Overwhelming Responses

I have had an overwhelming amount of emails from friends and family. I don't have time to personally respond to everyone, but I will as time goes by. Right now work is hectic also. I should be part time, but with tons of stuff going on there, I'm putting in 8 hour days and it's not what I had planned. Well, since you put it that way, my life right now is not what I had planned. But whose is? Last year did you ever think that you would have a friend or family member with Stage IV cancer? I know that was the furthest thing from my mind. But now that is reality. Last year I knew nothing about cancer. I knew no one with cancer. And a year later, I know more about cancer than I ever wanted to know. I have learned a about myself also. I am stronger than I imagined I could be. I'm also weaker than I thought. I love more than I thought I could. I work harder than I ever had before. And I forget more. My short term memory is worse than it has ever been. I don't know if its stress, cancer, or mom-nesia. But whatever it is, I hate it. I have to ask 3x, and I still forget the answer! I am also not the only one I know now with cancer. My dad has prostate cancer, as does Linda1's dad, and even my neighbor Carl. Vanessa has brain cancer. I don't normally talk to Vanessa, but it was nice to see her at Reanna's graduation party. I didn't post pics because of course my camera battery was dead. What a good mother I am! Back to Vanessa. She is such an inspiration. I think I have had a hard time, but she has endured so much more than I have. She has been doing chemo for almost a year. She also has gone through radiation. It was good talking to her because we have a lot of the same symptoms, and some we didn't realize were treatment/cancer related. I think of her often. I hope that she is doing good and pray for her daily.

MRI Scheduled

Yep, I now have an appointment for an MRI. June 26 is the lucky day. Now I just gotta get my blood work @ Stanford. Hopefully I can get that done soon.

Let the Calls Begin

We have had a few days to get acclimated to the news we heard on Tuesday. We are in much better spirits. I know many of you are concerned and have sent me e-mails. Some I have replied to, and many I haven't had time to. I feel we are equipped to start taking phone calls if you would like to call. Please keep in mind we may not be able to answer or return every call. Just keep trying (with a considerable amount of time in between).

I talked to my sister Maria today. For 2 hours. (So keep in mind it can be emotionally draining and I can't take too many calls in one day, especially if I give you that much undivided attention, I still have my family & dogs to deal with at home). I miss her so much. I know I write that all the time. But I truly mean it. I got the sweetest email from her daughter the other evening. She told me how she always looked up to me. Why? I don't know. And after talking to Maria, I realized how much I have always looked up to her. She is so special. And she doesn't even know it, or believe it. But she is. She is embarrassed for me to go to her house. Because it probably won't be as nice as mine. But I don't look at those things. Well, I do.. lol.. but I don't care about those things. She has never had the material things that so many others do. But that does not make her who she is. You don't need the material things to have love in your heart. And her heart is so abundant, and she is so giving and self-less. I remember way back when I had Reanna, 3 weeks early. I hadn't had my baby shower yet, and we had nothing at home. Her & Jerry went shopping before we got home from the hospital and bought me everything Reanna needed, and then some. She was more excited than I was. And she is the same with Tai. She loves that little girl more than life itself. I could go on & on about my sister Maria, and maybe a little later on I will! But I have some things to do. As soon as I hear from Dr. G and get any updates, I'll post it here.

Oh yes, several have mentioned that they have forwarded this. Please feel free to forward this website as you wish. I don't have a lot of peoples e-mails, so I missed a lot of people.

Thank You Everyone

I just want to say thanks to all my friends and family for all of your support. I really appreciate all of your well wishes and love. Please, please give us some time to get through this. It is very difficult. We are coping, grieving, loving, and still trying to do our normal day to day activities. It's not easy when you are in a good mood and your mind is totally focused on something else (which can be hard to do) and then you are interrupted by a concerning phone call. Please use email or leave a message here, and I will get back to you. In my time. We do appreciate it, but just give us a little bit of time. When we are ready to talk, I will post it here. Then you can call and bug us all you want!!

I know more people are reading here, and I know I have not acknowledged everyone here. I blog when I can, and what's on my mind at the time. That does not mean that I have forgotten you or take my relationships for granted. So here goes a few shout outs: Kathie, thanks for letting me spill everything out to you and you graciously replying with nothing but kindness & love, even when you were busy with your own obstacles. Amy D-S, I know you have taken me to appts too, and had lunch with me many times. I do appreciate you coming out to see me and help me out. Petra, you are such an inspiration. Keep the faith. You are in an uphill battle, and I'll be here whenever you need help climbing. I was touched to see that you were touched by my story. Lori, you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Thanks for hanging out with me last night. I enjoyed it, as usual. Anna, when I told you my prognosis, the first words out of your mouth were "I'll be right there." Although you got lost, because you've only been to my house about 20-30 times, you were there. Thanks for your love & support. I'll post about more friends/family as I can.

I spoke with Dr. Godfrey last night. He thinks the best route right now will be to go down to Riverside and meet with Dr. Galani. He is the best he knows. I have full trust in Dr. Godfrey, and if he trusts Dr. Galani, then so do I. Before I go I need to do some blood work at Stanford & an MRI. I will be in Riverside for 5-7 days, up to 10. My dad, who is my Rock, will be going with me. Sebastian also wants to go, and Lori wants to go visit (she can't stay as long). While in Riverside, I'll be getting Bio-Chemotherapy. I forgot what that consists of, I have the notes at home. But I know it's Chemotherapy & InterluekinII (I don't know the spelling, but it's a cancer drug). I'll correct this info later when I read my notes or remember what it was!

