I'm trapped in this body that's deteriorating and my heart and soul wants to flourish.

I've Been Too Tired To Post

2008-07-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone. I know people have been waiting for an update, but it has been a long and rigorous ride. I went to Dr. Gailani's office and had one week of treatment. Little did I know, that was the vacation. I guess the jokes on me. Coming home has been rough. Luckily for me, I've got a great support system and would not know what I would have done without it. Dr. Gailani has a great staff. Everyone there was so kind and nice, kinda like being at Disneyland. I did my treatments, and my dad and Sebastian were there with me all the time. As I remember, I'll write more about them, but right now it's a bit foggy. I was even lucky enough to have my cousin Chrissy (aka Louise) come and visit me on Saturday. I think the final day was Tuesday, but we actually came home on Wednesday, as to not have to deal with LA traffic. The ride home was perfect, but everything after that was bad. I could not (and I'm still having problems, even on Sunday) hold any food down. Not even liquids. Finally yesterday Lori & my dad took me to the ER to get an IV because it was so bad. And the dr was so cute, I kept thinking, is he married? But I couldn't bring up the nerve to ask him, I could barely tell him my problems. I wasn't thinking for me, of course not! I love my husband. But for my friend Lori. Lori, I forgot to tell you, that dr was cute, I should have been more bold and asked him for you. Next time. (I have his name on my pills you got for me, if you want to google him!!!).
I have not had time to read everyone's postings or emails, but will get to it as I get energy. This is as much as I can do today, but you can count on me. I'll be back before you know it!
~Linda

I'm On Vacation

2008-07-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, right. Got ya looking though, didn't I? Last night Sebastian went and took his test, then right when we got home we left. Kinda felt like a vacation. My husband is the greatest husband there is. But when it comes to vacation, watch out. Something gets into him and he is just awful. The slightest thing will upset him. So of course last night after he got upset, I told him to just stay behind, we'll be fine without him. Then he's begging me to let him go, and instantly changes for the better. Ten seconds later the dogs got out of the house, and there he goes again :) I just love him.... We got out of there in one piece, and made it to Riverside early in the morning. I had to go get my blood work done, then we went to breakfast. After breakfast, I went to admit. I met a few nurses, Robin, and the finally Dr Gailani. He was very straight-forward. No sugar coating. I even learned a little bit from him. Previously I knew Interferon treatments helped the survival increase rate by 10%. But his explanation was it gave me a few months more before it would come back. ???? Why did I waste a few months doing Interferon when that's about all the time that it gave me? Anyway, I'll leave that question for another day.

I go back to the hospital in about 1/2 hour to be admitted. After that I'll have no cell and no computer. What a bummer. So you won't be hearing from me probably until after I get home -sometime next week. I'd love to write more about my appt w/Dr Gailani, but I don't have the time. Oh yeah, according to the charts in his office I have Stage IV, M1c. The worst type of melanoma. I didn't know that Stage IV had different levels, I've never seen that before.

Have a great weekend all, hopefully better than I will.

July 5, 2008

2008-07-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

One year. Exactly one year ago today I found out I had melanoma. What I knew about melanoma then and what I know now is mind boggling. How this disease has gone from a mole to affecting my whole body is unknown. I did not ask for this disease. I did not invite this disease into my home. It has unwillingly taken residence in my body. My body. And it does not stop. Why is it so damn aggressive? It could've stopped long ago. But it does not give up. And neither will I. I will fight this disease with every being in my body. I will do whatever it takes. I will fight more aggressively than the melanoma itself. I gave up on the Interferon. My body could not handle it. That will not happen again. I will prove myself, and I am stronger than this disease.

