Friday, March 6, 2009

Feeling Guilty

My Linda has not been able to speak with us since the last post. This gives us so much time to sit near her and reflect. I try to focus on the positive, such as the many fond memories I have of her. But my mind keeps going back to somehow this is my fault. I blame myself for what has happened to Linda.

I try and think rationally and tell myself that cancer just happens, even to good people like Linda. But I feel that it should have been me, not her. Linda is the one with the pure heart. Linda is the one that does not judge people, but accepts them as they are. Linda is the one that always looks at the bright side and believes in the good of humanity. I am so negative. My wife's light has always been able to outshine my negativity. Even now with my wife in this condition, she is still the most beautiful, positive force I have ever come across.

14 comments:

Robin Strumlauf said...

OH Sabastian - I wish I had met you more than a few minutes in New Orleans with the BE Group. What I met, saw, and heard about you was wonderful. I wish I could do this in person ... but this one is for you {{{{{HUGS}}}}} please share with Linda if you want too. You know it is not your fault. Take a deep breath and do everything you can to get those thoughts out of your head.

Anonymous said...

Sabastin, Linda loves you very much and would never wish it was you instead.She is very lucky to have you in her life. And we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being there for her.There is a special place for people like you. Love,Maria

Sara said...

I have been reading this blog for some time...my heart is breaking for you and your family, but I am amazed at the love that you and your wife express for one another. She has given you, your children, your family, friends and even those of us in blog land, a part of herself and her gift. Take it and run with it. We all will. She is brave and you are brave. And worthy.

Anonymous said...

Your feelings are normal; but know your wife loves you and would never, ever blame you for what has happened to her. You are doing everything you can, and your love and devotion is evident to all who read your/your wife's blog. You are in my prayers and thoughts. You have a beautiful heart, and Linda was lucky to share it with you.
Karen T.

TEAM HOGAN said...

Sabastian,

I understand your feeling of guilt. But dont let it wear you down. I was the wife who got my husband to dress nicer, cut his hair, brush his teeth more, etc but after all of that I couldnt get him to visit the dermatologist more than once during our whole 7.5 yr relationship.....trust me, I think about that everyday. Wondering if I failed him. Wondering if I could have saved his life because melanoma was a 'taboo' subject in our house from his original Stage 0 mole in 1997.

We both need to focus on the fact that nothing is our faults and that the better person in our marriage is the one leaving us/left us. I too think that my husband Brian was a better person but all I can do is try to emulate his positive spirit in my day to day life.

8 mo ago today he left me. Whatever I can do to help you though this time in your life, please ask me, I have been there....

Much love
Anna Hogan
Mission Viejo, CA

M. Tietgens said...

Sebastian,

Linda's love has brought out the very best in you. Your words reflect a depth that echos from your soul and you and she are still teaching all of us about the power of love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts .... you are in our prayers.

Always, Marilyn Tietgens and Family

Trish said...

Sebastian--you know Linda loves you. You also know you would never want her to be in the position you're in right now.

Hug the people you're with. Tell Linda how much you love her. Tell her it is okay to go, when you're ready. You'll never be "ready" but, you know when it is time.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. It will get you through all this.

NL said...

Sebastin, I am a stranger to this blog via Anna Hogan and Jackie Bartak's blogs. I have been following your blog for only a week or so. Although, thankfully, I have not lost a spouse, I was the primary caregiver to both of my parents (divorced) through their cancer. I truly believe that those left behind are destined to continue the legacy of those who leave us. Those who leave us have taught us, and I believe their leaving is a lesson for us..to carry on their goodness in our works. Linda is in your soul. As you live, Linda's goodness will shine through you. Enjoy these last day with her and tell her she will always live in your heart. (Which I'm sure you have!) Nancy Leonard

Linda Applebaum said...

Sebastian I know every single person reading this can feel the love you have for Linda and feel the pain your in. Please take these last moments you have and tell her in her ear how beautiful she is and how much you love her and when you feel it in your heart do tell her it's ok to go.
We are here if you need anything
Joe & Linda

Nancy K said...

Hugs to you Sebastian. She loves you so much ! She always said you are the best husband a gal could ever have. I know she is grateful for all the time you've had together, my hubby is negative too and always says I make him a better person. You are a wonderful person!
{{{hugs}}}

RAYMOND said...

SEBASTIAN.

SPENDING THIS WEEK AT YOUR HOUSE WITH LINDA, DAD, TERESA, AND THE MANY FAMILY MEMBERS THAT CAME BY TO VISIT, SHOWED ME JUST HOW MUCH LINDA IS LOVED, NOW AND FOR EVER, I KNOW EACH DAY RIGHT NOW IS A STRUGGLE, LINDA IS THE YOUNGEST OF HER SIBLINGS, BUT HAS TAUGHT US MORE ABOUT LOVING EACH OTHER THIS PAST WEEK, THAN WE COULD HAVE LEARNED IN OUR LIVES. WE ALL LOVE HER, SHE HAS LED A GOOD LIFE, SHE HAS TAKEN A PIECE OF MY HEART AWAY, THAT I DID NOT KNOW I HAD, THANKS FOR BEING HER BEST FRIEND AND HER HUSBAND, I KNOW SHE LOVES YOU WITH ALL OF HER HEART.

SINCERELY

YOUR BROTHER IN LAW

RAYMOND CORDERO

Patty Phillips (PEP) said...

Sebastian, I'm one of the many friends loving your family and praying for you from BE Addicts. Please, please, know that it's obvious how much you and Linda love each other. Don't beat yourself up--this "guilt" feeling is part of the suffering we go through with deep pain like this. Linda's spirit shines through, and in your taking over the posts, you're sharing that blessing with all of us.

Nancy said...

Sabastian,
I know how hard this all must be for you. My heart goes out to you and your family. I was Linda's partner in crime in the New Orleans police car. In fact, I was the cause. I spent a little time with Linda in NOLA and she is one of the sweetest people I ever met. I wish I had the privilege to have met you as well.
I am a cancer survivor myself and I saw what it all did to my family. I can hardly imagine how difficult this all is for you.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Just know that Linda loves you dearly and you have been her best medicine.
I will hold you in my heart and my prayers.
HooT/aka Nancy
from Be Beautiful Cafe forum

Anonymous said...

DEAREST NEPHEW SABBY, U KNOW U CAN FEEL ANY WAY U WANT, BUT DEEP IN LINDAS HEART SHE WOULD NOT WANT THAT. DONT MISUNDERSTAND ME CUZ U HAVE THAT OPTION 2 FEEL HOW U WANT. THINKING OF U & FAMILY TIA NORMA