FYI

Several have asked the severity of Stage IV. I have read a lot about melanoma in the past year, so I'm pretty familar with the stages, but obviously not everyone has to read about it! There are only 4 stages to cancer, there is no Stage 5. For skin cancer, Stage IV is when it spreads to the internal organs. Since last year I have been Stage IIIC. I have been praying that it does not go to Stage IV, and unfortunately it has. To read more about staging, you can go here: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_4_3X_How_is_melanoma_staged_50.asp

Stage IV

So Sebastian & I went to see Dr. Fisch today. The cancer has spread to another lymph node which is much deeper than the original lymph nodes that were removed. It has also spread to my liver. I am now considered Stage IV melanoma. I was sad & crying when he told me, and I knew in the back of my head it was stage IV, but I just had to clarify. So I asked him, and as soon as he said "Yes" I lost it. I could no longer hold it in. Sebastian was there with me and he was also visibly upset. Right when we got out of the building I let out one big wail. Then contained myself again. I'm sad.

No Phone Results

So first thing when I woke up I called Dr. Fisch. He left a message last night that he's in @ 6:30 am, so I called him around 7:15 am. He told me he has the results of my PET scan and he won't tell me over the phone. I have an appt to see him @ 11:00 today. Wish me luck.

I'm a Gold Member

I went for my PET scan today. Sebastian picked me up from work and took me. I was sooo hungry. The last time I ate was the night before, and I couldn't eat/drink before my appointment. But I managed. Anywho - as the man nurse took me back, he saw on my chart that I had just been in March (I thought it was more recent, but I guess he would know) and asked if this was my second PET scan. I informed him it was my 3rd, not 2nd. So he said "So you're a Gold Member then. Next time you'll be Platinum, and after that you just stay Platinum." Just a little something I thought I'd share. Anyway, I had to do the normal. They checked my blood sugar level (84), injected the radioactive dye and then made me rest for 45 minutes. Then I had to unload my bladder and do the PET scan. That was about another 45 minutes. When we were leaving we ran into Dr. Fisch, and he said he'd call me today. Which he did, but I wasn't home. So I gotta call him in the morning. Right after we ran into him Sab took me to grab a quick sandwich @ Quizno's then I went back to work. I hope I don't have to have another surgery yet!

Happy Father's Day

So I wanted to post this yesterday, but I was too tired. Yesterday was fathers day and I got tickets to see the Giants vs. A's ~ Battle of the Bay. It was great (although Giants lost 3 - 5). Reanna wanted to spend time with her brothers & sisters, so she didn't come with us. As always, Serenity was more than happy to join us! It was Sab, me, Paige & Serenity. I wanted to surprise Sebastian on Father's day of the tickets, but dummy me put his card on the microwave Friday night. I didn't want to forget where I put it, so I thought I'd put it where I knew he would find it. So he comes home from work Friday night, and I'm thinking he's making his dinner. He comes in the living room with this huge grin and says "Thank you." Great, he opened his card with the tickets inside. Oh well, what can I do. At least he's happy we're going to the game. So on Sunday morning we packed up and went to the game. We had club level seats, so it was great, and of course I made sure they were in the shade. Gotta think of those things now. After the game I called my dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Over all, it was a really nice day!

More Not So Good News

I stayed home on Wednesday because my dad came down for Reanna's graduation. I got a call from Dr Fisch, my radiologist, to come in for the next appointment, Thursday morning. Then about 2 hours later I got a call from Dr Kwong about the Temador. He was asking if I was interested as right now there are not very many cases where it's used for skin cancer. I'm in. It can't hurt, can it? So I made an appointment to go in on Thursday afternoon.
Thursday morning I went to see Dr Fisch. They went over a few items I'll need (aloe vera, lotions, cleansers, etc) and some of the side effects. Then they had to make a stabilizer so that I'm in the same position all the time. They used the CT scan for that also, to make sure I was lined up properly. I left with my next appointment, which is Tuesday June 17, 1:30pm. I think I start radiation that day.
After my appt, my dad & I went to breakfast at Bill of Fare. I love that place. They are so fast! I had banana pancakes and my dad had a waffle. I don't really care for pancakes, that was the first time in my life that I ordered them for breakfast. But my daughter loves to make them, so I have been eating them when she makes them, now they are growing on me.
So I get home, and my dad leaves to go back home. Right after he leaves, I get a call from Dr. Fisch that the CT scan has some suspicious stuff and that he wants me to have a PET scan before I start radiation. Great. One more obstacle.
So I go to my appt with Dr Kwong. I'll be taking 140 mgs of Temador while I do radiation. But he doesn't prescribe them just yet because he is waiting too to see my PET scan.
Right when I think things are coming around finally, there is another set back. CANCER SUCKS.

Reanna Graduates

Reanna & Me

Reanna, grandpa & Me

Sab, Paige, Reanna & Me

Reanna with her Tia Roxanna & Tia Reyna


My baby girl graduated! I'm sooooo proud of her. She looked so beautiful. It was at the Rose Garden. Me, Sebastian, Paige & my dad went. Reanna's aunt's Reyna & Roxanna went, and so did her grandmother & her uncle Raul. I will post pics as soon as I download them to my computer!

Radiation and Chemo

Dr. Godfrey and I have been playing phone tag all week. I finally got ahold of him Friday evening. We arranged a meeting at his Fremont office Saturday morning. I met with him so that he can see me before his vacation. He looked at the melanoma on my leg once again, and even took a few more pictures. He did a lot of thinking about what the next step will be. For now it's going to be radiation as planned, but while I'm doing radiation I will be taking chemo pills called Thermador. (don't know if that's the correct spelling). In the midst of it all I forgot to ask what the side effects to the Thermador are. I'll have to remember to ask that next time. He was considering having me go to UCSF to get hyper-thermia, but he said he is going to hold off on that for now, but it's still possible he may send me there in the future. Hyper-thermia is a warming of the area. I don't know how, etc. but that's how he explained it. So now, I'm in Dr. Fisch's hands for radiation. I really like Dr. Godfrey, he is soooo kind and he is always willing to meet with his patients, even on his days off! Who takes time on Saturday to meet his patients? This is the second time he has come in on his day off to meet with me. I like to know that I'm being taken care of by doctors who really care for their patients.