I'm Trying My Best

2008-07-01T21:40:00.001-07:00

I'm trying my best to get back to everyone who has contacted me. It is rather difficult though. Please be patient. I have received many e-mails, and I read them all. Every single one. Sometimes they are so nice I read them over & over. But I do not have the time to answer everyone individually. I'm trying to do that little by little. I'm still working, and have my family to tend to, and of course my husband makes me rest & elevate my leg ~ a lot. I try to update here before I reply only because I know people are looking for updates, and I can reach a lot more people here than individually. And you all know that I when I'm with you, or write you, I give my undivided attention. So when I get to your message, please know I put my time, heart and energy into it. I can't tell you how important all of your messages are. They are so encouraging. I hear so many kind things ~ do you all have the right person? Did you get me mixed up with someone else? They touch my heart in so many ways. Sometimes I just sit in front of the computer and cry because they are all so beautiful.

So to answer a few questions I see repeatedly. I'll try to do it so everyone can understand, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes even I don't understand :) I have had 3 surgeries. The first was 8/13/07. Due to the amount of melanoma in the mole that was removed from my knee, they went in there and removed what tissue they could, and then removed 2 lymph nodes in my left groin to see if it spread. They found it had spread to my lymph nodes, so on 10/2/07 they removed the remaining lymph nodes (13) in my left groin. Of the 13, only 3 were positive for cancer, so they thought it was really good. I did treatment for about 2 mos, and life went back to normal. At my 4 mo. checkup, it was found that it had returned to my left groin area. Although the lymph nodes had all been removed, it's possible that a trace of cancer was still there. It used the scar tissue to regenerate itself. On 4/22/08 was surgery #3. The cancer was visible on my leg, and all of the skin was removed and the old scar was cut out. Dr. Kutner tried to get it all, but couldn't. Other thing I hear a lot ~ I don't look sick. Well, to be honest, I don't feel sick. The only time I feel sick is after surgery and when I did my treatment. Other than that life is normal. I guess that's what makes it hard sometimes for me to even accept this. How come I only feel sick when I'm trying to fight this disease? Believe me, I can do without the feeling sick part. Not the best days I've had. Last question ~ Yes, I'm still working. Part-time. My work has been very generous and I like to work because it's an outlet for me (just like writing here!). It gets my thoughts off of myself, and my situation.

Meet the Family

2008-06-30T08:09:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I went to my dad's house. I was really glad my Uncle Manuel had a get-together, because it got me out for the weekend. Luckily Sebastian had both Sat & Sun off (very rare) so he came too. On Saturday we dropped off Reanna at work and then drove up to my dad's house. Nice, long, hot drive. Luckily when we got to his house it was nice & cool. We were all tired, so we all took naps on his comfy couch (me, Sab, dad & Barbara). It was so funny, because we were all tired and my dad had too much coffee earlier ~ shocker, and kept talking. I didn't want to say anything, but luckily Barbara told him to shut up. So he quieted up and we all slept for a bit. Then not too long later, Wilma (my dad's cousin) & Pascual came over and we all went out for dinner. It was really nice. Then we got home and Wilma & I went for a swim. It felt so good to get in a pool. Plus my dad has flippers and it makes swimming so much easier, esp. with my leg. The only bummer was that shortly after we got into the pool, we saw a frog in the rocks, and we were to scared to get to close, so we were stuck on the shallow side. Nonetheless, it was a nice swim. This is some lizard type of thing, maybe a chameleon, that was in my dad's pool. Notice the blue tail! We had him take it out before we went swimming.

Saturday morning I went over to my long-time friend Amy's house. She has been in the area for about 6 years, and I have never visited her. She is only 10 minutes from my dad. So I figured better late than never. It was so good to spend time with her. Her family been going through a tough time also this past month. She really helped me to realize that I'm not the only one dealing with tough situations. And I think I helped her realize the same. Life goes on around us whether we want it to or not. It's how we deal with what we get that makes us who we are. I like who I am with her, because I know it's real.

I left Amy's house to go to my Uncle Manuels house. It was really nice to see my family that I haven't seen in such a long time. The last time I saw a few of my cousin's was in 2002. It's crazy how we are all so grown, with our own families. How did we go from young kids to the thirty-something crowd with our own kids? Life has just past us by. Too fast. Here's a pic of my cousins & I - Kenny, Michael, me, Vickie & Chrissy. I wish I had a pic from when we were kids, but I don't think I do.

