Feeling Guilty

My Linda has not been able to speak with us since the last post. This gives us so much time to sit near her and reflect. I try to focus on the positive, such as the many fond memories I have of her. But my mind keeps going back to somehow this is my fault. I blame myself for what has happened to Linda.

I try and think rationally and tell myself that cancer just happens, even to good people like Linda. But I feel that it should have been me, not her. Linda is the one with the pure heart. Linda is the one that does not judge people, but accepts them as they are. Linda is the one that always looks at the bright side and believes in the good of humanity. I am so negative. My wife's light has always been able to outshine my negativity. Even now with my wife in this condition, she is still the most beautiful, positive force I have ever come across.

Final gifts from Linda

Yesterday was really hard. Linda was asleep and unresponsive most of the day. Her brother Raymond had arrived from Arizona. It took him 30 hours to get here. His car broke down in Los Angeles, and he had to stay in a run down motel, on the wrong side of town, until his car could be fixed the next day. Her brother finally makes it her safely, and Linda is so out of it that she does not recognize him. Raymond and I and Linda's parents sat in the room for hours, hoping she would wake up. Around 7:30 p.m. Linda's brother and father left for the evening.

I kept thinking for hours that Linda would be out of it like this until we lose her. The Hospice people told us that this day would come. I just wasnt prepared, eventhough we had been told. Later that evening her sisters, Anna and Lisa returned. They were in the room along with me and Linda's mother. All of us were down because we realized that we may not get another chance to tell Linda that we love her, or see her smile again.

About an hour later we all drifted to different parts of the house. I was in the kitchen on the computer. I was reading the comments posted from the first time that I blogged. I started crying because I could feel the love pour through the monitor. My Beautiful Linda touched so many lives through her blog. I guess that is why she insisted on me learning how to blog. From day one of dating Linda, all through our marriage, and even now my wife is teaching me, in her gentle and patient way. Linda's mother went back into the room for something. I could hear Linda moaning. I went to the bedroom and saw that she looked awake. I stood next to her and told her that I was on the computer reading the comments about her blog. A big smile appeared and she said, "See baby, I told you." I started crying and kissing her forhead, cheeks and mouth. I ran to the living room and told her sisters that she was awake. We all ran to the bedroom and spent the next 20 minutes or so laughing and telling her that we loved her, her doing the same. We then let her go back to sleep.

I know we do not have as much time left with Linda as we would like. But I am grateful for these final gifts from my Linda.

Taken a turn for the worst

This is Linda's husband Sebastian updating her blog. My beautiful wife has taken a turn for the worst. She no longer has the strength to do this herself. On 02/26/09 the open wounds on Linda's upper left thigh began to bleed profusely, she was also in so much pain that all the medications had no effect. The hospice nurses told us to give her pain meds as well as anxiety pills every two hours until the pain subsided. The pain lasted the rest of the day and all night long with no relief from the pain meds. The next morning Linda wanted her parents, sisters, and Reanna and I in the room, she felt that she would be leaving us that day. It is now two days later and Linda is still fighting to be with us. Lots of friends and family members have been stopping by and calling to keep her spirits upbeat. Linda's parents and sisters have been helping Linda, Reanna and I get through this, we could not do it alone. We apologize for not answering any emails, but we do not have the time right now. This is my first post, it may take a few tries to get this down. I will update this daily with news of how Linda is doing.

How Could I Forget This?

OK, for those of you that know me, I mean really know me, know that I'm an addict. I'm an addict to these little containers that contain what many of us call sparkle crack. Yes, you got it. I have been addicted for about 5 years are so. So what exactly is this "sparkle crack?" you may ask. It is a container that contains several grams of glitter, glimmer, glimpses, sparkles, just about anything you can think of that covers your face with makeup. I first got addicted by a dear friend name Sonja about 10 years ago when she worked for the company selling me just on their 18-scented body lotion, and then she would stick in a pot or two of the make-up in there with it. After Sonja moved out of town, something got me into the makeup and I was instantly addicted. After learning more about the makeup, and finding online chat-rooms with ladies worse off then me, I became obsessed. I started to buy as much of it as I could. Then I started showing up at the mall when they would have specials, started getting makeovers, etc. Oh, then when I found out there was a customer cruise - I was there! I met a lot of cool ladies and kept in contact! Then just last year there was a weekend trip to New Orleans, LA that I could not miss. I of course made Sebastian come with me. We had a good time, if you scroll down to about April or so of 08 (I forget when) you made read about it. Anyway, point is I still chat with some of the wonderful ladies that I met last year and they were so kind. They put a call into CEO of the company, and she was so kind enough to call me at home! I was so excited to get a personal phone call from her. Thanks from all the wonderful girls that I met that have always been so kind to me! I must say, I am just so bummed that unfortunately that day was a bad day for me so I could not say much. But thanks to Leslie for the call and all of the BEautiful Addicts!

The Holiday Weekend is Over

It has kinda been one busy week. I have had a few more friends and family over than normal. I think it has been because a lot of people have been home for the holiday. I guess that's a good thing! It's been nice having a steady stream of people. I've also been been getting a good amount of time for sleep. Which has shockingly come in really handy. The extra sleep has been really helpful.

And I'm really appreciating hanging out with my friends more & more. What I like is that every one is stopping by for a variety of reasons. I want you to come by for what you want, first and foremost. Some just want to come and chat and say hi and keep the conversation's lighthearted. Others want to come and get a little more emotional and mourn a bit. Me, I'm here for you for all of that, o.k. You just come and be who you want to be, and I'll just be the same ol' me that I've always been, o.k. Or at least I'll try to be. But as for now, it's been a long day and I do need to get some zzzzzzzzz's.

Over a Year in the Works and I Missed It

The Celine Dion concert was over a year in the works, and I was unable to attend. As thousands got up and out of the house last night and attended yet another one of her sold out shows, I was home in bed doing absolutely nothing. It's not like she's my absolutely favorite artists, but she is someone who I have always wanted to see in concert. Oh well, just one more thing I'll miss.

I must stay that recently one of the most annoying things is not being able to find things on my own. I know where just about everything is, but I don't have the time, strength or energy to give the EXACT location. As much as direction as I give friends & family to find it, they still can't find it. I can't explain how frustrating that is. I also hate being bed-ridden. I wish that I could at least walk around my house just one time. I have no clue what the rest of my house looks like right now. I don't know if it's clean, dirty, filled with dog hair? Well, that I'd probably say yes :)

My pain is getting better. It's still up & down, but for the most part its down. That is a really good for now. I hope everyone has a good remaining of the weekend!

Who Knows?

Who knows how much time I have left? No one really. It could be a few days, a few weeks, a few months? But right now the pain in my body is so bad I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I wake up several times through out the night full of pain, begging and begging for some more pain meds. They just started me on the patches a few days ago, and upped the oxy-contin among some other pain meds that Sebastian and my mom have been managing. I haven't even been staying on top of them that's how out of it I've been. My food intake is also very mininal. I'm lucky if I get 3 bites of cereal. My mouth & lips are always dry and I have to force liquids. Everything going down my throat is painful.