Brag Time

So my baby is growing up. May 31 was her prom. She looked so beautiful. She had a good time and stayed safe! I just have to post pictures of her and her boyfriend Ben. Enjoy.

Local Chemo (Arterial Infusion)

So I went to Hayward on Friday to have the local chemo treatment done. I had to go to admitting first (I normally do this a few days beforehand) because it was out of town. Then to the waiting room. The nurse called me after a while and took me back. She prepped me, and then Dr. Godfrey came in around 10am - the time it was to start. He said the other dr to be assisting was held up, so it might be a while. I then showed Dr. Godfrey another black mark that is about 1" from my most recent surgery. After checking it out, he said I may have to have another surgery before radiation. ANOTHER SURGERY?? I don't know how much of this I can handle. Let me just get through one thing at a time. So anyway, he finished up with me and not too long after Dr. Dybbro came through and talked to me also. I asked him a few questions about the procedure, and was so cute - he said, I'm just "The Plumber." I had to lol.. he was the one whe was inserting the tubes, but Dr Godfrey was actually administering the chemo. Anyway, not to long later they wheeled me over to the OR and it was soon underway. Everyone in there was just fabulous. All of the nurses and assistants were great. I was so happy because I was having a bad hair day, and they put a blue hair net on me too! So what'd they do to me? Well, it's hard for me to explain it, but I'll try. Dr. Dybbro went in thru my right leg to get to the left one. Dr. Godfrey wrapped a warm "blanket" around my lower left leg (knee down) to stop the blood from flowing. They wanted to keep the chemo confined to my upper left leg. Then they had some filter system (I could not see anything) to filter the chemo through at the highest possible dose. This took about 2 hours or so, but it seemed about 5 - 10 minutes on my end! Anyway, after the procedure I went to a recovery room. I was there a few hours, then they let me go home. I went home & went to bed. Couldn't do much else. Saturday, I was sick sick sick. I couldn't even hold water down. Linda came by for a bit with Joanne & Jasmine, and they gave Reanna a ride to work. Lori also came by for a bit. And Felecia was there with me all day too. Everyone helped me out a lot. On Sunday, I still wasn't feeling well. I rested all day, but I was able to drink a little bit of juice. Yeah.... First thing down since Thursday! I even ate a piece of pizza for dinner. I was shocked I held it down. But I figured if I gotta taste it 2x, it might as well be something good! So here it is Monday, Memorial Day. And I'm feeling ok. Still not 100%, but I'll be there soon.

Healing is Key

I'm healing right now. I think I like this process :) It's getting better day by day. I just went back to work part-time, and it feels so good to get out of the house. But of course everything happens at once. So now that I'm back to work, there are tons of errands to be done, and it's hard to do it all! Slowly but surely things are getting done though. Today Reanna & I spent almost 4 hours at the Passport office today. I knew we should get there early, but we got there late. It opened at 9am, and we got there around 9:15. The office was already packed - we pulled number 74, and they were on #48 when we got there. I thought DMV was slow. Anyway, we got out of there at 1:05pm, and then we had to run home to get her clothes for work, then I had to run and take her to work. Whew, we barely made it! Luckily she has 10 more years before it has to be renewed again!

I got a message last week, and my local chemo will be on Friday. I guess I'll have a nice Memorial Day weekend. Much different than last years that's for sure. Yep, last year Reanna & I went with Claudia & Germ to the Sacramento River and we just kicked back and relaxed while riding a raft down the river. In the sun all day (with sunscreen, although this was pre-melanoma). Guess I won't be doing that this year.

I watched Sicko last week, and it was pretty interesting. I'm lucky that we have good health care, but it's amazing what some Americans have to endure and what neglect they receive because they are not insured. I saw where one guy (I think he was in France?) took an extra 3 months off, with 100% of his pay, before returning to work to heal. After that, I kinda thought - should I have done that too? I feel like I'm healing pretty well, but am I over-doing it by going back so soon? It's not that we need the money (although it helps). I guess if I feel like I'm over-exerting myself, I'll stop going in, but for now part time is o.k.

2 More Doctor Visits

On Monday I had to go visit Dr. Kutner to get my stitches removed, and my drain tube. YEAH! I was so excited that I could shower again. Since I could not drive because I was still on pain meds, my mom took me to my appointment. It was very painful getting in/out of the car and walking, but I managed. Dr. Kutner is always very very nice. But this time she did not answer my questions as much as she normally does. It seemed as if she knew the answers, but she kept referring me back to Dr. Godfrey, who I had not seen yet. So she removed my tube, and all of my sutures. I asked her how many stitches there were (I'm just nosey) and she just said, "It's one long one." Thanks Dr. Kutner. Anyway, the first few pinched a bit, but after that, no problem. She told me I must be numb still if I didn't flinch, etc. I thought that too, because when she removed the stitches from my 1st surgery, it was pure & utter pain. PAIN. Oh yeah, I think it helped that I took a Percocet before I left the house. There is still a huge hole where the drain tube was removed. Much bigger than last time. So now I'm just waiting to hear from Dr. Godfrey. I'm really curious about the local chemo he is to do.

Waiting for info from Dr. Godfrey. By the end of the day, no phone call. So I called his office myself to schedule an appointment with him. It's Tuesday @ 11:30am.