Riverside Here I Come

2008-06-28T07:02:00.001-07:00

I got a phone call from Robin at Dr. Galani's office. My appointment in Riverside will be July 10th. I'll be admitted that day and should be able to leave July 15th, if all goes well. Both my dad and Sebastian will be coming down to Riverside with me. Guess when we are leaving ~ right after Sebastians sergeant testing! YEAH! He'll be in town for that, I'm sooo glad. I really do hope he makes sergeant. I have a lot of faith in my husband. He's such a good man, how can he not get it. He deserves it.

Last night I went with Reanna and my co-worker Jordan to Valley Med Center. Another co-worker of ours, Carolyn, has been in the hospital since Monday. She has been having severe back pain. She had a surgery 19 years ago, and it's problems have come back. Right now she's not sure what's going to happen, but I really feel for her. I know how hard it can be. Physically & emotionally. Now I know what it's like when people came to visit me in the hospital. It's different being on the other side. I just want to help her and take away her pain, and make her laugh, but laughing just brings her pain. I hope she gets better soon.

MRI & Lab Work Done

2008-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I sent Dr Kwong an email this morning because I really wanted to do my lab work @ Stanford, and my MRI was scheduled for today. He never got a message that he was to order my lab work, so of course he didn't do it. Well, he made it so I can just do it at Kaiser, and they sent it over. It should be on it's way there! I did it right after my MRI. It wasn't bad at all, just a lot louder than the PET scan! Luckier it was a lot faster too. My appt was scheduled for 5:45, but I was out of there by 5:45. Then to come home and get a message that Kaiser forgot to do some blood work! So now I gotta go back. I'm so busy, I don't even have time for that. But I guess I'm gonna have to get up extra early tomorrow and go before work... which is really early. I can't complain, Kaiser has been really good to me. When I find out the results of everything, I'll post here.

After my appointment I went to Linda1's house and hung out with Latina's y Amigas... a group of Latinas (plus Chris, hence the name) that hang out on Thursday nights. Linda1 invited me a while ago and I have been going and having a great time. The women are all so so nice and supportive. Plus it's just nice to get out and have a good time, good drinks, with good food, good drinks and good people. Did I mention drinks? JK. Guess that since I shouldn't be drinking because of my liver, it makes me want to drink, but obviously I don't. I just love the women and the conversations, friendships and everything else. So thanks to all of them: Linda1, Margie, Helen (there are 2 Helen's also, but I don't think we've named them Helen1 & Helen2 yet, have we?) Lucy, Chris, Natalie, Maryann & Carolyn. There are a few others, but I don't remember? Please forgive me and refer to my post mentioning memory loss! HA HA.. got out of that one.

Here's a picture Reanna took a few days ago. We were driving down the street and I saw something on my window out of the corner of my eye. I thought it was bird droppings, then I looked closer and saw it was a yellow jacket. I was going around 45 mph and it was still there, hanging on for dear life. I told Reanna to take a picture with my camera, so she did (and a mighty fine pic that is, in motion and all). Sony. Back to my point - As I thought of the yellow jacket clinging on to my window for life, I thought of the analogy I had to it. That's how I feel, like I'm clinging onto the world for my life. I'm not ready to leave.

Oh yeah, my sis Maria is always asking for a pic of my Mercedes, here's a pic of the drivers door window, interior view, you like? ha ha ha Maybe one day I'll take a picture and post it here for you, ok big sis!

