Saturday, January 31, 2009

Home Almost One Week

It's been almost one week since I've been home from the hospital. I must say I feel so much better at home. The first few days I didn't have any visitors just because I needed to recover from that horrific hospital stay. For some reason I think being in the hospital made me worse. I just needed those few days to get somewhat near normal. But now, I don't know if I'll ever be normal. Right when I got home from the hospital it was hard to walk because while admitted they inserted a catheter because every time I got out of bed my heart rate would go up to 150+, sometimes 170. So there was very little strength in my legs, but it was possible. I would get out of bed at home about 1 - 2x a day, and then it got harder and harder. This morning I got out of bed so that I could take a sponge bath, and the pain was too much. I could not put any weight on my left leg at all, it was so painful I could not stand it. I'm hoping to be able to try getting out of bed again, but at this point, who knows.

Since Friday, or maybe Thursday - I forget, I've been having visitors. My mom has been arranging for friends & family to stop by and visit me for a bit. It's actually been quite nice. She got all of my contacts info from my cell phone, so she has been calling everyone at random while she has spare time. If she hasn't called you yet, and you'd like to come visit, call the home phone and ask for my mom, Teresa, and she'll set up a day/time for you to see me! You can try my cell #, but I'm not sure it will get answered :) I have really enjoyed having everyone over. Everyone has been so kind and generous and understands when it's time to go, it's time to go. That has really helped me a lot. Some come over and we sit and chat and laugh, and some come over and we chat and cry. It's good for me to get both laughter and sorrow at this point. What comforts me is that I'm not the only one who questions, why me? When they come over, they ask the same thing - why you? Why you Linda?

With my health this bad I don't think I'm going to make it to the Celine Dion concert in Feb. I'm so bummed, I've been looking forward to this concert since last year. Sebastian got me the tickets for our anniversary last year. The concert was to be in Nov., but she re-scheduled. Now we are stuck with 2 expensive tickets that will most likely go unused. One of the little things that sucks about cancer.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'm Home

This has been one hard week. My health has taken a turn for the worst. So this post is actually going to be a little short, even though there is sooo much to type. So I'll be as brief & informational as I can. On Saturday my left leg had got swollen, and the day before Dr Kwong told me he wanted scans to make sure there were no clots. So I was scarred and went to the ER. They did the scans and found nothing, but wanted more opinions so they held me. Everyday new things would arise and tons new tests were being ordered. Test after test, and I'm trying to get well to go See Dr Hamid. Finally, we had to sit down and discuss this whole week that had passed while I was in the hospital. Did I want to keep on doing that. Going after the cancer that's going after me? I know I'm strong - but according to the records, I'm doing by a long shot. So I have now decided to go for more drugs to keep the pain down, and stop fighting the cancer with chemo. It's gonna be hard, but I think I'd rater be that than more poking & prodding, I just can't handle all of these test anymore.

I'm home, just got here today, and hospice has come in and we already have a hospital bed in my room, along with a few other health care needs. I must say I'm having people over, but the less at a time, the better, and small time frames are preferred as I don't have a lot of energy. Also, if you happen to come by, please be noted we do not need anymore food, desserts, flowers or things of the sort, but thanks sooo much for offering. It'd be much easier if there were less of those things around for us all.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I have gone thru so much this past month and am a bit shocked that I really don't have much emotions for the bad news I got from Dr. Kwong last night. I have always feared the cancer spreading to my brain, because I know that the outcome is very rarely good. I have feared it more than spreading to my liver. But when I got the news last night, I kinda already knew it, and I thought that hearing it would be bad, but for some odd reason, I just took it in. I don't know if it's because it hasn't sunk in yet or what, but this is not the reaction I would have expected from me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

