Memorial Day

Memorial Day and Veterans Day are my two favorite holidays, holidays that I have always pretty much enjoyed alone. My wife and the girls favorites are Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Halloween, etc.

These two holidays are my favorites, because twice a year I could sit back and reflect on how grateful I am for all of the freedoms we have in this country that we take for granted. I also like to think about all of the men and women that have at one point in their lives donned fatigues and served this great country. I don't think as Americans we are able to grasp what a sacrifice it is to be in the military, unless you have actually served yourself. I am very grateful that I was able to be in the Air Force for four years.

Linda always understood my deep devotion to those that served our country. To some, me celebrating these two holidays as hollowed days may seem strange. My Linda knew me so well and always supported me and encouraged me in my beliefs.

So today is a little different on Memorial Day. I will go to a service at Oak Hill Cemetery to Honor our soldiers that have paid the ultimate price for our freedom. I will also be honoring my beautiful wife, and cherishing the love that she lavished on me these last ten years.

Please pray for our soldiers still in harms way overseas.

Thinking of Linda

I went back to work last Wednesday. I felt ready to be at work. My co-workers from the Chief on down were very supportive and helped put me at ease. I was exhausted by the fourth day which was Saturday. That morning while driving to work I had to fight not break down and start crying. I know it is alright to cry, but once I get started it is hard to stop and I can not be crying at work. I was so glad that my first week back at work was behind me.

Last night on Monday I had a voicemail on the home phone from Linda's father John. It was late so I waited until today to call him. It was great talking to him. He mentioned the "Making Everlasting Memories" web site that the funeral home made for Linda. I looked up the web site today and it was so beautiful, it brought me to tears. Paige heard me crying at the computer and was a little concerned. I told her that I was fine I was just so impressed with the website.

I encourage anyone that follows Linda's blog to check out this website. Just type in Making Everlasting Memories and then a place will pop up where you can type in Linda's name.

Before I end this I would like to thank everyone for their support and prayers. I would also like to post that we were able to find the necklace of Linda's that Reanna was looking for. I know that she is truly happy.

A week without Linda

It has been one week since our beloved Linda was laid to rest. Even now at times it does not feel real. I think that this is just a bad dream, and that when I wake up she will be back with us. But I know in my heart that she is gone, and that is when the pain and loneliness sets in.

I try and keep busy and stay focused on being strong for Reanna and Paige. I draw my strength from my family and friends. They have helped me all along, especially this past week. I am trying to be more active in the girls lives, and be the parent that Linda always tried to help me become.

Reanna is a very strong girl, just like her mother. She appears to be alright and also tries to stay busy. She spends time with her boyfriend Ben and also with her little sisters. I know that she will be starting work sometime soon at Great America. Please continue to pray for her.

Two days ago Reanna and I started going through Linda's belongings in our room. Linda wanted Reanna to have any of her personal property that she wanted. Reanna was unable to find a replica Tiffany necklace that she had given Linda as a gift. The last time any of us had seen it was a few weeks ago near our television in the room. She looked and looked and was unable to find it. She did not tell me, but I know she was very upset. I told her I would continue to look around in my drawers, hoping to find it. She said that she would continue to look in her room. I just hope that while Linda was conscious, she told a friend or family member visiting to put it in a safe place in our room, and that I will be able to locate it and give it to Reanna.

Life is not the same without Linda. We miss her so much.

My Linda was laid to rest yesterday. Everything turned out beautifully. Linda's spirit was present and gave us the strength to get through the day.

The service Friday night was informal. Pastor Greenlee started out with a few words of encouragement. His daughter Stephanie then sang Amazing Grace and moved everyone to tears, it was so beautiful. I then spoke and few words and then invited anyone in the audience to share any special stories or memories of Linda. I was so encouraged while looking out into the audience, the chapel was packed. I know Linda was smiling down and encouraged as well. Several people shared touching memories about Linda. I then spoke again about Linda's great faith and what a loving wife she was. My co-worker and friend Terry Foskey then finished the evening with final words of encouragement and a prayer.

The Saturday service and burial was more formal, but just as beautiful. The pastor gave a beautiful sermon and then invited the immediate family to say any closing remarks. Linda's sister Lisa and mother Teresa said a few words from the heart. I then spoke about what a wonderful mother Linda has been to Reanna and how proud Linda and I are of her.