Sergeant Testing

2008-06-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last year there was a posting for a Sergeant position at Sebastians work. I told him about it before they even announced it at work. I told him to put in his application, which he did. He has been a Corrections Officer (CO) for about 6+ years now. He has done his time. I really want for him to go to the next step and be a Sergeant. He has talked about this for a while, and always said he wanted to do his time at both facilities before he puts in his application. Well, the time came and he put it in. Just yesterday he got a letter that the testing is on July 9th. That is two Wednesday's from today. I'm hoping to be in Riverside around that time. He has decided to come to Riverside with my dad & I. But now this totally conflicts. So now I need to talk to him to make sure he is here to take the test. He does not care about it now. But I do. So if you see him or talk to him, make sure you tell him how important this is. I don't care if he just flies home to take the test then flies back to Riverside to be with me. It would be so worth it. Please Sebastian, take the test.

Happy Birthday Emiliano

2008-06-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

On Saturday there was a surprise birthday party for my cousin Emiliano. Rachel (his girlfriend) sent me a message a few months ago to let me know. I had always intended on going, but since last week was not so good I was thinking I was gonna skip it. After I thought about it, I really needed to get out and have some fun. So that I did. Lori called me right as I was gonna get ready, so I told her to come along and bring Bernie too. So we all went and had a good time. I hadn't seen Emiliano since Thanksgiving, so it was nice to get to see him again. Here's a pic of him, me, Bernie & Lori. Oh yeah, and his friends in the back who wanted to be in the pic! I know there were some pics taken of me & Rachel, but I guess they weren't on my camera.. lol.. So Rachel if you read this, send them to me. Happy Birthday cuz, I luv U.

Overwhelming Responses

2008-06-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

I have had an overwhelming amount of emails from friends and family. I don't have time to personally respond to everyone, but I will as time goes by. Right now work is hectic also. I should be part time, but with tons of stuff going on there, I'm putting in 8 hour days and it's not what I had planned. Well, since you put it that way, my life right now is not what I had planned. But whose is? Last year did you ever think that you would have a friend or family member with Stage IV cancer? I know that was the furthest thing from my mind. But now that is reality. Last year I knew nothing about cancer. I knew no one with cancer. And a year later, I know more about cancer than I ever wanted to know. I have learned a about myself also. I am stronger than I imagined I could be. I'm also weaker than I thought. I love more than I thought I could. I work harder than I ever had before. And I forget more. My short term memory is worse than it has ever been. I don't know if its stress, cancer, or mom-nesia. But whatever it is, I hate it. I have to ask 3x, and I still forget the answer! I am also not the only one I know now with cancer. My dad has prostate cancer, as does Linda1's dad, and even my neighbor Carl. Vanessa has brain cancer. I don't normally talk to Vanessa, but it was nice to see her at Reanna's graduation party. I didn't post pics because of course my camera battery was dead. What a good mother I am! Back to Vanessa. She is such an inspiration. I think I have had a hard time, but she has endured so much more than I have. She has been doing chemo for almost a year. She also has gone through radiation. It was good talking to her because we have a lot of the same symptoms, and some we didn't realize were treatment/cancer related. I think of her often. I hope that she is doing good and pray for her daily.

MRI Scheduled

2008-06-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, I now have an appointment for an MRI. June 26 is the lucky day. Now I just gotta get my blood work @ Stanford. Hopefully I can get that done soon.

Let the Calls Begin

2008-06-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

We have had a few days to get acclimated to the news we heard on Tuesday. We are in much better spirits. I know many of you are concerned and have sent me e-mails. Some I have replied to, and many I haven't had time to. I feel we are equipped to start taking phone calls if you would like to call. Please keep in mind we may not be able to answer or return every call. Just keep trying (with a considerable amount of time in between).