I still read all my messages, but seriously I read them less and less, and obviously respond lesser. I hope all is doing well and please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.

Land's End's SPF Clothing

I received a message from Land's End's that they would like to offer me and those who I come in contact with a discount on their new line of clothing that protects your skin while in the sun. The name of the line is Sun.Life and I thought you might be interested in the great deal below, which can also be used for this new line of sun protecting clothing. I wanted to be sure you were the first to know about Lands’ End 20 percent off promotion this Sunday and Monday. For two days only, Lands’ End will offer 20 percent off all merchandise (excluding overstocks, shipping and services). Simply enter the promo code and pin number below at checkout on www.LandsEnd.com and you will get 20 percent off your entire order. Promo code is AMERICA Pin number is 6289 (Starts 12:01 am Sunday, Feb 15th - Ends 11:59 pm Monday, Feb 16th) Please feel free to share this with your community. If you have any questions or feedback, please do not hesitate to contact me. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day. Mine was good. Yesterday Sebastian went back to work, and I was shocked at how good my day went. In the morning I had a visitor or two, and then a social worker from Kaiser came by to meet with the family and make sure that everything is going on track for the family, physically, emotionally, etc. I think they are really helping out alot. Then I had a another visitor or so and then my nurse. So it really was a nice quiet day and I was really glad. Then all of a sudden, 5pm come along and I'm not feeling good at all. I'm in extreme pain and it won't stop. Sebastian came home and gave me some more pain meds, but those took a while to kick in. By bedtime I was good. Then I woke up this morning to get a nice gift from my beautiful daughter Reanna :) I felt so bad, this was the first year ever I did not get her a valentine gift. I don't know how I forgot to ask someone here to do that for me. I'm starting to believe what others are telling me of how good a job I did. I still have some doubts, who wouldn't, but things like this make me believe she will be o.k. Today I had a visitor or two also, and at one point I was reading a card that my cousin Tina gave me, and it was a big blur. I was getting scared and then starting looking at both Tina and her husband Josh and they were both getting blurry. That had never happened so we called the nurse and she came by the house about an hour later. She spoke with the dr and they are not sure what the problem is yet, but if it happens again to call, that it is normal for those who have brain metastasis and they will give me a medication to help it. Hopefully that is all the bad that happens to me tonight and I hope I have a nice peaceful sleep!

No Weekend Getaway Needed

As much as I'd like to get a way for a few days on our anniversary, this year was perfect staying home (as if I had a choice?? ha ha). But seriously, it was a really nice day today. I knew I was going to have a lot going on around the house, so I tried to mentally & physically prepare for it, and it went pretty smooth. I was able to fit everything in and not be too exhausted. Actually, I must say my mom probably did most of that, keeping a schedule of whose coming & going when.

But as I sit here and think about my day, I know that wedding anniversary's are mostly for a husband/wife, at least the way Sab & I celebrate it. Well, today it seemed a lot more than that. I feel like we included a lot of our most treasured friends & family too. To start off breakfast, my wonderful husband brought me a bowl of cereal (I can only eat 3 bites anyway, so that is my breakfast of choice nowadays) and some coffee. Then while Sebastian was doing stuff, my mom helped the nurse give me a bath and clean up my room, etc. Since my dad happened to be in town, he would stop by and check up on me all day making sure I had enough of everything, and then some. And while Reanna had a day off, she made mini cup cakes and then a huge cake shaped like a cup cake :) She is so cute. Later on that night Paige came over to stay a few days with us, so that is always nice. So this wasn't our typical anniversary, but I don't know if we can ever top it. There is nothing better than spending time with family.

Happy Anniversary to my One and Only

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary to Sebastian. He is the love of my life. From the first second I saw him, I knew he was the one for me, and never second guessed. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was not perfect, but I don't know how you can get any closer to perfect than what we have. He is the most amazing husband anyone can ask for. He has always done so much for me, things I don't even ask for. If I'm tired and want to sleep in a bit on a weekday, he would get the girls up and get their lunches ready and take them to school for me. Then while at work he would grocery shop, buy household stuff as well, clean up and make dinner too. I never have to go to the bank to get money, every few mornings it's just re-filled for me, as well as my gas tank! Same with all my car work, he'll take it for a day and get it cleaned, tuned-up, the works. He does so much for Paige and Reanna all the time too. He is always there for them when they need him. As much as I'd like to say more, he doesn't know what I'm doing and is making me log off so that I get some sleep :) I'll try to finish tomorrow :)

Ha Ha, I'm back, he's vacuuming while I blog right now. What more can I ask for. He just made a pot of coffee, so I know he'll be back with a cup for me and then something for breakfast as well. He has always spoiled me more than I deserve.

This Anniversary is different though. Unfortunately we won't be on a weekend getaway to Santa Barbara, Napa or anywhere else we like to visit. Late last year we even started to make plans with the Applebaums to do a weekend cruise getaway to Mexico. Sab & I were kinda up and down because we really didn't know what my health would be like, but I guess I'm glad we didn't book the flight, or even get our passports for that matter. Yep, I do not own a passport. I've never left the US (except for Mexico & Canada when you didn't need them). Because I'll be here, at our house, just celebrating it together, well and with friends and family.

Some of my friends/family love Sebastian, some - not so much. But you know what. I love him with all of my heart. I love all of his good qualities, and all of his bad. His bad qualities take me a bit longer, but eventually I get there. For one instance, he hates when we leave the front door unlocked. He gets furious everytime. Now, I'm used to it, and so are the girls. After several years of training - 95% of the time they remember to lock the front doors. What can be so bad about that. So whether you choose to love him or hate him, I don't care. He's mine for life and that's what matters to me. I love you SEBASTIAN!

Never Gonna Know

From day to day I never know what my day is going to be like. Tuesday I had a really bad day. So Tuesday night I came online and asked a few friends to come over and cheer me up on Wednesday, if possible. And yep, Wednesday was a better day. I think I was able to hold my food down all day! And I had a good amount of company too :) But then I woke up this morning and right as I woke up I knew it was not going to be good. It just got worse from there. The good thing was that one of my nurses Dolores, came over and gave me a bath, and I even got out of bed for a few minutes too, although that was very difficult. I wasn't sure if I'd ever try that again, and I did, and yeah, it probably was my last time this time. Anyway, she washed me, changed my sheets and was going to give me a little massage, but because of the pain of getting up, I'll save that for next time.

Throughout the rest of the day I just stayed on pain meds and napped. I had a few visitors, but had to turn most of them away. I'm feeling o.k. now, I hope I don't have to turn down any visitors tomorrow. I know how hard it is for people to adjust their schedules for work, kids, etc and I really appreciate everyone doing that to visit.