MRI's Done Today

This morning, while we were still sleeping, the phone rings at 9am! Who would dare call so early? Oh - it's Sally from Dr. Kwongs office. Glad I answered it. She got all the info she needed from Dr Hamid in Santa Monica and sent the info over to the radiology dept. So I called to set up my appointments. Just as I was talking to the radiology department they had a cancellation. At 10am. It's already 9am and I was still in bed. But of course I'm gonna take it. So we rush out of bed and get ready to go to the appointment. I hadn't eaten anything, so I had a quick english muffin before we left because there would be one MRI at 10 and the other at noon and I didn't want to starve. I was fine for the most part, but my body is really weird when it comes to my eating, medication taking, etc. So I was hoping I'd be fine. Of course not. I check in and as I'm in the waiting room, my english muffin starts re-appearing. Luckily I had a bag with me that I always carry. I was so mad because I hadn't taken my pain pills yet, which I knew I was going to need. Luckily they took a long time calling me and I was able to take 2 percocets and hold them down. First they did the brain MRI which was about 25 minutes long. We had some time in between the two scans, and I had to leave and get some fresh air. Sure enough, when I got outside I started throwing up again. I had some time to sit and rest, and then we went back to the waiting room. By the time my final scan came, I felt much better. This time they were scanning my left shoulder to see if they could see if there was any explanation for the recent pain. After my second scan, I went and got my lab work done and then picked up my contrast (a dye that you have to drink) for my CT scan tomorrow. I have to drink two huge bottles of something that doesn't look very good. I just hope I can hold it down.

Since those scans took a lot out of me, I was quite tired when I got home and have been resting ever since. At about 6pm I got a call from Dr Kwong that he already had my scans back. The results, as normal, are not good. The brain MRI showed that the cancer has now spread to my brain. Right now it's pretty minimal, but that is still news that I never wanted to hear. And the scan of my left shoulder showed that it has spread more over my clavicle, hence the reason for all the pain I've been having. It's to the point where I can not even pick up a glass of water and bring it to my mouth. I have to use my right arm for that.

Since the new scans show more cancer, Dr Kwong is referring me back to Dr Fisch to do radiation on my head & shoulder. So I might do the radiation before heading down to LA for chemo treatments. I just need to consult with both doctors again and discuss this with my family what is right for me at this time.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

My Latest Appointment

I had my latest appointment with Dr Kwong on Thursday. Everything seems to be going along as usual. He is in contact with the LA clinic making sure I get the right scans that I need. The scans have not been ordered, but I know they are contacting each other to make sure I get the right ones done. Once I do the scans (PET, CT & MRI's) I'll be going down to LA. It's just the time it takes getting scheduled to do the scans. Hopefully I can get in there right away.

Dr Kwong did prescribe me more pain pills, this time he gave me Oxycontin too, as well as the Percocet he's already been giving me. They have been helping a lot. I'm just afraid I'll get addicted to those! The only thing that has really worsened is the pain in my left shoulder. It is so bad that I can no longer lie on my left side, or put any weight on it. I cannot even hold a glass of water in my left hand. And as I washed my face today, I could not reach my forehead with my left arm, I had to use my right hand to wash the upper part of my face.Dr Kwong had it X-rayed, but no word yet. I'm thinking it's cancer related. And typing, not fun. Hence my lack of posting. I really want to blog more, but it's not so easy anymore. I might have to start having someone do this for me. But I'll do it for as long as I can.

I have not got back to any emails, I will as I can. Please bear with me :)

Monday, January 5, 2009

It's Everywhere

As each day goes by, I'm noticing more bumps over my body. Some are painful, some are not. I've been noticing it more and more over the last week. I haven't told anyone except last night I told my husband. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. They are on my stomach, back, neck, head, legs, shoulders, everywhere. It's getting harder and harder to move. Every move is painful. I have the pain meds that help stop the pain, but movements in my body still hurt. To turn over, reposition, or just about anything else hurts. My left groin hurts so much now that I just lay down most of the day. I only sit up when I have to eat or drink. After that I go back to lying down.

I'm still waiting to hear from the dr in LA about the clinical trial. He has been on vacation and gets back today. I was going to call today, but I really wasn't in the mood for talking, so I will do that first thing tomorrow. Hopefully we can get my scans ASAP so that I can start the trial. The longer it takes, it feels like the weaker I'm getting. I want to be able to go there and not be so weak.

Friday, January 2, 2009


Have you ever been jealous of someone? I will confess, yes. There have been times growing up and even being an adult that I was jealous of friends and families for one reason or another. I get jealous because some people have all of their family here in town, etc. Where as me, my immediate family is all over the place. I don't even have 1 family member in town. They have all moved away. But I must say, after the last few months of being ill and always having to have someone around to help me out, I have no reason to be jealous. My family has totally pitched in and are here for me 24/7. There is not a moment when I'm home alone. They work with each others schedules and re-arrange them if they have too. Am I still jealous? No. Lucky? Yes.