I talked to my sister Maria today. For 2 hours. (So keep in mind it can be emotionally draining and I can't take too many calls in one day, especially if I give you that much undivided attention, I still have my family & dogs to deal with at home). I miss her so much. I know I write that all the time. But I truly mean it. I got the sweetest email from her daughter the other evening. She told me how she always looked up to me. Why? I don't know. And after talking to Maria, I realized how much I have always looked up to her. She is so special. And she doesn't even know it, or believe it. But she is. She is embarrassed for me to go to her house. Because it probably won't be as nice as mine. But I don't look at those things. Well, I do.. lol.. but I don't care about those things. She has never had the material things that so many others do. But that does not make her who she is. You don't need the material things to have love in your heart. And her heart is so abundant, and she is so giving and self-less. I remember way back when I had Reanna, 3 weeks early. I hadn't had my baby shower yet, and we had nothing at home. Her & Jerry went shopping before we got home from the hospital and bought me everything Reanna needed, and then some. She was more excited than I was. And she is the same with Tai. She loves that little girl more than life itself. I could go on & on about my sister Maria, and maybe a little later on I will! But I have some things to do. As soon as I hear from Dr. G and get any updates, I'll post it here.

Oh yes, several have mentioned that they have forwarded this. Please feel free to forward this website as you wish. I don't have a lot of peoples e-mails, so I missed a lot of people.

Thank You Everyone

2008-06-19T13:42:00.001-07:00

I just want to say thanks to all my friends and family for all of your support. I really appreciate all of your well wishes and love. Please, please give us some time to get through this. It is very difficult. We are coping, grieving, loving, and still trying to do our normal day to day activities. It's not easy when you are in a good mood and your mind is totally focused on something else (which can be hard to do) and then you are interrupted by a concerning phone call. Please use email or leave a message here, and I will get back to you. In my time. We do appreciate it, but just give us a little bit of time. When we are ready to talk, I will post it here. Then you can call and bug us all you want!!

I know more people are reading here, and I know I have not acknowledged everyone here. I blog when I can, and what's on my mind at the time. That does not mean that I have forgotten you or take my relationships for granted. So here goes a few shout outs: Kathie, thanks for letting me spill everything out to you and you graciously replying with nothing but kindness & love, even when you were busy with your own obstacles. Amy D-S, I know you have taken me to appts too, and had lunch with me many times. I do appreciate you coming out to see me and help me out. Petra, you are such an inspiration. Keep the faith. You are in an uphill battle, and I'll be here whenever you need help climbing. I was touched to see that you were touched by my story. Lori, you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Thanks for hanging out with me last night. I enjoyed it, as usual. Anna, when I told you my prognosis, the first words out of your mouth were "I'll be right there." Although you got lost, because you've only been to my house about 20-30 times, you were there. Thanks for your love & support. I'll post about more friends/family as I can.

I spoke with Dr. Godfrey last night. He thinks the best route right now will be to go down to Riverside and meet with Dr. Galani. He is the best he knows. I have full trust in Dr. Godfrey, and if he trusts Dr. Galani, then so do I. Before I go I need to do some blood work at Stanford & an MRI. I will be in Riverside for 5-7 days, up to 10. My dad, who is my Rock, will be going with me. Sebastian also wants to go, and Lori wants to go visit (she can't stay as long). While in Riverside, I'll be getting Bio-Chemotherapy. I forgot what that consists of, I have the notes at home. But I know it's Chemotherapy & InterluekinII (I don't know the spelling, but it's a cancer drug). I'll correct this info later when I read my notes or remember what it was!

FYI

2008-06-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

Several have asked the severity of Stage IV. I have read a lot about melanoma in the past year, so I'm pretty familar with the stages, but obviously not everyone has to read about it! There are only 4 stages to cancer, there is no Stage 5. For skin cancer, Stage IV is when it spreads to the internal organs. Since last year I have been Stage IIIC. I have been praying that it does not go to Stage IV, and unfortunately it has. To read more about staging, you can go here: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_4_3X_How_is_melanoma_staged_50.asp

Stage IV

2008-06-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

So Sebastian & I went to see Dr. Fisch today. The cancer has spread to another lymph node which is much deeper than the original lymph nodes that were removed. It has also spread to my liver. I am now considered Stage IV melanoma. I was sad & crying when he told me, and I knew in the back of my head it was stage IV, but I just had to clarify. So I asked him, and as soon as he said "Yes" I lost it. I could no longer hold it in. Sebastian was there with me and he was also visibly upset. Right when we got out of the building I let out one big wail. Then contained myself again. I'm sad.