I have been receiving tons of feedback, and once again - thanks to all. I would love to reply to everyone, but time does not permit. So thanks to the ones on the top of my head, Anna Hogan, Rick, Marilyn, Kathie and many many others. Your words are so kind and informative. I hold them near and dear to my heart.

Not A Good Day

Today was not a good day. I've been asleep most of the day, and every single meal has come up so far. My pain is ok, but I'm fearful of taking my medicine because I don't want to throw it up. I know I have some drops, but I didn't want to resort to those so soon. I hope I can get a little better before I start getting worse worse worse. Please continue to keep me in your prayers.

Home Almost One Week

It's been almost one week since I've been home from the hospital. I must say I feel so much better at home. The first few days I didn't have any visitors just because I needed to recover from that horrific hospital stay. For some reason I think being in the hospital made me worse. I just needed those few days to get somewhat near normal. But now, I don't know if I'll ever be normal. Right when I got home from the hospital it was hard to walk because while admitted they inserted a catheter because every time I got out of bed my heart rate would go up to 150+, sometimes 170. So there was very little strength in my legs, but it was possible. I would get out of bed at home about 1 - 2x a day, and then it got harder and harder. This morning I got out of bed so that I could take a sponge bath, and the pain was too much. I could not put any weight on my left leg at all, it was so painful I could not stand it. I'm hoping to be able to try getting out of bed again, but at this point, who knows.

Since Friday, or maybe Thursday - I forget, I've been having visitors. My mom has been arranging for friends & family to stop by and visit me for a bit. It's actually been quite nice. She got all of my contacts info from my cell phone, so she has been calling everyone at random while she has spare time. If she hasn't called you yet, and you'd like to come visit, call the home phone and ask for my mom, Teresa, and she'll set up a day/time for you to see me! You can try my cell #, but I'm not sure it will get answered :) I have really enjoyed having everyone over. Everyone has been so kind and generous and understands when it's time to go, it's time to go. That has really helped me a lot. Some come over and we sit and chat and laugh, and some come over and we chat and cry. It's good for me to get both laughter and sorrow at this point. What comforts me is that I'm not the only one who questions, why me? When they come over, they ask the same thing - why you? Why you Linda?

With my health this bad I don't think I'm going to make it to the Celine Dion concert in Feb. I'm so bummed, I've been looking forward to this concert since last year. Sebastian got me the tickets for our anniversary last year. The concert was to be in Nov., but she re-scheduled. Now we are stuck with 2 expensive tickets that will most likely go unused. One of the little things that sucks about cancer.

I'm Home

This has been one hard week. My health has taken a turn for the worst. So this post is actually going to be a little short, even though there is sooo much to type. So I'll be as brief & informational as I can. On Saturday my left leg had got swollen, and the day before Dr Kwong told me he wanted scans to make sure there were no clots. So I was scarred and went to the ER. They did the scans and found nothing, but wanted more opinions so they held me. Everyday new things would arise and tons new tests were being ordered. Test after test, and I'm trying to get well to go See Dr Hamid. Finally, we had to sit down and discuss this whole week that had passed while I was in the hospital. Did I want to keep on doing that. Going after the cancer that's going after me? I know I'm strong - but according to the records, I'm doing by a long shot. So I have now decided to go for more drugs to keep the pain down, and stop fighting the cancer with chemo. It's gonna be hard, but I think I'd rater be that than more poking & prodding, I just can't handle all of these test anymore.

I'm home, just got here today, and hospice has come in and we already have a hospital bed in my room, along with a few other health care needs. I must say I'm having people over, but the less at a time, the better, and small time frames are preferred as I don't have a lot of energy. Also, if you happen to come by, please be noted we do not need anymore food, desserts, flowers or things of the sort, but thanks sooo much for offering. It'd be much easier if there were less of those things around for us all.

Emotionless

I have gone thru so much this past month and am a bit shocked that I really don't have much emotions for the bad news I got from Dr. Kwong last night. I have always feared the cancer spreading to my brain, because I know that the outcome is very rarely good. I have feared it more than spreading to my liver. But when I got the news last night, I kinda already knew it, and I thought that hearing it would be bad, but for some odd reason, I just took it in. I don't know if it's because it hasn't sunk in yet or what, but this is not the reaction I would have expected from me.

MRI's Done Today

This morning, while we were still sleeping, the phone rings at 9am! Who would dare call so early? Oh - it's Sally from Dr. Kwongs office. Glad I answered it. She got all the info she needed from Dr Hamid in Santa Monica and sent the info over to the radiology dept. So I called to set up my appointments. Just as I was talking to the radiology department they had a cancellation. At 10am. It's already 9am and I was still in bed. But of course I'm gonna take it. So we rush out of bed and get ready to go to the appointment. I hadn't eaten anything, so I had a quick english muffin before we left because there would be one MRI at 10 and the other at noon and I didn't want to starve. I was fine for the most part, but my body is really weird when it comes to my eating, medication taking, etc. So I was hoping I'd be fine. Of course not. I check in and as I'm in the waiting room, my english muffin starts re-appearing. Luckily I had a bag with me that I always carry. I was so mad because I hadn't taken my pain pills yet, which I knew I was going to need. Luckily they took a long time calling me and I was able to take 2 percocets and hold them down. First they did the brain MRI which was about 25 minutes long. We had some time in between the two scans, and I had to leave and get some fresh air. Sure enough, when I got outside I started throwing up again. I had some time to sit and rest, and then we went back to the waiting room. By the time my final scan came, I felt much better. This time they were scanning my left shoulder to see if they could see if there was any explanation for the recent pain. After my second scan, I went and got my lab work done and then picked up my contrast (a dye that you have to drink) for my CT scan tomorrow. I have to drink two huge bottles of something that doesn't look very good. I just hope I can hold it down.

Since those scans took a lot out of me, I was quite tired when I got home and have been resting ever since. At about 6pm I got a call from Dr Kwong that he already had my scans back. The results, as normal, are not good. The brain MRI showed that the cancer has now spread to my brain. Right now it's pretty minimal, but that is still news that I never wanted to hear. And the scan of my left shoulder showed that it has spread more over my clavicle, hence the reason for all the pain I've been having. It's to the point where I can not even pick up a glass of water and bring it to my mouth. I have to use my right arm for that.

Since the new scans show more cancer, Dr Kwong is referring me back to Dr Fisch to do radiation on my head & shoulder. So I might do the radiation before heading down to LA for chemo treatments. I just need to consult with both doctors again and discuss this with my family what is right for me at this time.

My Latest Appointment

I had my latest appointment with Dr Kwong on Thursday. Everything seems to be going along as usual. He is in contact with the LA clinic making sure I get the right scans that I need. The scans have not been ordered, but I know they are contacting each other to make sure I get the right ones done. Once I do the scans (PET, CT & MRI's) I'll be going down to LA. It's just the time it takes getting scheduled to do the scans. Hopefully I can get in there right away.