So my mom & Reanna go with me to Dr. Godfrey's office in Fremont. So I go to sign in, and the lady asks me if I have a question. I thought, question - no, appointment - yes. So I give her my Kaiser card, and she tells me he is in Hayward today. Oh no, that is like 15-25 minutes away! So she calls Hayward to tell them we are on the way. So my mom hurries and gets the car (it still took 15 minutes for that - parking was awful) and we rush over there. We checked in a 12:00. Great, his lunch time. So when he got to the room he was not as happy as the first time I saw him. I think I was using his lunch hour! Oops. Anyway, he was still very nice to say the least. I really like thim. I was really worried because the night before I was reading www.mpip.org and what local chemo was. I got really scared because it seemed so intrusive. So I ask him, and it's no where near what I thought it was. Woo Hoo. It's still chemo, but I though that they were going to cut more off of my leg, do skin grafts, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Luckily not. Yeah. They are just going to insert the chemo on my leg, and not through my whole blood stream. They are going to do this in about 3 weeks. Cool. So I think I might go back to work for a while because I'm tired of being home all the time. I just hope I have some energy for that!

The Next Step

I'm recovering from my surgery pretty good. I'm up and around the house, but still having others do little things for me. Things that seem little, are really big. So thanks to all those who have helped me.

I went to the CTC (Cancer Treatment Center) today and met with Dr. Benjamin Fisch. I really like him. Sebastian came with me to my appt. It is where I will do the radiation treatments. I'll be doing around 25 treatments. He said between 20 - 30, but it looks like 25 will be the magic number. I didn't realize how many appts it takes to get ready for radiation, there are about 4 more pre-appointments.

I thought I was only going to have to do radiation. Nope. I'll be going back to Dr. Godfrey and I'll be doing chemo before I start radiation. So even though I started the radiation process, that will be put on hold until I'm done with the chemo. I have no idea how long that will take, but the Drs already know how hard of a time I had with Interferon, so they are going to probably do the least as possible with the best effect.

The reason for the chemo is that the pathology report came back positive for cancer. As much as tissue that Dr Kutner removed, she was not able to get it all. :(

Surgery No. 3

Yep, today is surgery day. Last week and yesterday I did the final bloodwork, test, physical and all that good stuff. I was cleared for surgery. So today I go in and Dr. Kutner will go back and remove where the cancer has regenerated. Recovery will be about 3 weeks. I'll update as I can. Wish me luck!

NOLA

So I made it to New Orleans. I'm so glad we were able to get a flight there. I had such a great time.

We had a layover in Utah, and were to arrive in NOLA around 9:30pm. Well, about 8pm, the plane start descending. Sab & I think it's a bit early, but whatever. Sure enough, a few minutes later the pilot comes on and tells us we should be landing in about 20 minutes! YIPPEE! We landed around 9:30. I was so excited! So the first thing we did was catch a cab to our hotel, the Windsor Court. As we are on our way, I confirm with the cabbie the price of our fare. I say, it's $28 right? Flat fee? He was like, "You are going to the Windsor Court Hotel and you're asking me about your fare?" Then Sab was making fun of me too. I guess people who normally stay here do not ask about fares, but I don't like to get taken advantage of, so I just wanted to let him know that I was aware of how much they should be, right - WRONG :)

As we are going up to our rooms, Carolyn is right there in our elevator. She was on the cruise I went on. I was so happy to see someone I knew. Her room happened to be right next door. After we settled in, she came in our room for a few minutes to check out something on QVC.com. After that, Sab & I went to eat an Landrys. It was yummy. I had some fried green tomatoes, grilled shrimp salad, and a few glasses of wine. Here's a pic of my fried green tomatoes.

After dinner, Sebastian & I went to Harrahs and gambled for a bit, lost a little bit, but not too much.

The next morning I went to Cafe Du Monde and I had beignets and cafe au lait. OMG, yummy!! Robin has the pic of that, hopefully I can get that from her. Then Robin, Aileen & I just shopped around the French Quarter for a little while. After that, I went back to the French Quarter with Sebastian. It was really busy because it was the weekend of the French Quarter Festival. But the weather was just perfect. After we walked around Canal St, we went back and took a nap. After my nap, I met up with the ladies and we went to the LA Superdome for the Vagina Monologues. Traffic was crazy and getting a cab was worse! We were walking around looking for a cab, and out of the blue we saw Suze Orman. She was taking pictures with some CRAZY fans, so I didn't bother going to and trying to look like a crazy obsessed fan (if we weren't running late, I probably would've been just like the other ladies... ha ha..). So we caught a cab, and were soon there. The Vagina Monologues were just great. I loved it. The bummer was that Oprah did not show up. My one chance to see her in person. Oh well, maybe one day, just one day, I'll make it to her show. Yeah right, keep dreaming.

After the show, we lost our friends! I got a cab with Nancy and her mom, but we could not find Rachel & Hoot. So we got a cab and headed back to the hotel. As we were sitting there in the lobby, I got a call from Rachel to go to the front of the hotel and wait for Hoot - she is showing up in a cop car! Yep, cop car! So Nancy & I run out there, and sure enough, here comes Hoot & Cathy in the cop car. Hoot could not walk any further, so the cop brought her back. I got a pic with the cop! HA HA Sab.... He wanted a pic with the NOPD, and he even took pics in front of a cop car & scooter earlier in the day! Enjoy the pic.

When we were all back from the V-Day events, we went up to the jazz bar & hung out, had a few glasses of wine, and had a great time. I really enjoyed my time with the BE ladies. I wish we had more time like that. I got back to the room at 2am. Poor Sab was all by himself all night long. It's not like I do that often though.

The next morning Sab & I woke up, got ready & went to Starbucks. I went back to the hotel and went to breakfast with the ladies. We went to the master class and we got all kinds of BE goodies. I even went up and met Leslie again. She is such a wonderful lady. Very kind. After breakfast, it was time to pack and get ready for home. I was sad to say goodbye to everyone, but we had to :( I'm glad we have email & chat rooms! I miss them and hope there are more events we can meet up at.