No Phone Results

2008-06-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

So first thing when I woke up I called Dr. Fisch. He left a message last night that he's in @ 6:30 am, so I called him around 7:15 am. He told me he has the results of my PET scan and he won't tell me over the phone. I have an appt to see him @ 11:00 today. Wish me luck.

I'm a Gold Member

2008-06-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

I went for my PET scan today. Sebastian picked me up from work and took me. I was sooo hungry. The last time I ate was the night before, and I couldn't eat/drink before my appointment. But I managed. Anywho - as the man nurse took me back, he saw on my chart that I had just been in March (I thought it was more recent, but I guess he would know) and asked if this was my second PET scan. I informed him it was my 3rd, not 2nd. So he said "So you're a Gold Member then. Next time you'll be Platinum, and after that you just stay Platinum." Just a little something I thought I'd share. Anyway, I had to do the normal. They checked my blood sugar level (84), injected the radioactive dye and then made me rest for 45 minutes. Then I had to unload my bladder and do the PET scan. That was about another 45 minutes. When we were leaving we ran into Dr. Fisch, and he said he'd call me today. Which he did, but I wasn't home. So I gotta call him in the morning. Right after we ran into him Sab took me to grab a quick sandwich @ Quizno's then I went back to work. I hope I don't have to have another surgery yet!

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I wanted to post this yesterday, but I was too tired. Yesterday was fathers day and I got tickets to see the Giants vs. A's ~ Battle of the Bay. It was great (although Giants lost 3 - 5). Reanna wanted to spend time with her brothers & sisters, so she didn't come with us. As always, Serenity was more than happy to join us! It was Sab, me, Paige & Serenity. I wanted to surprise Sebastian on Father's day of the tickets, but dummy me put his card on the microwave Friday night. I didn't want to forget where I put it, so I thought I'd put it where I knew he would find it. So he comes home from work Friday night, and I'm thinking he's making his dinner. He comes in the living room with this huge grin and says "Thank you." Great, he opened his card with the tickets inside. Oh well, what can I do. At least he's happy we're going to the game. So on Sunday morning we packed up and went to the game. We had club level seats, so it was great, and of course I made sure they were in the shade. Gotta think of those things now. After the game I called my dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Over all, it was a really nice day!

More Not So Good News

2008-06-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I stayed home on Wednesday because my dad came down for Reanna's graduation. I got a call from Dr Fisch, my radiologist, to come in for the next appointment, Thursday morning. Then about 2 hours later I got a call from Dr Kwong about the Temador. He was asking if I was interested as right now there are not very many cases where it's used for skin cancer. I'm in. It can't hurt, can it? So I made an appointment to go in on Thursday afternoon.
Thursday morning I went to see Dr Fisch. They went over a few items I'll need (aloe vera, lotions, cleansers, etc) and some of the side effects. Then they had to make a stabilizer so that I'm in the same position all the time. They used the CT scan for that also, to make sure I was lined up properly. I left with my next appointment, which is Tuesday June 17, 1:30pm. I think I start radiation that day.
After my appt, my dad & I went to breakfast at Bill of Fare. I love that place. They are so fast! I had banana pancakes and my dad had a waffle. I don't really care for pancakes, that was the first time in my life that I ordered them for breakfast. But my daughter loves to make them, so I have been eating them when she makes them, now they are growing on me.
So I get home, and my dad leaves to go back home. Right after he leaves, I get a call from Dr. Fisch that the CT scan has some suspicious stuff and that he wants me to have a PET scan before I start radiation. Great. One more obstacle.
So I go to my appt with Dr Kwong. I'll be taking 140 mgs of Temador while I do radiation. But he doesn't prescribe them just yet because he is waiting too to see my PET scan.
Right when I think things are coming around finally, there is another set back. CANCER SUCKS.