Dr Kwong did prescribe me more pain pills, this time he gave me Oxycontin too, as well as the Percocet he's already been giving me. They have been helping a lot. I'm just afraid I'll get addicted to those! The only thing that has really worsened is the pain in my left shoulder. It is so bad that I can no longer lie on my left side, or put any weight on it. I cannot even hold a glass of water in my left hand. And as I washed my face today, I could not reach my forehead with my left arm, I had to use my right hand to wash the upper part of my face.Dr Kwong had it X-rayed, but no word yet. I'm thinking it's cancer related. And typing, not fun. Hence my lack of posting. I really want to blog more, but it's not so easy anymore. I might have to start having someone do this for me. But I'll do it for as long as I can.

I have not got back to any emails, I will as I can. Please bear with me :)

It's Everywhere

As each day goes by, I'm noticing more bumps over my body. Some are painful, some are not. I've been noticing it more and more over the last week. I haven't told anyone except last night I told my husband. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. They are on my stomach, back, neck, head, legs, shoulders, everywhere. It's getting harder and harder to move. Every move is painful. I have the pain meds that help stop the pain, but movements in my body still hurt. To turn over, reposition, or just about anything else hurts. My left groin hurts so much now that I just lay down most of the day. I only sit up when I have to eat or drink. After that I go back to lying down.

I'm still waiting to hear from the dr in LA about the clinical trial. He has been on vacation and gets back today. I was going to call today, but I really wasn't in the mood for talking, so I will do that first thing tomorrow. Hopefully we can get my scans ASAP so that I can start the trial. The longer it takes, it feels like the weaker I'm getting. I want to be able to go there and not be so weak.

Jealous

Have you ever been jealous of someone? I will confess, yes. There have been times growing up and even being an adult that I was jealous of friends and families for one reason or another. I get jealous because some people have all of their family here in town, etc. Where as me, my immediate family is all over the place. I don't even have 1 family member in town. They have all moved away. But I must say, after the last few months of being ill and always having to have someone around to help me out, I have no reason to be jealous. My family has totally pitched in and are here for me 24/7. There is not a moment when I'm home alone. They work with each others schedules and re-arrange them if they have too. Am I still jealous? No. Lucky? Yes.

What a Nice Christmas

I had a nice quiet Christmas this year. Unfortunately Sebastian had to work, but Anna and Felicia had come over Christmas Eve, so on Christmas morning we all woke up to open presents! We all got really nice gifts. One of the highlights was Anna got Reanna the Wii, so early in the day she opened it and we played it. It was so fun, and harder than you'd think. I think it just takes some getting used to, plus I'm not that coordinated. By next week I'll be much better. After playing with the Wii, we just hung out and watched movies all day. When Sebastian got home he opened his gifts and not too long after Lori & Fred came over to visit for a while. Of course we brought the Wii out again and they played for a while too. I love that game, I don't know why we never got one sooner. It was getting late and both Lori & Sebastian had to go to work early the next day so we called it a night. It could not have been any better, I loved hanging out with family & friends.

The day after was not as good. I woke up at 8am and was nauseous as can be. Just a few minutes later I was throwing up. That continued all day long. I could not eat or drink anything. I took my nauseous medicine @ 5am, and it is supposed to last 8 hours, but obviously it did not work at all. So once again I could not take my pain medicine because it would not stay down. I was in pain all day long. My dad came over first thing in the morning, and I could not even see him for the first few hours after he got there. I was just in my bed resting. Around noon I was able to get out of bed and I went and laid down on the couch. I stayed there all day, just resting and sleeping. About 8pm the pain was unbearable, so I went back to my room. Sebastian gave me another nauseous medicine and I tried to take more pain meds. I still wasn't holding it down. Around 9:30 the pain was really bad, so I thought I'd try again. This time it stayed down. I was able to sleep through the night! Well, I do wake up every 4 hours to take more medicine. So far today I'm holding my medicine down, I think I'm gonna try and eat breakfast in a bit. Wish me luck, I'm hungry!!

The Silent Treatment

Lately I've been having to give everyone the silent treatment. I really hate it. If I talk after I eat or take medicine (which I'm always doing one of) I can't seem to hold it down. I get frustrated because you don't realize how much you talk until you can't. So if you call and I can't talk, please understand why.

What you might be accustomed to is getting the silent treatment from my husband. Don't expect that to change. That is who he is. If you came over and he stayed in our room, that is normal. It's nothing against you. He does that to everyone. So if you come to visit me, and not him, don't be offended if he does not come out and chat with you.

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is less than a week a way. For a long time it didn't even feel like Christmas to me. Every year I help Paige & Reanna set up the tree, and then let them decorate it. I also love to help them put out the rest of the decorations in the house, etc. Then of course I send out cards to friends and family and go shopping for gifts with Sebastian, while hinting what I want : ) Then there's the wrapping of the presents, and deciding whose house we are going to, or if we'll even be at home. A few times we have even gone to the parade in downtown San Jose, and standing out in the freezing cold at 7am is definitely a reminder that Christmas time is coming. And all of the different Christmas parties are just spectacular. This year is much different. I did not help at all with the decorations, Reanna and Paige did all of the decorating. Then Paige & Sebastian did all of the shopping. So if you did not get a gift, it's not my fault - or if you don't like yours, don't look at me! Ha ha.. I also did not send out any cards.... so please forgive me. But as the presents build up under the tree and the cards from friends and family keep coming in the mail, it is getting to be more real. It just feels so weird to not be a part of everything that's going on around me. I feel like a hermit in my home. I'm not even making plans to go anywhere, as Thanksgiving was not as easy as I would have liked. So my plans are to just be home.

As far as my trip to LA, it was good. Of course our flight out was cancelled, so we had to wait an extra hour in the airport for the next flight. No biggie. But on the flight there right as we took off I got nauseous. It was kinda nice because they gave me ginger ale right away. And once again when I landed, I was nauseous again. So they got me a wheelchair to take me over to area where you get a cab. I asked the lady who pushed me if we can do that when we come back to leave, and she told us what to do, so that was good. On the way home we got to skip the security line! Saved us a lot of time, but then of course we were just waiting because we had gotten there early. Oh well. Right when we landed we went to our hotel and rested. I wanted to go eat at the Promenade in Santa Monica because we were right there, but was upset because I was still too nauseous. So we got up with just enough time to go to grab a fast bite and head to the clinic. Of course we go to the clinic and it's the wrong one. They have two offices, and I had the address of the wrong one. And we took a cab so we would have to wait for another one. But the lady in HR was kind enough to give us a ride due to the confusion. We finally got there and met with Dr. Hamid. At first I was a bit skeptical of what he would say or recommend. I don't know what he said or did, but I just did not have a good feeling. But when he came back into the office he had 2 different clinical trials that he was giving me the option to do. He was so certain in what him and his partners are doing in melanoma clinical trials. And the thing is, if the two trials don't work out, there are always more options. I really feel like he is the doctor for me. Both of the trials contain chemo treatments, so I know what I'm getting myself into. This is not going to be easy. Plus I'll have to be going to LA & back weekly to get the treatments. It will be a grueling time. I just pray that my body is up to this. I pray I have the strength to go through this again. The treatments will be starting in 2 to 3 weeks, it just depends which one I choose to do.