Linda's cousins Michael, Frank, and Brian were Pallbearers along with myself and my friend Joe. Linda's nephew Michael rounded out the team because I know he will always have a special place in his auntie Linda's heart. I also chose her nephew because he is a true American hero that has given so much to this great country while serving in the military.

We then escorted Linda to her final resting place. Her plot was a final gift to Linda from my stepfather Tony. He loved Linda tremendously and lavished many gifts on her while she was living. The pastor said final words and then Linda's sister Anna's friend Anthony sang two beautiful songs. We lowered my Linda to rest.

After the services we went to the Los Gatos Hills for a gathering/celebration to honor Linda's memory. The beautiful house was provided by Reanna's aunt Reyna and her husband Jay. Everything was so peaceful and the scenery was majestic. I lost my breath when I first walked into their backyard and beheld the splendor of the view. I know my Linda was smiling down on us, and me in particular because I stress so much, and she was once again letting me know that everything was alright, that I did not have to stress at all, because God and her were going to make sure that every detail was perfect. And it was.

Trying to get through the day

Today will be a very hard day. Today we begin to lay to rest our beloved Linda. I have not seen my beautiful wife since she was picked up from our home on Monday. I hope I do not fail her. Please continue to pray for our family that we may have the strength today and tomorrow to make Linda proud.

The gathering/pot luck after the service on Saturday will be held at the following address. 23457 Summit Rd. Los Gatos, Ca 95033

Services days and times

Reanna, Teresa and I thank everyone for all the phone calls and offers to help in any way. Even though we have not taken many people up on these generous offers, just knowing that people love Linda so much, and care about our well being as well, is a great help in this trying time.

I am posting the details for Linda's service. On Friday 03/13/09 from 10a.m. to 6 p.m. will be a viewing at Oak Hill cemetery. From 7p.m. to 9p.m. on Friday a service will be help in Chapel of the Oaks. On Saturday 03/14/09 at 1 p.m. will be a service with burial to follow about 2:30 p.m. A pot luck get together will be held shortly thereafter in Los Gatos Hills.

I will update tomorrow with more details about the pot luck or you can call the house to ask what dishes are needed.

No more pain for Linda

My beautiful wife is now at rest.

Keeping vigil

Each day Linda's parents, Reanna and I keep watch over our precious Linda. Linda's sisters Anna and Lisa and Linda's friend Lorie also stop by and visit with Linda daily. We start early in the morning and end really late at night. I then wake up with her about every two hours through the night. We all are tired, but I know there is no other place any of us would want to be.

My cousin Sophia has also been stopping by each evening to see Linda, as well as be someone that I can lean on in this difficult time. We spend each evening sitting on my cot next to Linda's hospital bed, watching t.v. and talking quietly, with Linda constantly on our minds and hearts. This has been a blessing. I do not think I would have been able to hold it together so far without her.

Our main concern is keeping Linda comfortable and out of pain. This has been a struggle the last couple of days. Yesterday her nurse Angela increased the morphine patches, but it still took about 12 hours before Linda appeared comfortable.

Feeling Guilty

My Linda has not been able to speak with us since the last post. This gives us so much time to sit near her and reflect. I try to focus on the positive, such as the many fond memories I have of her. But my mind keeps going back to somehow this is my fault. I blame myself for what has happened to Linda.

I try and think rationally and tell myself that cancer just happens, even to good people like Linda. But I feel that it should have been me, not her. Linda is the one with the pure heart. Linda is the one that does not judge people, but accepts them as they are. Linda is the one that always looks at the bright side and believes in the good of humanity. I am so negative. My wife's light has always been able to outshine my negativity. Even now with my wife in this condition, she is still the most beautiful, positive force I have ever come across.

Final gifts from Linda

Yesterday was really hard. Linda was asleep and unresponsive most of the day. Her brother Raymond had arrived from Arizona. It took him 30 hours to get here. His car broke down in Los Angeles, and he had to stay in a run down motel, on the wrong side of town, until his car could be fixed the next day. Her brother finally makes it her safely, and Linda is so out of it that she does not recognize him. Raymond and I and Linda's parents sat in the room for hours, hoping she would wake up. Around 7:30 p.m. Linda's brother and father left for the evening.

