Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thinking of Linda

I went back to work last Wednesday. I felt ready to be at work. My co-workers from the Chief on down were very supportive and helped put me at ease. I was exhausted by the fourth day which was Saturday. That morning while driving to work I had to fight not break down and start crying. I know it is alright to cry, but once I get started it is hard to stop and I can not be crying at work. I was so glad that my first week back at work was behind me.

Last night on Monday I had a voicemail on the home phone from Linda's father John. It was late so I waited until today to call him. It was great talking to him. He mentioned the "Making Everlasting Memories" web site that the funeral home made for Linda. I looked up the web site today and it was so beautiful, it brought me to tears. Paige heard me crying at the computer and was a little concerned. I told her that I was fine I was just so impressed with the website.

I encourage anyone that follows Linda's blog to check out this website. Just type in Making Everlasting Memories and then a place will pop up where you can type in Linda's name.

Before I end this I would like to thank everyone for their support and prayers. I would also like to post that we were able to find the necklace of Linda's that Reanna was looking for. I know that she is truly happy.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A week without Linda

It has been one week since our beloved Linda was laid to rest. Even now at times it does not feel real. I think that this is just a bad dream, and that when I wake up she will be back with us. But I know in my heart that she is gone, and that is when the pain and loneliness sets in.

I try and keep busy and stay focused on being strong for Reanna and Paige. I draw my strength from my family and friends. They have helped me all along, especially this past week. I am trying to be more active in the girls lives, and be the parent that Linda always tried to help me become.

Reanna is a very strong girl, just like her mother. She appears to be alright and also tries to stay busy. She spends time with her boyfriend Ben and also with her little sisters. I know that she will be starting work sometime soon at Great America. Please continue to pray for her.

Two days ago Reanna and I started going through Linda's belongings in our room. Linda wanted Reanna to have any of her personal property that she wanted. Reanna was unable to find a replica Tiffany necklace that she had given Linda as a gift. The last time any of us had seen it was a few weeks ago near our television in the room. She looked and looked and was unable to find it. She did not tell me, but I know she was very upset. I told her I would continue to look around in my drawers, hoping to find it. She said that she would continue to look in her room. I just hope that while Linda was conscious, she told a friend or family member visiting to put it in a safe place in our room, and that I will be able to locate it and give it to Reanna.

Life is not the same without Linda. We miss her so much.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My Linda was laid to rest yesterday. Everything turned out beautifully. Linda's spirit was present and gave us the strength to get through the day.

The service Friday night was informal. Pastor Greenlee started out with a few words of encouragement. His daughter Stephanie then sang Amazing Grace and moved everyone to tears, it was so beautiful. I then spoke and few words and then invited anyone in the audience to share any special stories or memories of Linda. I was so encouraged while looking out into the audience, the chapel was packed. I know Linda was smiling down and encouraged as well. Several people shared touching memories about Linda. I then spoke again about Linda's great faith and what a loving wife she was. My co-worker and friend Terry Foskey then finished the evening with final words of encouragement and a prayer.

The Saturday service and burial was more formal, but just as beautiful. The pastor gave a beautiful sermon and then invited the immediate family to say any closing remarks. Linda's sister Lisa and mother Teresa said a few words from the heart. I then spoke about what a wonderful mother Linda has been to Reanna and how proud Linda and I are of her.

Linda's cousins Michael, Frank, and Brian were Pallbearers along with myself and my friend Joe. Linda's nephew Michael rounded out the team because I know he will always have a special place in his auntie Linda's heart. I also chose her nephew because he is a true American hero that has given so much to this great country while serving in the military.

We then escorted Linda to her final resting place. Her plot was a final gift to Linda from my stepfather Tony. He loved Linda tremendously and lavished many gifts on her while she was living. The pastor said final words and then Linda's sister Anna's friend Anthony sang two beautiful songs. We lowered my Linda to rest.

After the services we went to the Los Gatos Hills for a gathering/celebration to honor Linda's memory. The beautiful house was provided by Reanna's aunt Reyna and her husband Jay. Everything was so peaceful and the scenery was majestic. I lost my breath when I first walked into their backyard and beheld the splendor of the view. I know my Linda was smiling down on us, and me in particular because I stress so much, and she was once again letting me know that everything was alright, that I did not have to stress at all, because God and her were going to make sure that every detail was perfect. And it was.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Trying to get through the day

Today will be a very hard day. Today we begin to lay to rest our beloved Linda. I have not seen my beautiful wife since she was picked up from our home on Monday. I hope I do not fail her. Please continue to pray for our family that we may have the strength today and tomorrow to make Linda proud.

The gathering/pot luck after the service on Saturday will be held at the following address. 23457 Summit Rd. Los Gatos, Ca 95033

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Services days and times

Reanna, Teresa and I thank everyone for all the phone calls and offers to help in any way. Even though we have not taken many people up on these generous offers, just knowing that people love Linda so much, and care about our well being as well, is a great help in this trying time.