I have stopped updating this site as often as I would like to. I would like up update it about every 2 to 3 days. The only thing that's stopping me is that I really have nothing exciting to share. I hate to come here and type all of the pain I'm in, how tired I am, how much I sleep or don't sleep. There is really nothing good for me to report. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse as the days go by. The melanoma causes little black bumps under my skin that rise to the surface. It is extremely visible on my left leg. Over the last 2+ weeks there are new bumps popping up everywhere. My legs, stomach, back, arms, neck everywhere. They start small, but get bigger, especially as they rise to the surface. So far they are not visible when I'm fully dressed, hopefully they'll stay that way. Anyway, I want to hear from you. If you want me to update the good, the bad, and the ugly, I will. I just really want people to come here and enjoy it. I hate to only have bad news, then worse news. I would hate it if you started dreading reading here. So let me know what you want to see here!!!

Going to Santa Monica

Today I'm heading out to Santa Monica. Sebastian & I will be going out there to check out the clinical trial. I'm hoping it's something that my body can handle. I'm not bringing my laptop so I will not update here until I get home, either tomorrow night or later if I can't do it tomorrow. I'll have my cell phone on me, so if you want to call me, you can definitely try!

The Little Things

It's the little things that make me happy. There have been so many little things that people have done for me that don't go unnoticed.

On Thanksgiving my uncle Manuel and aunt Elisa drove over to my dad's house to visit me before they went on to celebrate their time with friends & family. It was nice to see them as I hadn't seen them since last summer and I don't know the next time that I'll be able to see them. And I am always getting lovely cards in the mail from them with well wishes. Matter of fact, I got a Christmas card from them today! It's the little things.

Every weekend my sister Anna comes by with food and new movies to watch. Lately I haven't bothered watching much movies, but it's nice that she brings them because I do get tired of TV. Yep, all I do is watch TV. I don't care if she has to work while she's here. Just her being here is nice. And she is so thoughtful. She knows what I like and she makes it happen. Right when I'm starting to get hungry, the food is already ready. She knows I hate to wait and always has it right there. She takes initiative and makes my life comfortable. I'm so spoiled by her, I hate when she leaves. I must say we have not always been the best of friends, what sisters are??? But when the the times are tough, she is right there. I could not have asked for more. Nor could I do better myself. I must say, she is a better sister to me than I am to her. I get a lot of emails saying what a good friend I am, but where I lack is my relationship with my sister. I wish there are things in the past I could have done different, but what's done is done. I love her with all my heart and always will.

My mom is here for me morning, noon and night. She keeps this house running while I'm down. She makes sure Reanna is taken care of, wakes up Paige in the morning and takes her to school & back, makes all of my meals plus dinner for everyone, does our shopping, house cleaning, and everything else you can think of. She is what keeps us afloat of our every day duties. I don't know what I'd do without her. It's the little things.

Today I got a call from my brother Raymond. I don't see him often as he's in Arizona, I only get to see him when he comes to the bay area. It's been a while so it was nice to see him last month over the holiday weekend. I was quite surprised today when he told me in our conversation how proud he was of how I raised Reanna. I hear that a lot (why wouldn't I? Just kidding....) but he really explained why. He told me that she was very good and respectful to her elders, parents, grandparents, etc and that lately he hasn't seen that out of kids her age in a long time. He said that I raised her just like my mom & dad raised us, and I must say his words could not be more kind than that. I don't know what it is in those words that made me so emotional, but I could not have been more touched. It's the little things like this that make me happy.

Good News

I finally got a call from the LA clinic today. I go there for my consult on Dec. 16th. I do not know what the treatment there will be there yet. I'll find out everything at the consult.

It's been one long week. I haven't blogged much because I really do try to put my all into my posts, and I haven't have the energy to do so. I've had a lot of company and I've been giving my all to them. It's difficult to give my all to my family and blog at the same time.

My mom left on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I had no one here to help me. So my sister Anna and my dad really came through and stayed with me while Sebastian & Reanna worked. It really helps to have them here because there is so much that I have a hard time doing. They make my meals for me and help to keep track of all of the medications that I'm taking. They have to write it down for me because it's so easy to forget what I took when. Then when Anna had to go to work Sebastian took off two days of work to stay home with me. So now Anna's back here, and Sab is back at work. And then my mom is coming back tonight so no one will have to miss anymore work to be with me. That's a good thing!

I really haven't left my house in days. I wasn't feeling well on Thanksgiving, and had to go lie down and nap after a while. I was glad to wake when I did, because right after I woke was dinner time! YUMMY. My brother Ray made the dinner and it was really good. I was bummed because my appetite was so small that I couldn't eat much. I barely got to taste it all. Not too long after dinner it was time to head home. I was sad to say goodbye to my family and go home.

The next day Anna came over to take care of me, and then my brother stopped by for a few hours to visit before he headed home to Arizona. It was really nice to hang out with him for a while because I hadn't seen him in at least two years. Later that evening I felt a bump behind my ear that was starting to hurt. I asked Reanna to look at it if it was a pimple or something, and she said no, it was just a bump. The next morning my dad came over to help out. He even went out of his way and put a weather sealer on our new fence. Reanna also helped him out a bit.

That night the bump behind my ear got bigger and was hurting even more. Anna & my dad made me call the dr so I made an appt for Sunday. On Sunday I went to the dr and she was not sure exactly what it was but she thinks it was a cyst. So she gave me an antibiotic and it has been helping. The pain has gone away and it has really shrunk. The only problem is, I hate the antibiotic. Keflex. It is the worst medicine ever. When I was in Riverside they made me take it 4x a day. I hated it. I cried and cried and begged not to take it. I even asked if they had one that went through the IV. The nurse told me they didn't, all they had was the one they gave me. At least she told me I was not the only person to complain about it. She said a lot of people don't like it. Yeah, and I'm stuck taking it again. I must say, I haven't stopped crying about taking it either.

I wanted to go see my dr, but I knew he would be busy on Monday due to the long weekend. So I called first thing Tuesday morning and got an appt to see him. I showed him all of the bumps that were new and just brought up other issues I was concerned about. He really didn't have much to say other than what I'm experiencing is all normal. He did run more blood work and gave me more pain meds. He told me that everything was approved for the LA clinic and that I should be hearing from them soon (which I did hear from them today).