I kept thinking for hours that Linda would be out of it like this until we lose her. The Hospice people told us that this day would come. I just wasnt prepared, eventhough we had been told. Later that evening her sisters, Anna and Lisa returned. They were in the room along with me and Linda's mother. All of us were down because we realized that we may not get another chance to tell Linda that we love her, or see her smile again.

About an hour later we all drifted to different parts of the house. I was in the kitchen on the computer. I was reading the comments posted from the first time that I blogged. I started crying because I could feel the love pour through the monitor. My Beautiful Linda touched so many lives through her blog. I guess that is why she insisted on me learning how to blog. From day one of dating Linda, all through our marriage, and even now my wife is teaching me, in her gentle and patient way. Linda's mother went back into the room for something. I could hear Linda moaning. I went to the bedroom and saw that she looked awake. I stood next to her and told her that I was on the computer reading the comments about her blog. A big smile appeared and she said, "See baby, I told you." I started crying and kissing her forhead, cheeks and mouth. I ran to the living room and told her sisters that she was awake. We all ran to the bedroom and spent the next 20 minutes or so laughing and telling her that we loved her, her doing the same. We then let her go back to sleep.

I know we do not have as much time left with Linda as we would like. But I am grateful for these final gifts from my Linda.

Taken a turn for the worst

This is Linda's husband Sebastian updating her blog. My beautiful wife has taken a turn for the worst. She no longer has the strength to do this herself. On 02/26/09 the open wounds on Linda's upper left thigh began to bleed profusely, she was also in so much pain that all the medications had no effect. The hospice nurses told us to give her pain meds as well as anxiety pills every two hours until the pain subsided. The pain lasted the rest of the day and all night long with no relief from the pain meds. The next morning Linda wanted her parents, sisters, and Reanna and I in the room, she felt that she would be leaving us that day. It is now two days later and Linda is still fighting to be with us. Lots of friends and family members have been stopping by and calling to keep her spirits upbeat. Linda's parents and sisters have been helping Linda, Reanna and I get through this, we could not do it alone. We apologize for not answering any emails, but we do not have the time right now. This is my first post, it may take a few tries to get this down. I will update this daily with news of how Linda is doing.

How Could I Forget This?

OK, for those of you that know me, I mean really know me, know that I'm an addict. I'm an addict to these little containers that contain what many of us call sparkle crack. Yes, you got it. I have been addicted for about 5 years are so. So what exactly is this "sparkle crack?" you may ask. It is a container that contains several grams of glitter, glimmer, glimpses, sparkles, just about anything you can think of that covers your face with makeup. I first got addicted by a dear friend name Sonja about 10 years ago when she worked for the company selling me just on their 18-scented body lotion, and then she would stick in a pot or two of the make-up in there with it. After Sonja moved out of town, something got me into the makeup and I was instantly addicted. After learning more about the makeup, and finding online chat-rooms with ladies worse off then me, I became obsessed. I started to buy as much of it as I could. Then I started showing up at the mall when they would have specials, started getting makeovers, etc. Oh, then when I found out there was a customer cruise - I was there! I met a lot of cool ladies and kept in contact! Then just last year there was a weekend trip to New Orleans, LA that I could not miss. I of course made Sebastian come with me. We had a good time, if you scroll down to about April or so of 08 (I forget when) you made read about it. Anyway, point is I still chat with some of the wonderful ladies that I met last year and they were so kind. They put a call into CEO of the company, and she was so kind enough to call me at home! I was so excited to get a personal phone call from her. Thanks from all the wonderful girls that I met that have always been so kind to me! I must say, I am just so bummed that unfortunately that day was a bad day for me so I could not say much. But thanks to Leslie for the call and all of the BEautiful Addicts!

The Holiday Weekend is Over

It has kinda been one busy week. I have had a few more friends and family over than normal. I think it has been because a lot of people have been home for the holiday. I guess that's a good thing! It's been nice having a steady stream of people. I've also been been getting a good amount of time for sleep. Which has shockingly come in really handy. The extra sleep has been really helpful.

And I'm really appreciating hanging out with my friends more & more. What I like is that every one is stopping by for a variety of reasons. I want you to come by for what you want, first and foremost. Some just want to come and chat and say hi and keep the conversation's lighthearted. Others want to come and get a little more emotional and mourn a bit. Me, I'm here for you for all of that, o.k. You just come and be who you want to be, and I'll just be the same ol' me that I've always been, o.k. Or at least I'll try to be. But as for now, it's been a long day and I do need to get some zzzzzzzzz's.