I am posting the details for Linda's service. On Friday 03/13/09 from 10a.m. to 6 p.m. will be a viewing at Oak Hill cemetery. From 7p.m. to 9p.m. on Friday a service will be help in Chapel of the Oaks. On Saturday 03/14/09 at 1 p.m. will be a service with burial to follow about 2:30 p.m. A pot luck get together will be held shortly thereafter in Los Gatos Hills.

I will update tomorrow with more details about the pot luck or you can call the house to ask what dishes are needed.

Monday, March 9, 2009

No more pain for Linda

My beautiful wife is now at rest.

Keeping vigil

Each day Linda's parents, Reanna and I keep watch over our precious Linda. Linda's sisters Anna and Lisa and Linda's friend Lorie also stop by and visit with Linda daily. We start early in the morning and end really late at night. I then wake up with her about every two hours through the night. We all are tired, but I know there is no other place any of us would want to be.

My cousin Sophia has also been stopping by each evening to see Linda, as well as be someone that I can lean on in this difficult time. We spend each evening sitting on my cot next to Linda's hospital bed, watching t.v. and talking quietly, with Linda constantly on our minds and hearts. This has been a blessing. I do not think I would have been able to hold it together so far without her.

Our main concern is keeping Linda comfortable and out of pain. This has been a struggle the last couple of days. Yesterday her nurse Angela increased the morphine patches, but it still took about 12 hours before Linda appeared comfortable.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Feeling Guilty

My Linda has not been able to speak with us since the last post. This gives us so much time to sit near her and reflect. I try to focus on the positive, such as the many fond memories I have of her. But my mind keeps going back to somehow this is my fault. I blame myself for what has happened to Linda.

I try and think rationally and tell myself that cancer just happens, even to good people like Linda. But I feel that it should have been me, not her. Linda is the one with the pure heart. Linda is the one that does not judge people, but accepts them as they are. Linda is the one that always looks at the bright side and believes in the good of humanity. I am so negative. My wife's light has always been able to outshine my negativity. Even now with my wife in this condition, she is still the most beautiful, positive force I have ever come across.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Final gifts from Linda

Yesterday was really hard. Linda was asleep and unresponsive most of the day. Her brother Raymond had arrived from Arizona. It took him 30 hours to get here. His car broke down in Los Angeles, and he had to stay in a run down motel, on the wrong side of town, until his car could be fixed the next day. Her brother finally makes it her safely, and Linda is so out of it that she does not recognize him. Raymond and I and Linda's parents sat in the room for hours, hoping she would wake up. Around 7:30 p.m. Linda's brother and father left for the evening.

I kept thinking for hours that Linda would be out of it like this until we lose her. The Hospice people told us that this day would come. I just wasnt prepared, eventhough we had been told. Later that evening her sisters, Anna and Lisa returned. They were in the room along with me and Linda's mother. All of us were down because we realized that we may not get another chance to tell Linda that we love her, or see her smile again.

About an hour later we all drifted to different parts of the house. I was in the kitchen on the computer. I was reading the comments posted from the first time that I blogged. I started crying because I could feel the love pour through the monitor. My Beautiful Linda touched so many lives through her blog. I guess that is why she insisted on me learning how to blog. From day one of dating Linda, all through our marriage, and even now my wife is teaching me, in her gentle and patient way. Linda's mother went back into the room for something. I could hear Linda moaning. I went to the bedroom and saw that she looked awake. I stood next to her and told her that I was on the computer reading the comments about her blog. A big smile appeared and she said, "See baby, I told you." I started crying and kissing her forhead, cheeks and mouth. I ran to the living room and told her sisters that she was awake. We all ran to the bedroom and spent the next 20 minutes or so laughing and telling her that we loved her, her doing the same. We then let her go back to sleep.

I know we do not have as much time left with Linda as we would like. But I am grateful for these final gifts from my Linda.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Taken a turn for the worst

This is Linda's husband Sebastian updating her blog. My beautiful wife has taken a turn for the worst. She no longer has the strength to do this herself. On 02/26/09 the open wounds on Linda's upper left thigh began to bleed profusely, she was also in so much pain that all the medications had no effect. The hospice nurses told us to give her pain meds as well as anxiety pills every two hours until the pain subsided. The pain lasted the rest of the day and all night long with no relief from the pain meds. The next morning Linda wanted her parents, sisters, and Reanna and I in the room, she felt that she would be leaving us that day. It is now two days later and Linda is still fighting to be with us. Lots of friends and family members have been stopping by and calling to keep her spirits upbeat. Linda's parents and sisters have been helping Linda, Reanna and I get through this, we could not do it alone. We apologize for not answering any emails, but we do not have the time right now. This is my first post, it may take a few tries to get this down. I will update this daily with news of how Linda is doing.