Change of Plans

I was to go to my dad's house yesterday and stay the night. I just couldn't go and leave Reanna behind. So Sebastian and I stayed home and we are all going to my dad's today. We will be coming back tonight. Although she is 18 and a big girl now, I could not leave and have Thanksgiving without her. It just wouldn't be the same. I'm glad she is going to come with us.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

I have been feeling ok, but to be honest the last thing I want to do is be online. I come on for just a few minutes a day to check emails, etc but seriously I have been dreading it. It is just uncomfortable sitting here at my desk typing. I would use my laptop, but it is so slow. Anyway, I ordered a new laptop and it should be here soon. This way I can hopefully update more often, from anywhere in my house.

I have talked to Dr Kwong, and we are still waiting for authorizations from Kaiser, as well as some other stuff from the clinic in LA. I should hear something by Monday or Tuesday of next week.

I have had many visitors, and I thank everyone for stopping by. Roger, Tina & Nidelia came by and gave me some supplements that I have been using everyday. They really have helped with my energy level I have noticed. I'm not running marathons yet, but hopefully by New Years I will be. Then later that night Belinda and her aunt came over. Belinda gave me 2 shirts which I desperately needed. All my clothes are too big and shopping is not fun. The next day my Uncle Ralph came over with Chrissy, and also a surprise visit from my dad! I was so excited to see him. I didn't know he was coming. My mom was kind enough to make lunch for everyone! It was good. On Sunday Reyna stopped by and gave me a candle holder, with a pumpkin spice candle, my favorite for the holidays. And then Anna & Felicia came over with a WHOLE bag of new clothes for me! They went shopping and bought me tons of pants, shirts & tank tops. It was like Christmas. What did I do to deserve that? And then yesterday Rhonda came by and dropped of a ton of red velvet cupcakes. I haven't had time to try them yet, as my appetite is pretty small, but I'm sure they are delicious! And if you stopped by and I forgot to mention it, I'm sorry. Like I always say, I forgot. It happens. A lot.

For Thanksgiving Sebastian & I will be going to my dad's house. Reanna was supposed to join us, but she has tickets to the Sharks game tonight and can't go with us. So my poor baby will be home. I don't know what she is gonna do yet, but hopefully she'll go somewhere. I hate leaving her behind, but I know Anna & Fe are gonna come stay with her tonight, so at least I know she won't be alone.

My mom left home this morning. She won't be here all weekend, so unfortunately I won't be able to have any guests. It's just too much for me without anyone here helping me. So if you'd like to stop by, it will have to be after she returns, on December 2.

Thanks for all of your love and support, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Will I Ever Feel Well?

For the most part I have my good and bad days. But it seems that lately I've been having more bad days. I rarely leave my house and I'm still in pain. Just yesterday my left leg started hurting really bad. I've just been taking the usual, Tylenol, and it hasn't been enough. So I started taking the stronger medicine, Dilaudid, and it just helps a little. It makes me feel more drowsy and lessens the pain a little, but it doesn't completely go away. I am glad though that so far it does not make me feel nauseous.

Tomorrow is a week that I have not heard from Dr Kwong. I have some questions for him, so I'll be shooting him an email tomorrow. Any new news will be posted here.

Just like last year, it is very difficult to make any holiday plans. My dad has invited me over, but I hate the fact that it's so close to the day, and I still don't know if I can make it. Then if I can, I have to stay overnight because I cannot go to/from in one day, that's just too much for me. So I don't know if Reanna can come with us because of her work schedule. I really hate not knowing what's going on from day to day and leaving others hanging.

I'm so glad that people have started coming by the house. I must say that I cannot remember everyone, as my memory is really bad. But this weekend my sis Anna was here visiting with Felicia & Lenora, and then she came back with my Auntie Linda & Jade, and then again with Anthony! It has been really nice having her around. And they know the routine already. If they want something, get it themselves because I'm not getting it for them! As hospitable as I am... ha ha... it's too much for me to get everything. They have to do it themselves. And then today Ruby & Roxanna stopped by, and it was good to hang out with them too. I hung out with them last month, and got sick the next day. I hope that doesn't happen this time :) Luckily for them, my momma was here, so they didn't have to help themselves. She served them food & drinks, I love my momma! So if you wanna be served, instead of serving yourself, come when my mom is here.

I must say I do get a good amount of emails and messages. I try to respond to all of them, but it is rather difficult. I DO READ THEM ALL. Please be patient with me and keep contacting me. One day I will get back to you. And I also said this in an email to Frances today, and I'll post it here. If you call me, keep calling. Even if you leave a message, don't expect a call back. I rarely call anyone. It's not that I don't want to call anyone, but who do I call? I've got a big list and it's easier to get a hold of me by being persistent. Don't give up. I will answer one day.

Not Much New Info

I did get a call from Dr Kwong this week, but there really isn't much to tell. He re-iterated that I did not have the correct HLA type for the Stanford clinical trial. Then he gave me three other options. He said I can start a different chemo here at his location, which has a 10-20% response. Option #2 was to do a clinical trial in DC which is extremely toxic. Everyone knows how hard of a time I have with that. Or I can try another clinical trial in LA. I opted for the clinical trial in LA. I have no other details than that at this point. He has contacted them to get me in there, and I haven't heard anything back. Once again, as soon as I know, I'll post here.

I have been in fairly good condition since my last post. Just sore again. It's not that bad, I'm just taking Tylenol for now. But I'm staying home and not doing too much. I did go shopping this week, on Tuesday matter of fact. All of my clothes are falling off of me. At first I just thought they were loose. Then when I went to see the dr 2 weeks ago, I was down 30 lbs. Yep, I was shocked too. I have been eating normal again, so I don't know why there is such a dramatic weight loss. But I'm not complaining, I haven't been this skinny in about 14 years. But my mom has been here cooking healthier meals, so that could be one reason. Well, I know another reason is that I have no muscle left in my body. I don't recall if I've posted this before, but all of the laying in the hospital bed, resting at home, etc I've really lost most of my muscle. To get up and turn over is hard and exhausting. You don't realize how much muscle you have until it's all gone. Anyway, I was happy to buy some pants that fit good. All of my pants & shirts are too big. Well, except for my new ones! I can't wait to wear them. I didn't buy too much, because my weight is always up & down, so I'm not gonna spend a fortune on a new wardrobe, yet :)

The only problem with shopping is that I was so tired the next day. I have learned that I can only do max one thing a day, and only 2 - 3x a week. If I overdo it, I really pay for it. I have had a lot of friends want to get together, and to be honest, it's quite hard. Harder than I thought. If you all don't mind, I don't mind you coming to my house. That is better for me. Even that is not easy, but I will make do! I do lay down most of the day, it's more comfy than sitting. But if you want to come by, I'll sit up for a while. I always do when Lori or my sister Anna comes over. Both of them have really helped me a lot emotionally through this. They are always both here for me when I need them. One of the things I worry about most is my immediate family, and they both always reassure me that everything will be all right.