Over a Year in the Works and I Missed It

The Celine Dion concert was over a year in the works, and I was unable to attend. As thousands got up and out of the house last night and attended yet another one of her sold out shows, I was home in bed doing absolutely nothing. It's not like she's my absolutely favorite artists, but she is someone who I have always wanted to see in concert. Oh well, just one more thing I'll miss.

I must stay that recently one of the most annoying things is not being able to find things on my own. I know where just about everything is, but I don't have the time, strength or energy to give the EXACT location. As much as direction as I give friends & family to find it, they still can't find it. I can't explain how frustrating that is. I also hate being bed-ridden. I wish that I could at least walk around my house just one time. I have no clue what the rest of my house looks like right now. I don't know if it's clean, dirty, filled with dog hair? Well, that I'd probably say yes :)

My pain is getting better. It's still up & down, but for the most part its down. That is a really good for now. I hope everyone has a good remaining of the weekend!

Who Knows?

Who knows how much time I have left? No one really. It could be a few days, a few weeks, a few months? But right now the pain in my body is so bad I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I wake up several times through out the night full of pain, begging and begging for some more pain meds. They just started me on the patches a few days ago, and upped the oxy-contin among some other pain meds that Sebastian and my mom have been managing. I haven't even been staying on top of them that's how out of it I've been. My food intake is also very mininal. I'm lucky if I get 3 bites of cereal. My mouth & lips are always dry and I have to force liquids. Everything going down my throat is painful.

I still read all my messages, but seriously I read them less and less, and obviously respond lesser. I hope all is doing well and please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.

Land's End's SPF Clothing

I received a message from Land's End's that they would like to offer me and those who I come in contact with a discount on their new line of clothing that protects your skin while in the sun. The name of the line is Sun.Life and I thought you might be interested in the great deal below, which can also be used for this new line of sun protecting clothing. I wanted to be sure you were the first to know about Lands’ End 20 percent off promotion this Sunday and Monday. For two days only, Lands’ End will offer 20 percent off all merchandise (excluding overstocks, shipping and services). Simply enter the promo code and pin number below at checkout on www.LandsEnd.com and you will get 20 percent off your entire order. Promo code is AMERICA Pin number is 6289 (Starts 12:01 am Sunday, Feb 15th - Ends 11:59 pm Monday, Feb 16th) Please feel free to share this with your community. If you have any questions or feedback, please do not hesitate to contact me. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day. Mine was good. Yesterday Sebastian went back to work, and I was shocked at how good my day went. In the morning I had a visitor or two, and then a social worker from Kaiser came by to meet with the family and make sure that everything is going on track for the family, physically, emotionally, etc. I think they are really helping out alot. Then I had a another visitor or so and then my nurse. So it really was a nice quiet day and I was really glad. Then all of a sudden, 5pm come along and I'm not feeling good at all. I'm in extreme pain and it won't stop. Sebastian came home and gave me some more pain meds, but those took a while to kick in. By bedtime I was good. Then I woke up this morning to get a nice gift from my beautiful daughter Reanna :) I felt so bad, this was the first year ever I did not get her a valentine gift. I don't know how I forgot to ask someone here to do that for me. I'm starting to believe what others are telling me of how good a job I did. I still have some doubts, who wouldn't, but things like this make me believe she will be o.k. Today I had a visitor or two also, and at one point I was reading a card that my cousin Tina gave me, and it was a big blur. I was getting scared and then starting looking at both Tina and her husband Josh and they were both getting blurry. That had never happened so we called the nurse and she came by the house about an hour later. She spoke with the dr and they are not sure what the problem is yet, but if it happens again to call, that it is normal for those who have brain metastasis and they will give me a medication to help it. Hopefully that is all the bad that happens to me tonight and I hope I have a nice peaceful sleep!

No Weekend Getaway Needed

As much as I'd like to get a way for a few days on our anniversary, this year was perfect staying home (as if I had a choice?? ha ha). But seriously, it was a really nice day today. I knew I was going to have a lot going on around the house, so I tried to mentally & physically prepare for it, and it went pretty smooth. I was able to fit everything in and not be too exhausted. Actually, I must say my mom probably did most of that, keeping a schedule of whose coming & going when.