Flight Cancelled

Are you kidding me? My American Airlines flight to New Orleans was cancelled. Unfriekenbelievable. I just about died. I was so upset. I was crying. The last time that I'm getting out of town before surgery, supposed to meet up with my BE Addicts, and my flight was cancelled. After a few hours of searching, I found a flight on Southwest. I would miss the cocktail party, but at least I could hang out, see the Vagina Monologues, and have brunch with my fellow Addicts. So I AA to make sure that my return flight home was ok. Yep, I can use it, that flight is o.k. But wait a minute - they found me a flight on Delta! YEAH!!! It's still on! I'm still gonna miss my cocktail party, but at least I'll be in NO a little earlier!! WOOHOO, I'm going to New Orleans!!! I hope you all have a great weekend, cuz Sab & I are going to have a blast! And hopefully I'll get to catch up with Nancy, Rachel, Robin, Patrice & Cathy! I'll put up some pics as soon as I can.

I'm Not You

Everybody is different. Everybody responds differently. Although I appreciate how others have managed to deal with cancer, I do not see things the way others do. I try my hardest to stay positive. Yes, I do get sad and cry too. But I don't dwell on it. I try to get over it. I must say that it is not easy. I am learning to deal with this the best I can. But I do not want to be strong because that is what others want me to be, because them I'm being fake. But I also do not want to be weak. I want to be myself. Is it possible to ever be myself again. Cancer does not define who I am. I am not going to let it take over my life.

Big Girls Don't Cry

I just love that song. I wish I could live up to the title.

Yesterday I got a call from my surgeon's assistant. She wanted me to come in today. I thought everthing was ok and that she was calling me to see my leg. I could have not been more wrong. I was totally blind-sided. She had reviewed my PET scan and the melanoma is still present. I will have to have another surgery, and it will take about 3 weeks to recover. Just within the last few days my scar area has been darker and you can feel lumps there. When I met with Dr Paek a few weeks ago, there was no sign of anything. How things change so quickly.

So after my appt with Dr. Kutner this morning, I met with a physical therapist. She gave me some really good exercises to work on to get the strength back in my leg. But since I might have lymphedema and now I have an upcoming surgery, I have to put the exercising on hold. I'm not surprised. I feel like my life has been on hold since last year. So now I don't know when I'm going to visit my sister Maria. I really wanted to go see her this summer.

My surgery is scheduled. I will be having my surgery 2 weeks from today. Tuesday April 22. My main goal is to be healed in time for Reanna's high school graduation.

Another PET scan

I had to have another PET scan. So far no results. I have an appt to get the results on 4/10/08. I've kinda just stopped thinking about that for the moment because of other issues. On Wednesday I woke up and after my shower my leg was hurting really bad. So I sat down on my bed to rest, and I looked down at my leg and it was really puffy. Just to stand on it was painful. So I made an appt with a dr. My surgeon was unavailable, so I just saw someone in Intermal Medicine. I really liked her. She had an ultra sound done, and those results were pretty good. There are no blood clots in my leg. So they are thinking it is lymphedema. It's several days later, and it's still swollen. Hopefully the swelling will go down soon.
Other than that, things are ok. I can't wait to go to New Orleans! This Friday Sebastian & I are going and I'm going to hang out with some BE Addicts that I met on the cruise. I'm so excited. I know it's only for a weekend, but I haven't gotten away for so long (well, except for Napa) I can't wait to get away.

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Unlike Space Mountain, I don't like this roller coaster. So far everything has been going really well. Until yesterday. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. Again. I went for a CT scan on Tuesday, and yesterday I got my results. The lymph nodes in my left groin area are enlarged. It is right near the area they removed 15 other lymph nodes. So now I have to go for another PET scan. It's possible I may have to have another surgery to remove them. I hope they turn out to be nothing, but I have at least a week before I find that out. It's the not knowing that kills. Everything seems to be going fine, and now this. When the "Why me" part of my life was gone, here it is again. Why me?

Thank YOU

I must say thank you to everyone who replies to my posting, on the blog or via email. Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time posting here, even though it is a good outlet for my feelings. But all of your replies & message really help me to validate what I'm feeling and make me feel like it's not all for nothing. As I have learned that time is short & precious, and do I really want to spend that time typing a blog? Sure. I'll continue. You all help me, and it seems that you too can release what you are feeling in your replies to me :) So we can help each other.

Through all of this, I have to give credit to my good friend Lori. She is the best friend I could ever ask for. What she has done for me & my family are more than anyone could ever ask for. I will eternally be indebted to her. She took me to my very first infusion at the hospital. Before we entered I told her about my first time I had to enter the infusion center. I warned her of what to expect once we entered - because I did not know the first time, and I was caught off guard. We sat there and cried. And held each other. I didn't check in until all of the tears were gone, which took a while. But she waited, and listened, and was seriously concerned. I gathered my composure and checked in. They called my name and we went back to the infusion center. My first infusion was at least two hours. As we sat there, we talked and laughed and just enjoyed each others company. While there, she noticed all of my other appointments. She pulled out her calendar and marked on my sheet all of the days she could take me to my appointments! She marked about 80% of my calendar! The only days she didn't mark were the days Sab didn't work and he was going to take me. After my appt she took me home and helped me make chicken soup. Shortly into making it, I got sick and had to go lie down. Her & Reanna finished it up, and before she left she came to see me in the room to make sure I was ok. She covered me in the blankets, gave me a kiss on my check, and left. Appointment after appointment she was there to take me. She was always on time, always had a smile, always helping. One time I was really sick, and when the nurses came, she was telling them. She was saying I looked sick, I lost weight, etc. She made them pay attention to me. They ran all kinds of tests and gave me some prescriptions, etc. She went to the pharmacy and got my prescriptions, got me 7up, fluffed my pillow, did all kinds of stuff for me. Although I was sick, her attention to my needs did not go unnoticed. I must've been there for 4 hours that day. She was there with me helping me the whole time. One time I was too sick to get out of the car, so she ran into Safeway to get me some jello & pudding, because that was all I could eat. Even now, when I'm better, she still goes out of her way to help me. The other day she stopped by just because. When she was leaving we were talking about hair.... I just love her hair.... and she loves mine... lol... I hate mine! Anyway - we were just talking about hair and then I thought aloud - "Oh man, I forgot to get hair gel today" and she left. She came back an hour later with mousse, hair spray, and a leave in treatment. She didn't have to do that! But that is just her. She goes out of her way. She would give me the shirt off her back. That is a friend. I wish I were that type of friend. Never in a million years could I be like that to someone. That is the friend I can only long to be. Lori - I love you. You make me want to be a better friend.