On that note, Reanna passed her driving test yesterday. She is now a licensed driver! Drivers beware!!!! I added her to our insurance today, and of course she's already out. She just drove herself to get her nails done. She already made a wrong turn, but that comes with the territory. She'll learn the roads soon enough.

Today I went out and got a massage. I really needed it. I did a lot this week (my standards, not yours) and was feeling really beat down. I went to pizza with my hubby, the Applebaums, my sis Anna & Anthony on Monday night, then on Tuesday I went to lunch and shopping with Sebastian, then yesterday I went to lunch with my mom, Reanna & Paige. Last night my whole body was really sore, and I was really feeling it. So I picked up the phone and scheduled a massage for today. It was so good. I don't know why I don't do that more often. I think I'm gonna make a habit out of going there from now on. Don't know what to get me for Christmas? InSpa gift certificate will do... any amount... ha ha...

No Clinical Trial at Stanford

Sally at Dr Kwong's office called me this morning. My HLA type is not in the criteria for the Stanford clinical trial. So I was not accepted. As far as the next step - Dr Kwong has had his staff send over all of my records to the Stanford oncologists. They are going to review and will hopefully take me as their patient. I do not know when I find out the results to that, but as soon as I know, you'll know!

I Remember When....

Challenger: My 8th grade history teacher, Ms. Taylor, kept the TV on the Challenger space shuttle all day. We had to watch it over & over. She told us it was going to be a big part of history.

Earthquake: I was working in the mall when the Loma Prieta hit. The walls were shaking, things were falling off the shelves and people were running everywhere. Minutes later the mall closed and it took almost 2 hours to drive 2 miles home. Everyone was safe. This was the biggest earthquake since 1906.

9/11: The radio woke me up to the news that the Twin Towers had been hit by airplanes. I immediately woke up Reanna and told her she had to watch it with me because it was going to be a part of history. We, along with the rest of the country, horrifically watched as the Twin Towers collapsed. America would never be the same.

Election 2008: I was so excited to go vote with my just-registered 18 year old daughter. No matter who won the election, history would be made. Around 7:30 pm we turned the news on so we could watch the progress of the election. At 8pm, they announced the west coast polls were closed. At 8:01 across the screen was a banner that read "OBAMA ELECTED" We were all bursting out of our skin in excitement. We watched both of the candidates speeches, and were truly proud of the outcome. I am truly proud to be an American, and a minority.

I Voted

Did you vote? I hope you did. This morning I got up and got ready. At 10am, Sebastian, Reanna & I went to the polls and voted. Words can not explain how glad I was to see my young 18 year old daughter voting for the first time. I'm so happy to share the experience with her. I know I'm raising a young lady who believes her voice can make a difference.

The good thing is, there were NO LINES! We walked right in, signed in the log and got our voting sheets. We took a few minutes to fill them out and were out of there. After that, we went to Starbucks and got our free cup of coffee!

GO VOTE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO!!!

A Little Late

I'm a little late in my posting. I dressed up for Halloween, and wanted to do a Halloween blog. But that didn't happen. I had some back pain most of the day, and as the night came it got worse. I was home alone handing out candy, and at the time my adrenaline kicked in and the pain subsided. Once the rain started and the trick - or - treaters dwindled away, the pain came back worse than ever. I called the advice nurse to get a prescription from my doctor, but they wouldn't do that. So my mom & Reanna rushed me to to the emergency room. I was in so much pain, and the wait was awful. I was in pain, sweaty, clammy and everything else you could think of and they were making me wait. Finally they called me in, and right after they did, I vomited. I was so glad I didn't do that in the waiting room. My sweatiness & clamminess went away, but the pain did not. The dr came to visit me and gave me some nausea medicine and then morphine. After that, they did a few x-rays, and of course there was nothing they could see. The dr came back again, and since the pain was not gone, he gave me a bit more morphine. Right in the middle of the dosage, I vomited again. I guess I needed more nausea medicine?

They prescribed me more pain pills, dilaudid, which is stronger than morphine. I took those upon arriving home. I took them for about 24 hours then went back to tylenol. The only thing is the nausea has barely gotten better. Today was the first time I ate something solid since Friday. And all weekend I could barely hold fluids down. I can't wait to eat regular food again. I would post my Halloween pic, but I'm lucky I'm even doing this right now. Maybe later I'll do that, and then a pic of my mom on Saturday as it was her birthday! I felt so bad because I was so sick. Sebastian picked up a cake & flowers for her on his way home from work. He is the best.

New News

I haven't blogged lately because there is so much on my mind. I don't even know where to start. I just might have to do a few over the next few days to get it all out. But first, I know people are looking for an update. I met with my oncologist yesterday. He is looking into getting me into a clinical trial at Stanford. There are several at UCSF & Stanford, but almost all of them require a certain HLA blood type. I do not know what type it is, but of course mine is not the type they are looking for. So automatically I'm eliminated from a lot of clinical trials. Right now, for the advanced stages of melanoma (me) the only one in the area is the one at Stanford. The blood type is not the only criteria, so my dr is checking if I fit all of the criteria. He should be calling me by the end of the week to let me know if I'm a candidate.

I don't recall if I've posted it or not, but my appetite is back! YEAH! I'm eating normal portion sizes again. And my back pain is very minimal. I haven't taken any Tylenol since yesterday. I also slept really good last night, in my own bed! I must say, things are definitely looking up.

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Worse

Last night I got a call from Dr. Gailani down in Riverside. He already received a copy of my scans from Tuesday and they were not good. The treatments have not stopped the cancer from spreading. So I will not be going down there next week. I guess the plus is that I didn't do the absentee vote on time, so now I can go and vote on November 4! I was worried that I was going to be in the hospital, and that both Sab & I were going to miss out on voting. Our votes count.

The last few days I have noticed a drastic decrease in appetite. I went to lunch with my dad yesterday, yes I was able to go, and couldn't eat much. I had about 1/2 of my side salad, and about 4 bites of my sandwich. I couldn't force another bite down if I wanted to. Same with lunch today. Sab & I had sandwiches, and I had to force myself to eat 4 bites. I hope my appetite gets better soon. For about 2 weeks I've also noticed my lack of strength. I try to get out as much as I can, which isn't often, but it's still hard. My legs, arms, stomach and back feel like there is no muscle left in them. Sebastian might get me some small dumbbells just to help me rebuild my strength. I still have my gym membership, but I doubt that have 2 lbs there :)

Worse Than I Thought

Yesterday was a worse day than I thought it to be. It started out ok, and got worse as the hours went by. Tylenol was my best friend yesterday! As was my mom, who made sure I was as comfortable as I could be. The aches and pain carried into night, and I even slept in today. Yep, I didn't get up until about 9:30am. For me, that's sleeping in! I'm normally up around 7am.