But as I sit here and think about my day, I know that wedding anniversary's are mostly for a husband/wife, at least the way Sab & I celebrate it. Well, today it seemed a lot more than that. I feel like we included a lot of our most treasured friends & family too. To start off breakfast, my wonderful husband brought me a bowl of cereal (I can only eat 3 bites anyway, so that is my breakfast of choice nowadays) and some coffee. Then while Sebastian was doing stuff, my mom helped the nurse give me a bath and clean up my room, etc. Since my dad happened to be in town, he would stop by and check up on me all day making sure I had enough of everything, and then some. And while Reanna had a day off, she made mini cup cakes and then a huge cake shaped like a cup cake :) She is so cute. Later on that night Paige came over to stay a few days with us, so that is always nice. So this wasn't our typical anniversary, but I don't know if we can ever top it. There is nothing better than spending time with family.

Happy Anniversary to my One and Only

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary to Sebastian. He is the love of my life. From the first second I saw him, I knew he was the one for me, and never second guessed. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was not perfect, but I don't know how you can get any closer to perfect than what we have. He is the most amazing husband anyone can ask for. He has always done so much for me, things I don't even ask for. If I'm tired and want to sleep in a bit on a weekday, he would get the girls up and get their lunches ready and take them to school for me. Then while at work he would grocery shop, buy household stuff as well, clean up and make dinner too. I never have to go to the bank to get money, every few mornings it's just re-filled for me, as well as my gas tank! Same with all my car work, he'll take it for a day and get it cleaned, tuned-up, the works. He does so much for Paige and Reanna all the time too. He is always there for them when they need him. As much as I'd like to say more, he doesn't know what I'm doing and is making me log off so that I get some sleep :) I'll try to finish tomorrow :)

Ha Ha, I'm back, he's vacuuming while I blog right now. What more can I ask for. He just made a pot of coffee, so I know he'll be back with a cup for me and then something for breakfast as well. He has always spoiled me more than I deserve.

This Anniversary is different though. Unfortunately we won't be on a weekend getaway to Santa Barbara, Napa or anywhere else we like to visit. Late last year we even started to make plans with the Applebaums to do a weekend cruise getaway to Mexico. Sab & I were kinda up and down because we really didn't know what my health would be like, but I guess I'm glad we didn't book the flight, or even get our passports for that matter. Yep, I do not own a passport. I've never left the US (except for Mexico & Canada when you didn't need them). Because I'll be here, at our house, just celebrating it together, well and with friends and family.

Some of my friends/family love Sebastian, some - not so much. But you know what. I love him with all of my heart. I love all of his good qualities, and all of his bad. His bad qualities take me a bit longer, but eventually I get there. For one instance, he hates when we leave the front door unlocked. He gets furious everytime. Now, I'm used to it, and so are the girls. After several years of training - 95% of the time they remember to lock the front doors. What can be so bad about that. So whether you choose to love him or hate him, I don't care. He's mine for life and that's what matters to me. I love you SEBASTIAN!

Never Gonna Know

From day to day I never know what my day is going to be like. Tuesday I had a really bad day. So Tuesday night I came online and asked a few friends to come over and cheer me up on Wednesday, if possible. And yep, Wednesday was a better day. I think I was able to hold my food down all day! And I had a good amount of company too :) But then I woke up this morning and right as I woke up I knew it was not going to be good. It just got worse from there. The good thing was that one of my nurses Dolores, came over and gave me a bath, and I even got out of bed for a few minutes too, although that was very difficult. I wasn't sure if I'd ever try that again, and I did, and yeah, it probably was my last time this time. Anyway, she washed me, changed my sheets and was going to give me a little massage, but because of the pain of getting up, I'll save that for next time.

Throughout the rest of the day I just stayed on pain meds and napped. I had a few visitors, but had to turn most of them away. I'm feeling o.k. now, I hope I don't have to turn down any visitors tomorrow. I know how hard it is for people to adjust their schedules for work, kids, etc and I really appreciate everyone doing that to visit.

I have been receiving tons of feedback, and once again - thanks to all. I would love to reply to everyone, but time does not permit. So thanks to the ones on the top of my head, Anna Hogan, Rick, Marilyn, Kathie and many many others. Your words are so kind and informative. I hold them near and dear to my heart.