As for my other "friends" I'm just keeping my distance. It's really not too hard as they do the same.

Screw you too

I don't know how to go about this. Do I just leave it, or do I say something. Most, if not all, of my friends & family know that I have cancer, know I've had 2 surgeries & know that I was extremely sick during my treatment. Several friends & family have come to my aid. They have come over & clean my house, made dinners for me & my family, or just hung out for a bit. I know for a while I couldn't even eat, but my family still needs to eat. Or at least most of them have offered to, and I turned them down. But there are some people who I thought would call me, stop by, etc, and nothing. Nada. I feel like when I needed them most, they were not there. Most people know they do not need an invite to my house, just call me when you are on my block so I can let my dogs outside. But people who I'm not even close to were bringing me food, kept calling me & asking if I could eat so they could bring it, etc, calling me with support, love, etc and the ones I thought would, didn't. What do I do? Do I continue to be their friends, but back off? Do I just pretend it never happened? Do I say something? Well, right now in my heart, all I can say is "Screw you too."

Our Anniversary

Yep, another anniversary. This year we went to Napa. We both have never been there. Obviously, this is a year for a lot of firsts. Now that I'm feeling better, I want to get out and do things I have never done before.


Before we left the house, Sebastian shocked me with 2 tickets to Celine Dion when she comes in November! I can't wait. I always wanted to see her in Vegas, but never got around to it. Then he also got me a Marilyn Monroe portrait to match the Audrey Hepburn one I have. He is so good to me. I LOVE my husband.



So when we got to Napa, we weren't sure what to do (we knew want wanted to go wine tasting, but didn't know where to start), so we stopped at the visitor center. We got a map, and was just looking at all the wineries on there and things to do. Then all of a sudden, I see something called the Wine Train. Hmm, what's that? We call it up, an a train is leaving in about an hour. So we drove there, and got our tickets. About 20 minutes later, we boarded the train. On the ride up through Napa, we had wine (Sab had beer) and appetizers. They were pretty good. The ride was about 1 1/2 hours. Then we stopped so the train could turn around. We had to change cars, and we got on the meal car. There we had piping hot bread, soup or salad, our meal (I had the Salmon, Sab had the Prime Rib ~ we aren't that predictable are we?) and then dessert. For dessert, Sebastian got the chocolate cake, and I got Creme Brulee. I bet you would have never guessed that! Everyone knows I'm the chocolate lover! During dessert the waiter gave us dessert wines, he gave Sab a Port wine, and me a Muscat. I really enjoyed the Muscat, very light & sweet.

After lunch, we went shopping. I got some shoes, a new Coach purse & wallet, and then we got Sab's mom a Coach purse too, cuz her birthday was coming up. Then I couldn't find my sunglasses (in the pics I'm borrowing an extra pair of Sebastians) so I got a new pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses. I was so excited. After shopping, we went back to our room to rest a bit. We decided on Japanese food for dinner, and that was in downtown Napa. We had good reviews, and the wait was long, so that must mean they are good, right? Well, they were just so-so. Once we got to our table, the wait was still long. They were not any faster at service than they were are seating us. No biggie, I enjoyed the company :)


The next morning we had breakfast at the B&B. It was quite yummy. Then we headed out to do some wine tasting. We started at V. Sattui. I got a bottle of Gamay Rouge, Muscat, Reisling and Sab got a White Zin. I had a great anniversary with my hubby. I hope for many, many more.

Cirque de Soliel

I have never been to a Cirque de Soleil show, so last year I got tickets for us to go. I was hoping that I would be feeling better by the time it came, and I was. The show was fabulous. I can't believe we have never been! I want to go see all of them now! Mom, guess you'll be seing me soon.... Cuz most of them are in Vegas. I will probably schedule a weekend this summer to go see her. I also want to go see my sis Maria in Indiana. I have not seen her for about 5 years! How time flies. There is no excuse for not going to visit her. We are only getting older, and time is not on our side. I was so happy to see her daughter Christina & Tai last year.

OK, so I'm rambling - Kooza is a must see. The contortionists were fantastic, and a bit freaky. Then there were the acrobats, dancers, gymnasts, etc. I'm sure that some of the dancers were acrobats ect, they probably do several different things, but it was great. I'll definitely go again!

Here's a pic of Sebastian, Paige, Me & Reanna.

Back to Work

It was nice to be able to have my surgeries & treatments & not have to worry about work. I thought I could go back part-time while I did the low-dose, but that proved to hard. But since I didn't even continue with the low-dose, I started back at work part-time, but that did not last long. They kept piling the work on me, and soon enough I was back full time. I would have loved to be home longer - and get my strength back in my leg & body. But it's my fault. I should've been more persistent on getting to the gym. I did go this week with Reanna. That was good. Right now I'm feeling it in my legs & abs. I hope to have my leg & knee stronger by summer.

I told a co-worker that I feel it more in my legs today than yesterday. She said she noticed that she would feel it two days later instead of the next day as she got "older." Wow. Thanks. Thanks for letting me know that I'm old. Because I really had thought time stood still since last year. It certainly feels that way. But obviously not. I'm getting back to reality, and I have to realize that I'm getting old.