Today my dad is coming by. He & his girlfriend Barbara are driving down for the day to visit me. I think we are gonna go have lunch. I think I'm up to it, but I'll have to see when they get here. You see, ever since doing my chemo treatments, I have the worst gag reflex when I brush my teeth, and especially my tongue. Just thinking of gagging makes me gag, it's that bad. So I have to have my mind totally on something else when I brush my teeth to keep me from dry heaving. I know you don't want to here that, but it's true. I also try not to brush my teeth after I eat, so I don't throw up. Well, today I guess I wasn't careful enough. I ate my cereal and less than an hour later I brush my teeth, and got to re-visit my cereal. It was awful. I don't know if it was because I was so sick yesterday and it's coming back, or if I just didn't concentrate that well today. Either way, I hope this doesn't happen again.

I would like to say thank you to Bill, Sebastian's dad. I got the nicest card and gift from him this weekend, it was totally unexpected. It seems as if there are always angels surrounding me. Every time I'm feeling down, sick or sore, there is always someone that lifts me back up. I could not have asked for a better family, or friends that are like family!

I've Lost Count

I went for my PET/CT scan this morning. I've done this so many times, I've lost count at how many this is. I'm praying the results are good and that I'll be back in Riverside for Halloween. I thought I would find out the results at the end of this week, but my appointment with my oncologist is next Tuesday. One whole week before I find out the results.

I've been getting out about every other day. It's weird. Some days are good, some are bad. I still haven't been able to fully recover and I never know what the day is gonna be like. I thought today would be a good day, and after my scan I got really sick and my body was aching. I got home and took some Tylenol, and my mom massaged my whole body. Every time she does that it relaxes me and helps the pain go away. What would I do without her?

No New Updates

I haven't posted lately because I have no new updates. I go next week to get another PET scan, and probably won't find out the results until the end of the week. Of course I scheduled it for first thing in the morning, because I hate not being able to eat/drink all day. One time I think my appointment was at 2pm, and the appointment is close to two hours! I don't know how I made through that day without fainting. But I must say, I learned my lesson and get the earlier appointments now. Other than that, everything is going smooth. A few days ago I was having the worst back pain ever, that lasted a few days. But recently is has gone done. It is very minimal, and I sleep a bit better at night. Hopefully it's won't come back.

I try to get out once a day, but it's not always possible. Today, I'll actually get out 3 times - woo hoo! I just try not to over do it. I had to take Butter to the vet, because last week he had an ear infection. The appt was only 2 minutes! They just weighed him and then the dr checked his ear, and all is good. The infection is gone. I was surprised at how fast it went. Then I went to rent a few movies and grab lunch. I was too lazy to make anything, and my mom is not feeling well, so I didn't want to ask her to cook either. Then tonight I'll be going to ladies night w/Latinas y Amigas. I'm glad that I'm able to get out and hang with the ladies who do so much for me!

I want to say thanks to everyone who has sent me the nicest messages & emails. Thanks Austin for the poem. I totally got it and had tears in my eyes reading it. I know we don't see each other often, but that does not diminish our friendship or feelings for one another. You are like a brother to me.

I'm quite surprised that nobody has taken me up on my offer of stopping by or meeting up somewhere. The only person who has come by is Lori, and that's normal. She always comes by. I don't even have to ask her. I think that is why I appreciate her so much. She is busy with work and her daughter and the gym and church, etc, and she still comes by all the time and calls me all the time. And Sophia is coming by on Saturday, I can't wait to see her. I don't even remember the last time I saw her! Then there's Kathy. I barely met her, and she is always sending me the kindest, most encouraging emails and she has even offered to come meet up with me. I have just been bad and have not set up a time ~ Sorry Kathy! I will send you an email soon. I don't know what to think of it. I get a lot of emails from people with good intentions, but there is no follow through. Well if you don't intend on doing what you say, don't say it. I'd rather that. I'd rather get no e-mails than getting a lot of fluff. Actions speak louder than words.

Little By Little

I'm recovering little by little. This time home is much better than last time after the IL-2 treatment. I did not get any arthritis this time. I can't say enough how grateful I am about that. I don't go back to Riverside until 10/31. Yep, Halloween. At least I get time to recover this time around.

I've also been getting out of the house and visiting friends little by little. My first weekend home I went to a bbq at my bosses house. I thought I would be there for about 2 hours, I ended up sticking around for about 5 hours. It was nice to see my co-workers and just hang out and relax. I sat the whole time so I didn't overdo it. I can't wait until I'm well enough to go back to work. Don't get me wrong, I like staying home :) I just like that it keeps my mind busy and focused on other things. Plus the people are so nice and understanding.

During the week I just stayed home. I think I went to Safeway once. That was my only outing. For several days the furthest I went was my mailbox, which is on my porch. I have some energy, but not a whole lot. I do hate staying home, but I also have a hard time just getting out. I was glad when Linda1 invited my mom & I to Capitola. I had been there before, and knew that downtown was not too big of an area. So my mom & I joined Linda1, Carolyn, Chris & MaryAnn on a day trip to Capitola. It was the most perfect day, not hot or cold. And since the area is pretty small, I got some walking in, but wasn't too exhausted. When we stopped and looked at the shops, most of them had benches out front so I got to sit down and rest a lot, which I needed. Here's a pic of me (Linda2) and Linda1 resting on a bench:

After Capitola there was a birthday party for my angel Serenity, she turned 11. I really wanted to go, but I didn't feel up to driving across town & back. So I missed her party. I was so sad. That was the first party of hers that I missed. I'm sure she understood. But on Sunday I stopped by and spent a little time with her. I took her to get a pearl drink (our fave) and then a game for her Nintendo DS. After that, we called it a day. It wasn't much time that I spent with her, but it's quality over quantity, right? I love my conversations with her, its like being a kid again :)

I'm trying to make time to hang out with friends & family this month since I have a bit more energy than I have in a long time. My weekends are slowly filling up. Everybody has things going on during the weekends! I'm free all week, obviously. So if you have time during the week, call me or stop by my house. Once in a while I won't mind getting out too, I just can't get out everyday. This Thursday I'm actually getting out to have lunch with my co-workers. If you are free, let me know so we can make arrangements to meet up! I'm open to just about anything.

I'm so touched that so many people read this. Sometimes I don't realize how many people are actually interested. Then I get emails that I haven't updated in a while ~ yeah, I've been lagging! Then I get other emails at how moved people are by my story. At times I think it's just me and my immediate family that are affected, because I talk to them and see them daily. It's nice to know that there are others out there who care.

People think I am strong. I don't think I'm as strong as people think I am. I am selfish. Very selfish. I am grateful. Very grateful. What makes me both selfish & grateful at the same time? The fact that if anything happens to me, I will not be in as much pain as those I leave behind. I cannot imagine losing a parent, a daughter, a spouse, a sister or a friend. All of which I am. Just the thought is frightening to me. I hope I never have to experience anything that painful. And I hope those around me don't have to experience anything that painful. I'm here for the long haul.