Reanna Graduates

2008-06-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Reanna & Me

Reanna, grandpa & Me

Sab, Paige, Reanna & Me

Reanna with her Tia Roxanna & Tia Reyna

My baby girl graduated! I'm sooooo proud of her. She looked so beautiful. It was at the Rose Garden. Me, Sebastian, Paige & my dad went. Reanna's aunt's Reyna & Roxanna went, and so did her grandmother & her uncle Raul. I will post pics as soon as I download them to my computer!

Radiation and Chemo

2008-06-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dr. Godfrey and I have been playing phone tag all week. I finally got ahold of him Friday evening. We arranged a meeting at his Fremont office Saturday morning. I met with him so that he can see me before his vacation. He looked at the melanoma on my leg once again, and even took a few more pictures. He did a lot of thinking about what the next step will be. For now it's going to be radiation as planned, but while I'm doing radiation I will be taking chemo pills called Thermador. (don't know if that's the correct spelling). In the midst of it all I forgot to ask what the side effects to the Thermador are. I'll have to remember to ask that next time. He was considering having me go to UCSF to get hyper-thermia, but he said he is going to hold off on that for now, but it's still possible he may send me there in the future. Hyper-thermia is a warming of the area. I don't know how, etc. but that's how he explained it. So now, I'm in Dr. Fisch's hands for radiation. I really like Dr. Godfrey, he is soooo kind and he is always willing to meet with his patients, even on his days off! Who takes time on Saturday to meet his patients? This is the second time he has come in on his day off to meet with me. I like to know that I'm being taken care of by doctors who really care for their patients.

Brag Time

2008-06-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

So my baby is growing up. May 31 was her prom. She looked so beautiful. She had a good time and stayed safe! I just have to post pictures of her and her boyfriend Ben. Enjoy.

Local Chemo (Arterial Infusion)

2008-05-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

So I went to Hayward on Friday to have the local chemo treatment done. I had to go to admitting first (I normally do this a few days beforehand) because it was out of town. Then to the waiting room. The nurse called me after a while and took me back. She prepped me, and then Dr. Godfrey came in around 10am - the time it was to start. He said the other dr to be assisting was held up, so it might be a while. I then showed Dr. Godfrey another black mark that is about 1" from my most recent surgery. After checking it out, he said I may have to have another surgery before radiation. ANOTHER SURGERY?? I don't know how much of this I can handle. Let me just get through one thing at a time. So anyway, he finished up with me and not too long after Dr. Dybbro came through and talked to me also. I asked him a few questions about the procedure, and was so cute - he said, I'm just "The Plumber." I had to lol.. he was the one whe was inserting the tubes, but Dr Godfrey was actually administering the chemo. Anyway, not to long later they wheeled me over to the OR and it was soon underway. Everyone in there was just fabulous. All of the nurses and assistants were great. I was so happy because I was having a bad hair day, and they put a blue hair net on me too! So what'd they do to me? Well, it's hard for me to explain it, but I'll try. Dr. Dybbro went in thru my right leg to get to the left one. Dr. Godfrey wrapped a warm "blanket" around my lower left leg (knee down) to stop the blood from flowing. They wanted to keep the chemo confined to my upper left leg. Then they had some filter system (I could not see anything) to filter the chemo through at the highest possible dose. This took about 2 hours or so, but it seemed about 5 - 10 minutes on my end! Anyway, after the procedure I went to a recovery room. I was there a few hours, then they let me go home. I went home & went to bed. Couldn't do much else. Saturday, I was sick sick sick. I couldn't even hold water down. Linda came by for a bit with Joanne & Jasmine, and they gave Reanna a ride to work. Lori also came by for a bit. And Felecia was there with me all day too. Everyone helped me out a lot. On Sunday, I still wasn't feeling well. I rested all day, but I was able to drink a little bit of juice. Yeah.... First thing down since Thursday! I even ate a piece of pizza for dinner. I was shocked I held it down. But I figured if I gotta taste it 2x, it might as well be something good! So here it is Monday, Memorial Day. And I'm feeling ok. Still not 100%, but I'll be there soon.