No more treatments

I finished up my treatments that were full dose. Wow. I can't believe I got through 20 of those treatments. I then went back to do the low dose at home. I had to wait a while because they had to special order them. The pharmacy did not have any? So when they came, I went to the injection unit so they could show me how to give them to myself. The nurse made me give myself one right then & there. I thought there was no way I could give myself a shot! But she insisted, and as I sat there in front of her and she helped me to poke the needle in (it wasn't very long) I screamed! It did not hurt at all, just a small pinch. But just the thought of me doing it was crazy. Once it was in, she injected the Interferon, and that was it. Done in about a minute.

So I went home, and 2 hours later, it was pure pain. This low dose treatment was far worse than the high dose I had been doing. I thought it would be easier. A few days later, I had Sebastian help me with the shot. I didn't scream this time. And then again, 2 hours later, the pain returned. I thought to myself, I'm done. I did my high dosage treatment for the time I intended. I could not do 11 months of the low dose. My body had been through enough the past few months. So I met with my doctor and told him I was done. He offered to up my pain medication, but by then my mind was already made up. My treatments were over.

It's been a while

since I've last blogged. I had such a hard time with my treatment, I could not blog as I had wanted. The last few months have been a lot tougher than what I ever imagined. But I can say that I think the tough times are behind me! I knew it was not going to be easy. But I never dreamed it would be so difficult. I had my final treatment (well, infusion) on Friday, and any day now I will start taking Interferon injections at home, in shot form. FUN! I'm just waiting for the pharmacy to get my injections. Then I have to go to the Injection Clinic so they can show me how to do my shots. I hope they don't hurt.

I really am not ready to go back to work, but I know I have to. Maybe I'll go back near the end of January. I think I'm going to ask my dr if I can go back part time first, because right now my energy is way down.

I'm back, for now that is

It has been 4 days since my last treatment. My NP stopped my treatments because she said my liver functions were low. Plus there was a holiday last week, so I only got two treatments last week too. I feel sooo much better. I'm eating more, smiling, talking up a storm! I have to go next week to get more blood work done, so I can hopefully finish up my treatments. I want them done so bad! So far I've done 11, so there are only 9 left! My company is having our annual Christmast dinner on Dec. 14, and I want to go. I hope that I'm ok by then to go.

I went to lunch today with my friend & co-worker Kimberly. It was so exciting to get out and actually eat something! I feel like I hogged the whole time talking, but I couldn't help myself. I've known Kimberly for 13 years, well, next month will be 13 years - but wow. How the time goes. I know her well enough that I know she's not mad at me for talking so much! She is such a good friend. She has offered to help me a lot during this time, but I haven't had the opportunity to take her up on it. I still have 9 more treatments, so I just may take her up on it soon :)

Who am I and what have you done with Linda?

As each day passes, I feel like I'm losing a bit of who I am. I feel like my smiles have gone and that there is a dark cloud looming over my head. I know there have been a few times when I saw people close to me, and they lost the spark in their eyes. But that was different. That was because they were sick or sad or something. I feel like I have permanently lost that spark, and that it's not coming back. I know that this is temporary, but it surely does not feel that way right now. It is real, very real.

Tai Tai went Bye Bye :(

So Christina and Tai had to go back home. I really enjoyed them coming out and visiting me while spending a week in Cali! I miss them so terribly much. This was my first time meeting Tai, and she is the most adorable little girl ever! My niece Tina has such a beautiful daughter! Just looking at these pictures makes my heart ache for them :(

3 down, 17 to go!

Reanna always has a count down list :) 115 days 'til school is out, 42 days 'til the concert, 18 days 'til vacation, etc, etc, etc. Now I have a count down. 17 more infusions. I always listened to Reanna's count downs, but they never really had a meaning for me. I don't get summer vacation, and I very rarely go to her concerts (well, I did drag her to see J.T. with me though!) so while every day she could tell you how many days until each function was to come, I would eagerly listen. Now, I've got my own count down. This normally isn't my sort of thing, but the treatments are so bad, that actually gives me something to look forward to.

Treatment #2 went by pretty fast. I had a new nurse, Parker. He was really nice. He asked a lot of questions, and then told me that he had done the same treatment about 7 years ago. He was very helpful. This time I brought a book, and the time went by pretty fast. When I got home from the appt, my dad, Tina & Tai had just gotten to the house! I was so excited to see them all. I hadn't seen Tina for about 3 years, and I had never met Tai, although I talked to her on the phone and saw many pictures of her. She is even more beautiful in person! I just love her. She is such an Angel. Shortly after I got home and hung out with them, I started not feeling well. So once again, I had to retreat to my room. Only this time was worse. I could not hold any food down. It was just awful. Several hours just lying in bed, fully clothed with the heater on and many blankets, and I was still freezing. By 6pm or so, I started feeling kinda better, so I got out of bed for a bit. I had a small cup of Jello and some crackers for dinner. That was all I could manage to hold down. Shortly after eating, instead of getting really cold, I was sweating. Hmm, I didn't feel that the night before? But yep, my clothes were wet with sweat. Must be another reaction to the medicine.

For treatment #3, my dad took me to the hospital. Well, first I had to drink 48 oz. of water (I only drank 36 oz.) and have an ultrasound. OMG, talk about pain. That is the most awful feeling to have someone pushing on your bladder when it is full of water! Luckily it was over pretty fast, and I got to use the restroom... whew... After that, we went to my treatment. My dad came in with me, and Parker was my nurse once again. I informed him of my nausea the day before, so he was working on getting me a prescription for that. We were there for about 2 hours. Wow, how fast the time goes by when you get used to it. The prescription wasn't ready by the time we left, but I did get a call to pick it up anytime over the weekend. Same thing happened when I got home, I was able to hang out for a bit, then I got sick and had to go back to bed. I have to get completely under the blankets and be fully covered. It feels like the middle of winter and I can't move because the warmth of my body is only where my body currently is, so if I move anything, it gets really cold. Every time I start to fall asleep, the phone rings or someone comes in or something. It never fails.

My cousin Tina called me too. She was so helpful. She is going to come over next weekend and help me out. She is going to make some meals, clean house, and hang out with me for a while. I can't wait. I hate to have people over assisting me (Yeah right!) but I'm learning to accept help. Ruby & Barbara even volunteered to bring me some soup. And my old friend Amy called out of the blue, and she wants to take me to a few appts to, if there is a time that I don't have a ride. I can't believe how much everyone is helping out. Thanks everyone :)

My first infusion

So I had my first infusion yesterday. Lori picked me up and took me. I have known Lori for so long, but I'm rarely vunerable with her. It was really nice to have a real good talk with her. I got to tell her of my weaknesses and fears. I told her how hard it was to go into the infusion room the first time. I was so glad that for my first infusion I was not alone. She sat there with me the whole time. I thought it was going to be about 1/2 hour, but it turned out to be about 2.5 hours! Wow, not what we were expecting. But the time went by so fast! Afterwards, we went home and I showed her how to make chicken soup. I knew I would not feel well, and that always helps. After that she left cuz she had to pick up Breanna from school. Reanna & Ben finished the last few parts of the soup. I had no clue how sick I would get. I knew I would get flu-like symptoms. But OMG, this was just the most awful thing I endured. I felt so sick and cold. I had on sweats, a sweatshirt, my Thorlos (the best socks ever!), my blankets, and I still felt cold. My whole body would not stop shaking. It lasted for several hours. How I was just praying that I would fall asleep, but that was just not happening. After a while, Reanna did give me a little bit of soup, but I wasn't very hungry, I just ate a few bites. After we ate, she came and lied down with me for several hours. At about 8pm, Sab kicked her out and he lied down with me :) I woke up around 1am, and felt so much better. Even now I feel a little better, until my next treatment in 1.5 hours!

I've got friends

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any friends. It's because I don't like to call and burden people. Well, on Tuesday night, after my PICC line was inserted, Ruby called me to see how I was doing. I don't talk to her often, but I have known her for so long - probably close to 20 years. Wow, I'm really revealing my age here :) The thing was, I don't know if she knew it was the right time to call or not, but she called when I really needed it. She told me things that I really needed to hear. And I felt so loved. I felt like what she told me really validated me. Wierd, how someone I rarely see and speak to could do something like that. But yep, it's true. I know I'm not alone.

Another good thing is that Lori also called me. She told me her day was free on Wednesday, my first treatment, and that she would be able to take me! I'm glad I asked her to come with me. I can be so stubborn and want to do things on my own. But it will be great to have a FRIEND come with me.

Got my PICC line

So yesterday I went to and got my PICC (peripherally inserted central catheter) line. NP Grace Daun inserted it for me. I showed up at 9am, ready to get my line. I didn't get called into the exam room until 9:30am. Then once I got in there, I had to sign some disclosures, then Grace went over the procedure and my instructions on wearing this PICC line. By then it was 10am. I asked her how long it would be, and she said about another hour! Oh no, dh was in the waiting room, an I had no clue how long it would be. She she got everything ready, it was like a surgery. She covered herself up, as well as met too. She had some issues with the PICC pkg, but got them resolved shortly thereafter. It didn't hurt much, just a few pinches from the needles. After it was inserted, I had to go take an x-ray to make sure it went in the right place. So I go to the waiting room, and Sab is not there. Oh know, he had my purse with my ID & Kaiser card, so how was I to get an x-ray? I went to the x-ray dept anyway, and I told the lady my situation, and she let me in :) The x-ray took less than 5 minutes. So I go back, and Sab is there in the waiting room. He had gone to get something to eat, which is understandable because we didn't eat because we thought we would be out of there fast! So I go back to the exam room, NP Grace looked over my x-ray, and all was good. So I go meet with Tracy, the scheduler, and she gave me my schedule for injections. Wow, every day for the next month. I can do it!

Why am I

so lonely? I thought I might enjoy some time at home, with nothing to do. But it is lonely. Everybody works. I don't know anyone who is home during the day. I go online and send a few emails, check a few websites, but everyone is working, and I hate to send too many emails, but there is nothing else for me to do. I have no interaction with anyone all day. Well, Sab does call me at home several times a day. But he has to work too. And he works weekends. And all of my friends have kids. So even on weekends they are busy. Reanna is at school during the day, and hangs out with Ben after school. She is a teenager, that is what she is supposed to do. Then she goes to her dads on weekends. Normally I work all week, and I love my free time on weekends, but now it seems to be even lonelier. I have started reading, but you can only read so much. I could scrapbook, but that takes so much time & energy. I have the time, but not the energy. Plus it makes such a mess :) Like I care about that?

No treatment yet

I should have started my treatment this week. The are going to put in a picc line before I start my treatment, and I can't even get that scheduled. I called on Tuesday, and Tracy, the scheduler, said they are booked and will try to get me in ASAP. I didn't hear anything from her, so I left a message on Thursday morning. She called me back in the afternoon to tell me Friday Nov. 9th, is a good day, at 10:30am. Well, yeah, that would be ok for me, especially since I'm not working. But I have an Ultrasound scheduled for 10:45am that day. So she said she'll call me back. It's now Friday morning, and no call. So it seems like it will be at least another week or two before I start my treatment. So I will be right in the middle of treatment around Thanksgiving. Fun. Guess that I'm not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I'll probably be home. I wouldn't mind, if I knew that I'd have the energy to cook. But I don't think that's going to happen. So I'll probably be home. Alone with Reanna. If she is even with me that day.